Need help w/14yo (sexual activity prob)
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| Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:16pm |
I posted this on the Sexually Active Teen Board also....
Hi,
I found this board yesterday after my dd did something that i never imagined in my life.... She is 14 years old and she has been dating a boy who is 16 years old for 10 months now. We have a pretty open relationship and have had numerous sex talks over the past four years. Well, we just had one about my letting her go and being able to trust that she will make good decisions and whatnot... And I included that I am not sure she i8s ready for sex, and she said she is not.... blah, blah, blah...
Well fast forward 24 hours... Her bf came over and we went out shopping for some things.... I fed him, which i do A LOT. We come back and they are on the couch and we cannot decide what to have for dinner (my dh and younger dd and ds are at the lake)... I come in and check another board I frequent and I realize no one told me what they want so i look out in the living room and she is sitting on the couch, talking on the phone, all the while giving her bf a hand job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in the next freaking room.... I am not napping somewhere, I am not away from home, I am not even outside or upstairs..... I am in the next room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tell him to leave..... I tell her no band camp (which devastates her)..... I tell her to go upstairs because I have nothing to say to her.... I am not shocked by what she did but I am right here.... That is just wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We yelled at each other.... then she went to her room..... she wrote me a letter (which is typical if she gets into big trouble)..... she said it was her idea, she did not think of the consequences, please forgive her and him and that she had never done that before yesterday.
I have not a clue what to do!!!!!!!!!!! Everytime I look into that room, or look at her that is what i see. I told my dh that she got band camp taken away (so he knows it is serious) but I also told him he doesn't want to know what happened.... He was soo tired by the time he got home and he had to be up early... I know I will end up telling him because this is too much for me to deal with. I am 8 months pregnant and emotional enough for everyone.... I just don't have a clue how much I should punish her... I am punishing her for where and when she did it and having no respect for my feelings and her disregard for everything else..... I told her she needs to face the consequences, maturely, and accept her punishment and live with it.
It is just so hard for me to look at her right now.... and then i don't want to ask for advice from someone I know because I don't want them to think of her differently. This is her first physical relationship and I have wished it would have ended by now, but I know she could have a lot worse of a boyfriend.
What do I do!?!?!
Sarah


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Thank you for responding... To answer why I took band camp away... Hmmm... we had spent a loot of the week at the lake, and we were driving back and forth because she had home band camp this week. I had told her in the beginning of the week that there would be times she was alone, until someone, my dh or myself, would be there and her bf was not allowed in the house while we are not there (that is already a rule). I also told her if she screwed up this week the first thing she will lose is band camp. I have since emailed the band director, but I have not heard from him. It is learning her routine, she is in the Flag Cadets.... But it is also a lot of socializing and having a good time, her bf being there also! It just seems like I need a punishment that would matter.... yet she still went ahead and totally disregarded the consequence and did what she wanted to do....
It is amazing how angry I am at her, for changing the way i look at the both of them and for just not even considering how bad of an idea it was since I was home and in the next room!!!!
Sarah
I have a different take on this. I would stick to your guns and don't let her go to band camp. Don't "flip-flop". She has to live up to the consequences of her actions. That means owning up that she has hurt you. Forgiveness has nothing to do with it. You can forgive and understand because you love her but that doesn't mean there are no consequences. I like that you told her to go to her room and that you had nothing to say to her. That showed a great deal of composure; amazing considering your condition and what you just saw. Keep up it. Don`t let her yell at you; if you get into a yelling match tell her to go to her room and don`t come back until she can talk in a calm manner. She is in the wrong,not you.
She has disappointed you by her behavior and you have every reason to be hurt, disappointed and upset. Don't sugar-coat it but don't yell. Something along the line of "I expected better from you" or "you are better than that behavior". Explain to her that what she did was vulgar;it was demeaning to both her and to her b/f. It reduces sex to getting "lucky". Animals get "lucky"; people make love in private. Her behavior shows that she has little respect for herself,her b/f and her b/f has none for her. He could have taken her hand away, after all. So, he is just as much to blame as she is. Add that you are very hurt that she would even think of doing what she did. No excuses justify it.
I would also tell your husband (but no one else.) He has a right to know. So what if he gets upset at the boy and your daughter? Unless he is a violent man, he has every right to know. He is her parent too. (You picked him to be the father of your child; he has to have good qualities, Rely on him to help get through to your daughter.) In fact, his knowing might help. He could tell your daughter the male-prospective.
Get the boy over and talk to them "together", without any other kids around. When your DH has calmed down after you tell him, he should be on this "chat" too. (Remind him what it was like to be a teenager and,most importantly, that his daughter is NOT a princess. She is young woman that needs guidance.) Do not disallow the boy from seeing your daughter but they should not be allowed to be alone. They have both lost your trust and you expected better from both of them. (My sister actually did this.) Talk `cold turkey`; get it out in the open.
Good luck. With a mom like you, I am sure your daughter will be fine.
You are right, she shouldn't have done this where and when she did. That is what she needs to be punished for. IMO! It is absolutely natural that they may get involved in sexual activity, I know my 17 yo is starting to do just that and no I'm not happy about it, but it is a normal response to being involved with someone and having raging hormones. I don't think we can stop them, unless we lock them in a closet and throw away the key. And I think ranting and raving about how bad it is to have sex is not a good thing. I wouldn't want my daughter to think that sex is a bad or dirty thing, not when it is done at the right time and place. I know when K told me she was interested in having sex, she told me she hadn't said something sooner, because she didn't want me to make her feel guilty. I didn't and she has continued to be open and basically pretty honest with me about sexual matters.
But it was very wrong to give this boy a hand job right there where she could be seen. That is what is really wrong. I think you need to talk to her about privacy and the proper time and place. Telling her to just stop isn't going to work, so telling her how to be safe is the best thing to do.
Kristie
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