Need help w/14yo (sexual activity prob)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Need help w/14yo (sexual activity prob)
13
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:16pm

I posted this on the Sexually Active Teen Board also....

Hi,
I found this board yesterday after my dd did something that i never imagined in my life.... She is 14 years old and she has been dating a boy who is 16 years old for 10 months now. We have a pretty open relationship and have had numerous sex talks over the past four years. Well, we just had one about my letting her go and being able to trust that she will make good decisions and whatnot... And I included that I am not sure she i8s ready for sex, and she said she is not.... blah, blah, blah...

Well fast forward 24 hours... Her bf came over and we went out shopping for some things.... I fed him, which i do A LOT. We come back and they are on the couch and we cannot decide what to have for dinner (my dh and younger dd and ds are at the lake)... I come in and check another board I frequent and I realize no one told me what they want so i look out in the living room and she is sitting on the couch, talking on the phone, all the while giving her bf a hand job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in the next freaking room.... I am not napping somewhere, I am not away from home, I am not even outside or upstairs..... I am in the next room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tell him to leave..... I tell her no band camp (which devastates her)..... I tell her to go upstairs because I have nothing to say to her.... I am not shocked by what she did but I am right here.... That is just wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We yelled at each other.... then she went to her room..... she wrote me a letter (which is typical if she gets into big trouble)..... she said it was her idea, she did not think of the consequences, please forgive her and him and that she had never done that before yesterday.

I have not a clue what to do!!!!!!!!!!! Everytime I look into that room, or look at her that is what i see. I told my dh that she got band camp taken away (so he knows it is serious) but I also told him he doesn't want to know what happened.... He was soo tired by the time he got home and he had to be up early... I know I will end up telling him because this is too much for me to deal with. I am 8 months pregnant and emotional enough for everyone.... I just don't have a clue how much I should punish her... I am punishing her for where and when she did it and having no respect for my feelings and her disregard for everything else..... I told her she needs to face the consequences, maturely, and accept her punishment and live with it.

It is just so hard for me to look at her right now.... and then i don't want to ask for advice from someone I know because I don't want them to think of her differently. This is her first physical relationship and I have wished it would have ended by now, but I know she could have a lot worse of a boyfriend.

What do I do!?!?!

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:54pm
I understand how upset you must be.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 2:24pm

Thank you for responding... To answer why I took band camp away... Hmmm... we had spent a loot of the week at the lake, and we were driving back and forth because she had home band camp this week. I had told her in the beginning of the week that there would be times she was alone, until someone, my dh or myself, would be there and her bf was not allowed in the house while we are not there (that is already a rule). I also told her if she screwed up this week the first thing she will lose is band camp. I have since emailed the band director, but I have not heard from him. It is learning her routine, she is in the Flag Cadets.... But it is also a lot of socializing and having a good time, her bf being there also! It just seems like I need a punishment that would matter.... yet she still went ahead and totally disregarded the consequence and did what she wanted to do....

It is amazing how angry I am at her, for changing the way i look at the both of them and for just not even considering how bad of an idea it was since I was home and in the next room!!!!

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 2:59pm
Although I can understand how upset you are, my advice is to take a deep breath and wait a couple days before handing out any punishment. It will give you the opportunity to give her a rational punishment instead of an emotional one. As Rose said on the other board, there is a school of thought that encourages this kind of activity as opposed to intercourse. I also have to believe that the embarrassment your daughter and boyfriend felt may even be a serious enough consequence. When all the emotions die down, sit her down, have a mother daughter talk with her. It's your house and you can set the rules, but you also don't want to push your daughter away from you to the point where she cannot talk to you about the many teenage issues which she is and will be facing. Obvioulsy she made a major goof by doing this while you were at home, but now is the time to build communications not tear them down. Just my opinion, good luck! Barb
Mom to Allsion 4/11/90 and Jenny 3/6/92
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 3:18pm
I understand how upset you are. I went through those feelings with my DD when she lost her virginity. I felt like I had failed as a parent to teach her values and morals and it took a very long time for me to look at her the the same. And I understand how you feel she betrayed your trust. However, she is still the same person. IMO, I think you need to allow yourself and your DD some time to calm down. And then another long talk about the consequences and ramifications of sex may be in order. My DD has been sexually active for 3 years now and I still have the sex talks with her. If and when your DD is in need of birth control she isn't going to be able to come to you if you are being too judgemental and acting ashamed of her. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 5:20pm
I can completely understand why you are so upset about this. But would you be OK with it happening if you weren't around? I think 14 is kind of young to be involved in this level of intimacy. I also find it a little hard to believe that this is the first time she has done this, since she was bold enough to do it with you right in the other room. I agree with the other posters that taking away band camp may not be a "logical consequence". I would definitely tighten up on the supervision. If it were my 14 y/o, I'd probably try to limit the opportunities for the two of them to be alone together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 3:25am
I have a 14 year old dd which is why I am replying. I was shocked when she was 12 and she had her head on a 12 year old boy's shoulder while looking at the computer with him. I have not had boys in the house since. He was the son of a friend and the mother used to bring him over when visiting. So, I really am new to this boy/girl thing. She hasn't started having guys over on her own. Anyway, I can understand your shock. However, I don't think I would take away band camp. It seems that activites with groups and socializing with groups would be healthy. I do think you would have to be careful with him alone if you don't want them sexually active. I know it is hard to imagine our children having sexual feelings. I also wonder some time what we expect them to do with these feelings. It struck me that she was doing something to the guy. I just wonder if she feels she has to do this to him. It didn't sound as though they were making out, kissing or doing anything that involved her body. Is there any chance she feels a pressure to keep him physically happy? I worry with all in the news about oral sex that young girls are pressured by guys to do something like that to them. I am a novice to the sex issue. My other daughter is only 13. So, I guess the other moms with older teens would know more about this. I am an older Mom so we didn't start sexual activity until we were much older as it was more conservative when I was growing up. But friends tell me girls are sexually active by 16. I talk to my girls before they go to camp as that is the only time they are not in my charge. I even called the camp director to ask if there was anyway my dd could have sexual activity there. He said no because they are always supervised or in view of many others. I guess I would think through what behavior I wanted from my daughter. Then I would talk to her about it. It's such an individual matter I suppose as to when you want to allow your daughter to have some sexual activity. But I think my "punishment" would not be taking away band camp. I'd want her involved in group activities. Boys don't come to our house to socialize. My girls see boys at parties though. My daughter is just entering high school and will be turning 15. So, obviously being with boys is an issue facing me. Let us know how it goes. Your daughter sounds like a nice girl. The media--movies and the news--are so sexually explicit. It's really a difficult time to be a teenager. I know you are shocked and upset, but try to keep in mind that overall she is a good daughter and you are a good mother. I think you will be able to work through this. I understand about you not telling people you know. You don't want them to see her differently. It amazes me how I hear the girls hanging at our house use the word slut. When one mother suggested birth control pills as a treatment for acne to get the hormones in balance, my dds were adament about not taking them, saying they wouldn't take them because people would think that is sluttish. So, the teen culture is definitely a judgmental one. It seems the teens themselves do not approve of sexual activity. One girl that is a friend of a friend became sexually active and it didn't fare well emotionally. There was a rumor another girl performed oral sex on a boy. I don't know how the mother handled it. But I do know the town talked so to speak. So, I would applaud you in keeping this private. All the best in working through this!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 11:26am


I have a different take on this. I would stick to your guns and don't let her go to band camp. Don't "flip-flop". She has to live up to the consequences of her actions. That means owning up that she has hurt you. Forgiveness has nothing to do with it. You can forgive and understand because you love her but that doesn't mean there are no consequences. I like that you told her to go to her room and that you had nothing to say to her. That showed a great deal of composure; amazing considering your condition and what you just saw. Keep up it. Don`t let her yell at you; if you get into a yelling match tell her to go to her room and don`t come back until she can talk in a calm manner. She is in the wrong,not you.

She has disappointed you by her behavior and you have every reason to be hurt, disappointed and upset. Don't sugar-coat it but don't yell. Something along the line of "I expected better from you" or "you are better than that behavior". Explain to her that what she did was vulgar;it was demeaning to both her and to her b/f. It reduces sex to getting "lucky". Animals get "lucky"; people make love in private. Her behavior shows that she has little respect for herself,her b/f and her b/f has none for her. He could have taken her hand away, after all. So, he is just as much to blame as she is. Add that you are very hurt that she would even think of doing what she did. No excuses justify it.

I would also tell your husband (but no one else.) He has a right to know. So what if he gets upset at the boy and your daughter? Unless he is a violent man, he has every right to know. He is her parent too. (You picked him to be the father of your child; he has to have good qualities, Rely on him to help get through to your daughter.) In fact, his knowing might help. He could tell your daughter the male-prospective.

Get the boy over and talk to them "together", without any other kids around. When your DH has calmed down after you tell him, he should be on this "chat" too. (Remind him what it was like to be a teenager and,most importantly, that his daughter is NOT a princess. She is young woman that needs guidance.) Do not disallow the boy from seeing your daughter but they should not be allowed to be alone. They have both lost your trust and you expected better from both of them. (My sister actually did this.) Talk `cold turkey`; get it out in the open.

Good luck. With a mom like you, I am sure your daughter will be fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:15pm
That's a very good post. The only reason that I wasn't sure about her taking away band camp was that as the mom of 2 former 'bandos' band camp is pretty much required if you are in marching band. They spend a week at a university 3 hours away practicing their show 12 hours a day. The OP did mention in a subsequent post that she had already contacted the band instructor and her dd also knew that the privilege might be revoked for poor behavior. In light of that I think she should stick to the original consequence.


Pam - Ivillage Community Leader

CL:
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:56pm
hmmmm....you might spend some time talking to children's services, then, since "ass beating" is illegal! I assume you didn't mean that literally, but honestly "discipline and lots of it" is NOT going to develop a young lady's morals or character, help her to understand what she is and is not ready for, or even really prevent her from having sex. As for your daughter - yes, I'm sure she knows that YOU don't want her to do it, but that is no guarantee that she won't do it. Rules and discipline laid out with no understanding or education to go with them don't accomplish much aside from resentment and rebellion. Kids are going to make up their own minds about what they are going to do.
Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 4:31pm
I have been thinking about this situation long and hard, who knows I may walk in on something some day. I don't really feel that a huge punishment is in order. Now don't get all over me about that until I explain.
You are right, she shouldn't have done this where and when she did. That is what she needs to be punished for. IMO! It is absolutely natural that they may get involved in sexual activity, I know my 17 yo is starting to do just that and no I'm not happy about it, but it is a normal response to being involved with someone and having raging hormones. I don't think we can stop them, unless we lock them in a closet and throw away the key. And I think ranting and raving about how bad it is to have sex is not a good thing. I wouldn't want my daughter to think that sex is a bad or dirty thing, not when it is done at the right time and place. I know when K told me she was interested in having sex, she told me she hadn't said something sooner, because she didn't want me to make her feel guilty. I didn't and she has continued to be open and basically pretty honest with me about sexual matters.
But it was very wrong to give this boy a hand job right there where she could be seen. That is what is really wrong. I think you need to talk to her about privacy and the proper time and place. Telling her to just stop isn't going to work, so telling her how to be safe is the best thing to do.
Kristie
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