Need help w/14yo (sexual activity prob)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Need help w/14yo (sexual activity prob)
13
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:16pm

I posted this on the Sexually Active Teen Board also....

Hi,
I found this board yesterday after my dd did something that i never imagined in my life.... She is 14 years old and she has been dating a boy who is 16 years old for 10 months now. We have a pretty open relationship and have had numerous sex talks over the past four years. Well, we just had one about my letting her go and being able to trust that she will make good decisions and whatnot... And I included that I am not sure she i8s ready for sex, and she said she is not.... blah, blah, blah...

Well fast forward 24 hours... Her bf came over and we went out shopping for some things.... I fed him, which i do A LOT. We come back and they are on the couch and we cannot decide what to have for dinner (my dh and younger dd and ds are at the lake)... I come in and check another board I frequent and I realize no one told me what they want so i look out in the living room and she is sitting on the couch, talking on the phone, all the while giving her bf a hand job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in the next freaking room.... I am not napping somewhere, I am not away from home, I am not even outside or upstairs..... I am in the next room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tell him to leave..... I tell her no band camp (which devastates her)..... I tell her to go upstairs because I have nothing to say to her.... I am not shocked by what she did but I am right here.... That is just wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We yelled at each other.... then she went to her room..... she wrote me a letter (which is typical if she gets into big trouble)..... she said it was her idea, she did not think of the consequences, please forgive her and him and that she had never done that before yesterday.

I have not a clue what to do!!!!!!!!!!! Everytime I look into that room, or look at her that is what i see. I told my dh that she got band camp taken away (so he knows it is serious) but I also told him he doesn't want to know what happened.... He was soo tired by the time he got home and he had to be up early... I know I will end up telling him because this is too much for me to deal with. I am 8 months pregnant and emotional enough for everyone.... I just don't have a clue how much I should punish her... I am punishing her for where and when she did it and having no respect for my feelings and her disregard for everything else..... I told her she needs to face the consequences, maturely, and accept her punishment and live with it.

It is just so hard for me to look at her right now.... and then i don't want to ask for advice from someone I know because I don't want them to think of her differently. This is her first physical relationship and I have wished it would have ended by now, but I know she could have a lot worse of a boyfriend.

What do I do!?!?!

Sarah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 10:18pm

Well, a little time has passed.... I have calmed down. I have spoken with one lifelong friend, whom i knew would not think of my dd differently, and I spoke to my dh (who took it better than I thought but I did tell him the night before something had happened and I did not get an opportunity to tell him what so maybe he dreaded the worst and did not get it:)!

We are both struggling with the band camp thing. I did not realize, when I laid down the consequences, that if she did not go she cannot participate for the entire year. She also gave up soccer for Color Guard, because we chose to0 limit her to one activity at a time. She has not complained about losing band camp, and at his point realizes if she does not go she cannot participate.

I am with everyone in that I understand what types of behavior are going to happen, and I knew it was coming especially with a long term relationship. I would rather her do what she did than having sex.... I guess I was not prepared for the shock of the reality and I was/am upset that she did not have the decency to think of me in the other room and save her actions for a time when she would be alone and I would not have a permanent vision plastered on my brain. I know that vision will fade with time but it makes me angry to have it.

The bf sent me a lengthy message apologizing and taking full blame, and stating that that is not good enough for what happened but all he has the ability to give. He was very sincere and he has made it a point not to call or show up at my house. I am not sure when we would let him back here because I don't know when I want to look at him.

My dd has written me quite a few notes and is really torn up about losing my trust. That is good to hear.... She knows she can talk to me and I have reassured her I love her no matter what happens and how angry I seem... But sometimes her actions make me upset or disappointed. I told her I have more of an issue with where and when she did what she did and not what... BUT at the same time I fully said that at 14 years old (15 in a month) I do NOT think she is ready for intercourse. She agreed that she is not ready because she, and he, have dreams and are not able to support a baby financially or emotionally. Good answer, but was it just what i wanted to hear?

Sooo, I will keep everyone posted! Thanks for all the responses and careful considerations of my situation!!!

sarah

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Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 10:33pm

Sarah,

Glad to hear that things have calmed down a bit. I think the question of when you want to see him again is a very tough one. Try to remember the kid not the act that you witnessed. I'm sure he is just as leary of seeing you as you are of him, probably more so, after all he is the one that did something wrong.

Good luck with this whole situation and come and post any time.
Kristie

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Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 11:02pm

I'm glad things have had a chance to settle down a bit. I think it's amazing that the b/f apologized for what happened; to me, that speaks volumes for him. And it is kind of him to take full blame, even tho' we all know it wasn't all his to take.

As for the band camp issue...seeing as how your dd would not be able to participate in band for an entire year, well, that's an awfully stiff fine to pay for a single mistake. Personally, I would just sit her down and tell her that at the time you told her there would be no band camp, you didn't realize the ramifications of that (ie no band all year). Tell her you and dh have reconsidered and will allow the camp, but she will have to do xxx or yyy--whatever consequence you feel might be more appropriate.

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