Need Input

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
Need Input
7
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 10:49am

Hi!

I need input on something that happened last night.

Last night my son (17, graduated 2 weeks ago) called me at work and asked if it was okay to go to Dover or so I thought. I told him it was okay to go but we needed to talk when I got off. I called when I got off and no answer. I did not get him until 9 at night and found out it was not Dover but Delaware. He says he originally said Deleaware (which is possible but unlikely because I would have asked where in Delaware), I was in the middle of something at work. I have no problem with him going either place but I wanted details of activities and locations. When I did call him, he was very abrupt and rude saying he told me he was going to Delaware and Newark was in Delaware and so on but in the background his two friends are giddy saying don't she know Newark is in Delaware and stuff. I got mad and told my son he had to come straight home. I then called the parent of the one friend to see what they had been told. They were told in Newark Delaware meeting up with so and so. This parent was mad because evidently her child was not supposed to be with mine so now the friend is grounded and stuff. My son is mad because he is not allowed to go to his friends house.

My son thinks it is a matter of not trusting him but it is not and he won't listen. It is a matter of being frustrated with the lack of information. If he had answered the phone or returned my call and said he was in Newark doing what he was doing there would of been no issue but not calling for 4 hours when I told him we had to talk when I got off was excessive. I called the other parent because I wanted to compare info and figured they were reasonable people just trying to parent their child as well.

You need a little background. Last week was senior week and these two boys went to Ocean City with other friends. During that week the friend was supposed to come home Wednesday (my son was his ride down when they left). He decided to call and leave a message for his parents on Wednesday saying plans changed and he was able to stay until Saturday. The plan with my son was to origianlly stay down until Saturday. Their son did not call them except that one time where he left the message on their machine all week, my son although brief was in contact each day except Monday. That Saturday this friend was supposed to join up with his parents in a nearby beach resort but never told my son so he brought him home. ( 2 hour ride) They were furious and drove the 4 hours roundtrip to get him.

How do I get my son to understand it is not my fault for talking to the parents that he can't see or hang out with his friend but it is his friend's behavior and lack of honest communication with his parents. The parents are at a wits end, this friend also had a car accident and didn't call his parents making them sit up and worry until 2 in the morning while going home from our house as well.

My son is not an angel but he has not been in any trouble and he has not been caught someplace he should not have been or in a location other then he said he would be. His problem is communicating more completely with me. It has gotten worse since he started hanging with this kid who I always thought was a good kid.

I understand the parents frustration but not why they are directing it at my son or blaming him. Oh, yeah, the parents have banned my younger son who is also one of his friends from their house when he has done absolutely nothing wrong and was not invovled in any of the situations or problems they have had with him.

Because my kids all have pretty heavy work schedules they will not be free to hang out with this guy much anyway this summer but how do I help them see that their friend has set them up for the upset of his parents?

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: maryland_girl
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 11:23am

My DS had a friend who my DH and I ended up saying that the two boys could not be together anymore. Long story but my DS had a terrible accident and it was with this boy at his house. It was both boys fault, stupidity actually. Anyhow, there is nothing wrong with this boy he is an ok kid, DH and I just feel that the two of them do not use there heads when they are together and they are not great for eachother. This might just be what these parents are feeling. My son and this other boy and his parents don't understand how dh and I feel about this, but we don't really care. Good luck to you,

Julie

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
In reply to: maryland_girl
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 11:56am

Maybe ask the parents (or just one) to meet for coffee and go over this in neutral ground, and sort it out? Best of luck - sounds like they aren't open to all the facts, but maybe meeting face to face in a neutral place would help.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: maryland_girl
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 11:57am

It sounds like there are two issues here.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
In reply to: maryland_girl
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 1:25pm

He is usually good about letting me know where he is and what is up. He kept in touch while away on senior week and I appreciate it. He is very closed mouth though about his friends and his thoughts or feelings. He does not smoke or drink and he works 2 jobs now during the summer which are good things. It just seems whenever the lack of communication shows its ugly head he is with this kid.

Now he knows the parents wishes for them not to hang together last night, at the time he did not know and it is just unfair of them to blame him for something he knew nothing about. His friend knew the deal and he is the one who did not tell them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
In reply to: maryland_girl
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 1:47pm

Its a good suggestion but right now it seems it is best to stay away from them altogether.

It is not worth my son thinking I had anything to do with whatever their next punishment is going to be for this friend. Friends cell phone is gone for not calling while away for senior week, he has no car due to his accident and now my sons can't go to their place. It would seem unlikely that they will run into each other.

I feel the pain my sons are feeling but in some ways I think it is best for mine as well. Their friend has made it appear to be their fault and is not accepting his responsibilty for his actions. He is trying to break from his parents but is not doing it in the best fashion. Communication with my son has diminished when they are together as well and perhaps that can improve again.

I just want to know how to help my son see that I am not the party responsible for him not being able to see his friend nor are his parents really but rather the decision of his friend not to follow their directions. And both of them only giving sketchy information.

I'd like to help him see that a lack of commmunication created this situation and to avoid that for himself he has to keep those lines open and honest with me.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: maryland_girl
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 2:13pm

I may be way off base here, but at 17, he *knows* why his friend is in trouble, etc, but he needs to be mad at someone, so he picked you. :)

For me, I wouldn't worry about making him understand it's not your fault. At this stage of the game, I wouldn't really care. He's 17 years old. Trust me, deep down inside, he knows. If he brings it up again, I would just shrug my shoulders and say "If you two would communicate your plans a little bit better, you wouldn't have this problem." And leave it at that.

As far as the other parents go, unless you are looking to repair your *own* friendship with them, I wouldn't worry about them either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2007
In reply to: maryland_girl
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 2:41pm

Thanks you are right!!!!