Need More Advice on DS

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Need More Advice on DS
2
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:26pm

Hi Everyone,

So I posted a few days ago about my DS who is almost 18 and quit grade 12 with four months to go...SIGH. Anyway, he has been seeing the same girl for over 2 years now. I warned him when he quit school that his relationships with friends etc. might change as he is no longer in that social environment. He was in a really sour mood yesterday and I finally managed to get it out of him that his girlfriend decided that she only "wants to be friends" with him and has started dating someone else. I felt so badly for my son as I kind of figured this would happen. I basically tried to reassure him that "there are other fish in the sea, if she did this to him obviously she wasnt the person he thought she was, etc. etc".

He still hasnt made any effort to find a job or attend school possibly in the summer. I told him that once he finds a job or decides to go to another school he'll meet new friends and start a different life for himself. He didnt say much to that. I originally gave him the ultimatum that he had until the 24th (tomorrow) to find a job or find some place else to live (that was said in anger). I told him last night that I was sorry for that ultimatum, I wasnt going to kick him out, I respected his decision, however wrong i thought it was, to leave school HOWEVER he must have some sort of go-forward plan. Considering the emotional turmoil he's in with his girlfriend, I gave him until this Sunday and we would sit down and talk about the future.

Well, I have access to his email account (which he doesnt know about) and I read an email from the girlfriend. Contrary to his story about another boy, she said in the email that the reason why she broke up with him was because he treated her like crap, always expected her to have sex with him, she wanted someone with ambition and that liked school like she did so thats why she's dating the other guy. I was stunned! Not so much about the ambition and school part but the other.

Now, I'm not feeling so sorry for the kid anymore. If he treats his girlfriend like that, then he deserves to be dumped. I've seen the way he was with her and sometimes he teased her and stuff but I guess she was really hurt by it. I always liked her and in a way I'm glad she found someone else that treats her better.

So now I dont know what to do. He's in a real funk about losing her, is angry and depresed probably not only about her but his entire situation. I'm worried that he might do something rash. What does everyone think I should do? I mean I've talked to him, told him how much I care about him, want to help in any way I can but the kid has to start helping himself too. I just hope that this girlfriend thing doesnt turn him into some sort of depressed, angry young man. He's always had social problems and not many friends. I feel like I've failed him somehow along the way. Maybe I shouldve moved him to a new school prior to all this happening or something. I'm so stressed out and not sure what to do anymore - feel like a lot of this is my fault. HELP!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:11am

First, stop blaming yourself for his behavior and poor choices. He's old enough by now to know and understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. He's old enough to know what the right thing to do is.

He's being a slackass and although he may be confused about life, his future, his past mistakes or poor decisions, etc., the bottom line is that HE is the one who has to make better choices and decisions for his life, not you. It is not up to you to fix this.

What you CAN do is offer him the opportunities to bounce ideas off of you; you can create situations around the house where he is expected to be responsible for more, such as helping with yard cleanup and other chores. You can ask around your circle of friends if anyone is looking for any help, such as landscaping or carpentry - something to keep him busy and making some money while he figures out what he wants to do.

As for the girlfriend, I wouldn't worry, he's probably just brooding about what she told him, not so much about the other guy, but perhaps he regrets being such a jerk to her and he may not know how to handle that fact. If he's open to it, counseling wouldn't be a bad idea to help him work through his emotions and perhaps come up with some new plans. There is this woman in our town who is a life coach and I know it sounds hokey, but apparently she's worked with a lot of HS seniors over the years and been quite helpful. Her cards are in all of the new age type of stores and tea houses - maybe there is one near you too.

Best of luck - hugs to you both, it's so hard to watch our kids when they are in such pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:46am

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The key to this is the If he treats his girlfriend like that. Please keep in mind that this girl might have written those things b/c she was upset also and trying to justify her actions. He may not have really treated her like that. My DD can make DH and I sound like total monsters when she's mad at us. Teens do want sex and she may have been feeling guilty for having those feelings and turned it around that he was pressuring her. Any number of reasons for what she said - doesn't mean its true.

I do agree with you that he needs a game plan for the future even if its a short-term plan while he figures out the long-term. He is still young and may need your guidance on this. I'm sure you've discussed this with and he's at a point where he may see this as nagging and not really listen. This doesn't mean you give up. This means you keep trying even harder. You may have to sit down and figure out a different approach. I think your asking to him to have a plan by Sunday is good but be prepared as to how you will react if he doesn't have a plan. You may try making out a list of expenses that he will be responsible for - car payment, insurance, gas, cell phone bill, video games, etc. I wouldn't throw in food and clothing just yet but if he doesn't work or go to school, he has no "need" for a car so that can go if he can't pay for it. Since he won't be leaving the house at all (no car) he won't "need" a cell phone and he doesn't need video games at all. I think you get the picture. Tell him you will continue to provide him with food, clothing and shelter but any extras will be his responsibility until he prepares and implements a game plan.

And I'm sure this is easier said than done so I wish you alot of luck!