Is "need my privacy" always ok?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Is "need my privacy" always ok?
6
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 12:44pm

When is your teen's comment "I need my privacy" or "none of your business" something you call them on?

I understand the growing need to separate from the parents, so I know a degree of this is typical. But when does it pass? And how do you know when it poses a problem. How do you know when to push it and when to smile and shake your head?

13-yo DS just started this behavior. Suddenly. Strongly. I finally figured out he has his first "GF" (I believe it's a girl I'm not fond of). But questions anywhere close to this topic are solidly rebuffed. Even general questions.

After being told by both friends of his and a teacher that DS did indeed have a GF (and no, I wasn't fishing for that info. It was apparently common knowledge to others, just not to me) I had a chat with him. Told him I appreciated his need for privacy and that I certainly did not need to know every detail of his life. But, I added that secrets are often kept when a person feels the info will get them in trouble or because they fear the recipient will misuse the info in a negative or hurtful way. I tried to reassure him that I would not misuse any trust he gave to me (pointing out other private things he's told me that have stayed private).

I also told him how uncomfortable it made me to have other people telling me things about my kid that I was totally uninformed about. He said he understood, and I could tell he was considering what I said, but remained zip lipped.

I know nothing bad is happening. Mostly he only sees the girls at school or at school events, but it still makes me uncomfortable. I feel even more uncomfortable about being shut out since he's asking to go to group activities (boys+girls). If I don't know the type of relationship he has with the girls, I don't know how to make the decisions.

Of course, being the worrier I am, I wonder if privacy is ok about the not so important things, what will happen when the really important things (drugs, sex, etc) come up?

What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 4:54pm

I think the two of you need to set some guidelines about what you need to know vs what he can keep to himself. And both of you need to live with those guidelines.

If you set the guidelines by what is it you need to know to ensure he is "safe" both physically and emotionally then that might help set the boundaries.

For example, whether or not he has a girlfriend is one thing he should be telling you. His friends and whom he is associating with both casually and seriously can influence so much of his behaviour that it definitely falls into keeping him "safe".

However, knowing whether or not he and his girlfriend have kissed yet -- well -- that is kind of treading on dangerous ground for a kid his age. This type of thing is intensely personal and certainly he would be embarassed talking about this with his mom. Instead of asking him for details just ensure that he understands how you expect him to behave and conduct himself with girls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 6:17pm
Great post.
Kids need to know there are some things that are indeed our business, and setting some guidelines for distinguishing this is a great idea.
My darlings were notorious for trying a few things on for size, such as their "grades were none of my business." yeah. right.
Incidentally, I hate the phrase, "none of your business." It took a while, but I eventually got them to say, "I don't want to talk about that." Then we would negotiate. lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 9:07pm

I guess we need to know where, and with whom they are spending their time.

My DS got his first gf at age 15 and he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend--his friends told me. I was not hurt by that, nor did I think he was hiding anything. At the time they were almost always with a group of kids, even though they were "going out". I think he didn't really consider his gf at the time, but just a girl whom he liked. My son is somewhat shy, and if everyone had gone around saying that he and gf were going out, he wouldn't have liked it, preferring to remain just one of the guys. Maybe your son feels the same. Of course, things are different now, two years later; they do spend more time alone and he doesn't mind that people know C is is gf.

As for his being open about other things, I don't know. He knows what we do not approve of, and he's not going to tell me everything he and his friends do. We found that out when he got "caught" drinking. We have to trust them, even though we find out they sometimes do the wrong thing. We just trust them less after that, and they have to earn back our trust.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 5:48pm

I can totally relate because a couple of years ago when I found out that my dd was cutting (and depressed), I would seriously wonder what she was doing behind closed doors everytime she was in her bedroom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2007
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 2:49am
I have many guilt feelings about invading my daughter's privacy, at times, but I rely on a gut instinct to know when it's needed. Without boring you with the details of my 17 year old daughter's past, I can assure you that sometimes it is good to snoop, a little. However, at 13, just keeping up a continual, casual conversation about making the right choices is advisable. I used to pick moments when we watched TV, or were riding in the car listening to some sexually explicit song. My daughter groaned, and complained, but I just assured her, as a counselor once told us, that we knew we were very protective of her, but that she'd have to get used to it. In other words, put it on you, don't imply you don't trust your child (unless your child gives your a reason not to trust him!). We told her we loved her and couldn't help worrying about the dangers of living in this world. She generally tried to relieve our fears. However, be prepared....13 is only the beginning of the teenage attempt to pull away. If teenagers survive these years in a healthy manner, they seem to come back when they are in their 20's.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:03am

I suspect he doesnt see the GF thing as a big deal-at this age, he may be going along with the crowd and the girls interest in him. He may be thinking "when I get a car and take a girl to a movie, THATS a GF"

In terms of privacy and sex, drugs, etc

I dont believe our teens tell us anything they think might disappoint us. Fear of punishment might play in but I truly think the former is more of what they worry about

IMHO if you want to know about his involvement with those things, you are going to have to be diligent, observant, and objective in your interactions. Like that little voice Oprah talks about, I think we often 'know' but we push it out of our minds. "He smells like smoke because this is the jacket he wore to the restaurant Tuesday"

Anytime I have gone with my 'gut', I have been correct