Need some advice
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:57pm |
HI all,
I am a mother of a 17 yo son. I have had it up to my eyeballs with him. If someone would buy him, I would sell him!! Not only me, but my DH (not his father) and my other DS (24)
My DS (the troubled one) has NO respect for any one or anything. It is worse than pulling teeth to get him to do anything.
He doesn't pick up after himself, leaves empty food packages in the fridge. He is lazy, mouthy and overall DISRESPECTFUL!!! He stays up all night on the phone, and sleeps all day, refuses to get a job.
My problem, nothing I do affects him. I have grounded him, he doesn't care. I have made him leave his bedroom door open, he doesn't care. I am out of options here. I have no other way of punishment for this kid!! He doesn't have a cell phone, or computer at home.
His Bio dad is no longer in the picture (deceased), so I can't have him go live with him. He is double my size so I can't "beat him"!
HELP ME!!! Any form of punishment any advice, ANYTHING!!
BTW, this is my friends Ivillage account.
Thanks

Currently he is not in school. Because he got in to some trouble the last few days of school last year, I went ahead and got him into "Boot Camp", it is a place for troubled teens and in just 6 months they get a dipolma. I also forgot to mention that he is 16 years old and he is in the 9th grade. Since this semester of Boot Camp was already filled, he will be going to the one that starts in Janaury. He said he is going to get his GED before then. We Shall see!
Over the summer he applied for 2 jobs, being so sure that he would get hired by one of them, but since then he has made NO effort.
I don't give him money. I have offered to buy him a skate boards, clothes...etc, but his attitude still sucks.
His Dad wasn't ever able to hold a job and I don't want DS to be like his father. I need to get this under control!!
Please HELP
Why is the only option you're open to is bigger and meaner punishment? I'm absolutely STUNNED that you think you'll get more cooperation, more respect, more energy from someone who you are punishing as much as you can ("I can't beat him"?? Does that mean if he were smaller, you'd think that *was* a good way to build respect?).
Think about other people with whom you've had to get along - other people you've found to be difficult - how did you deal with them? If he were another adult, how would you approach the situation?
IMHO, teenagers respond better when they are approached as if they are *human beings* rather than just yelled at and punished.
I know you came here to vent, but I hope that after the vent you have some energy to look at how you can make your home more pleasant for your WHOLE family. What motivates your son? How can you help him turn what must be an unpleasant situation for him into one that is more productive. Right now you have low expectations for your son, and he's living up to what you expect.
Questions;
~ is he 16 or 17?
~ which boot camp is he going to?
~ does he know he is going?
Well - what are you planning to do at this point? I am guesing he is going into his senior year which means he is just as happy to have his future pick him than to make a decision and be "wrong". I would make some appointments for college tours - I would consider family counseling and find something he is passionate about.
Let me say - I have been him and punishment os not the answer - it just creates a false power system. His being bigger than you should not influence the way you respond to him - my son is 6ft 5 and about 270 - he does not intimidate me at all - at least on the exterior. :) For the examples you gave - if he refuses to get a job he should know what poverty is at this point - so this means he does not drive because he certainly cannot pay for gas, car, insurance etc... without any income. Who pays for the phone he is up all night on? If it is you I would reposses the phone until he does get a job and as for the food wrapper - stop cleaning them up. Talk to him about being responsible. I know it is hard but you have to take the "symptoms" out of the debate and focus on the nuts and bolts - require more of him as a person. The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have by Laura and Malcolm Gauld is one I would highly suggest and it is never too late!
One final note - don't gang up on him as a family - he is struggling, as most teens do, to shift into adulthood. Your unconditional love at this point will help more than anything else. He is already doubting himself more than he will ever let on. My mother used to complain about me to my brother who was off at college and it ruined my relationship with him.
Good Luck
Courtney
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom
Sorry - disregard some of the last post - I thought you had said he was 17.
Can I ask how well he did prior to entering high school academically? socially? behaviorally?
Look into the HYDE school - it is pricey but it teaches responsibility and accountability.
Courtney
Courtney
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom
DW and I are a good example of this with our oldest, DD17. DW constantly feels disrepected, and that DD is lazy, etc etc. Basically very similiar to what you are going through. Before DD had a bf, she also didn't care if she was grounded really. Yes, it bothered her, but she just turned her energy into disrupting the rest of the family and making things difficult. Nothing was solved by grounding her, or any other punishment for that matter. She still felt the same, and would make the same mistakes.
When I started working from home more, my relationship with all of my kids got better. Being the oldest, staying up later, needing more rides to places than the other kids got DD and I very close. We talk fairly easily, and yes she did and sometimes still does give me snappy answers. She's 17 though! I just tell her that her mother would be yelling at her right now, and she needs to think before she snaps. We talk about nearly everything, music, sports (yes, DD is now a football/baseball fan from time spent with me), school, her job and sometimes even her BF. I know she doesn't share everything, but I'm her dad, how could she? We have a good relationship. Meanwhile, DW still hollers, ignores, whatever. DD gets more annoyed and the cycle is going full speed to disaster. Can't tell you how many times I became the object of DW's aggression for trying to "defend" DD.
My point is this; you didn't mention anything the DS is doing illegal or immoral. Just the laziness really. What does he like to do? Figure it out and tell him that it will happen IF he keeps the 'frig clean for 1 week, or whatever. Reward him for doing, not punish for not doing. Maybe it will work better.
And above all else, someone else said it too, make sure the he knows you love him unconditionally. That doesn't mean you'll always be happy with him, but you will still love him no matter what.
Good luck.
You have gotten some very good advice, especially from dadfor6 and the previous one. The theme is that same, what you are doing isn't working so doing it more or louder will just create more failure. I would add to the mix a suggestion to read my favorite book on parenting teens, "Parent As Coach" by Diane Sterling. It is all about doing exactly opposite of what you have been doing and I can testify from personal experience that it works. If you can't find it locally, go to the parent's resource section on my website, http://TheParentsCoach.com and click on the title.
By the way, didfor6, my favorite way of getting teens to talk about their feelings is to hang out with them for extended periods of time until they are ready to talk. You are doing just that and getting the positive results. I wanted to point this out for those who are having problems getting their teen to dump feelings.
Jason
My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com &nbs