need some help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
need some help please
3
Wed, 12-05-2007 - 8:28am

I am the mother of a teen age boy who just turned 17.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-05-2007 - 9:14am

I was unable to stop it. I did what I could to minimize the opportunities, but, yes, short of grounding them until they are 30, what can you do?

You could set up drug testing-this is readily available these days to parents-and institute a system of reward and punishment based on the results. I chose not to go this route but I did the legwork and considered it

Is he a senior or a junior? I would likely be tougher with a junior myself

Mine was cutting school fairly often and going to the home of his best friend during the day. DH and I are both home office with appointments out and the other family is nearby-we caught them twice but who knows how often this was happening.

Could we take his car? Sure? Could we take his best friends car? Nope! School would not help by taking away open lunch or any kind of supervising. We were only told 1/20 of what went on and it was the office ladies not his counselor or dean, both of whom we asked for help regarding the cutting(I was not comfortable bringing up drug use because I didnt know what responsibility that put them under to check lockers, etc)

It's frustrating but we kept him working at a PT job(although one could likely argue that increased access as many were college students). He had a curfew until his senior year.

I talked and talked. Did my best to encourage other friends and discourage the best friend(I dont 'blame' him-it was the combo that was bad)

Hes a sophomore in college now and doing well. We had a very open talk about all this a few weeks ago and he said he still smokes but he knows it has to be after he had done his schoolwork. Last year, he-I am finding out NOW-skipped most his classes(he had Bs and Cs)Old habits die hard, I suppose. He has one B now with the rest As. GF is a big influence as she doesnt believe in smoking pot(but drinks, although not excessively)

Im not being much help, am I?

Keep him busy; talk about driving safety;if there is a place this is occuring that you can track down, limit access. Talk, talk but don't do all the "you'll be on heroin next week-thats how this works' scare techniques

REsearch the real dangers-apathy about one's life and lung damage. He will take you more seriously if you are knowledgeable

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 12-05-2007 - 9:46am

I had to deal with the same thing last year with DS17. He admitted smoking pot when I questioned him and he told me he tried it cuz he was curious, and that it was the first time. I had a long talk with him about the effects of it(legal, and physical and mental health), and about a friend of ours who smoked it regularly in college. We told him to expect random drug tests.

In summer, after graduation, he went to a friend's home for an early afternoon (hmmmm)barbeque, on a weekday (a bigger hmmmmm), and came home around 5pm, and went right to bed. Because he'd gotten plenty of sleep the night before, I suspected they were smoking more than meat at the barbeque. I was furious! While he was still sleeping I went to WalMart to pick up a drug screen kit, came home, woke him up and made him give me a urine sample. It was positive. So....we had ANOTHER long talk and he swore he'd never smoke again.

I've been clipping articles,sending emails and having discussions about alcohol and drugs with both our sons for at least a decade--it's not like these talks were the first time we mentioned it. Maybe we just didn't talk enough. Maybe no matter how much talking we do they'll try it anyhow, I dunno. I suspect our older DS24 did the same in HS, and that I just never found out about it.

After the drug test, I thought, "Great, now what do I do?" I didn't think he was addicted and in need of treatment, and knowing he'd be off to college in a couple of months, I didn't want to chain him down, although I think I did ground him for the weekend. And I didn't want to call the police--he's not a bad kid who's always getting in trouble, but a pretty normal, quiet, rather shy teen trying to fit in. All I could do was hope that some of what he heard during our talks finally sank in. So far in college he's been doing alright, I think. We never know for sure.

Because you only SUSPECT your DS has tried pot, maybe you could start a conversation by asking if anyone he knows has tried it, or smokes it, and just proceed with the talk about the dangers. If we don't notice any major problems in our teens--grades dropping, personality changes, behavior oddities--talking is probably best. If there are any of those other changes, then I'd consider counseling.

It's so hard to know whether our actions/words will make our teens clam up and they'll be afraid to tell us anything; or whether they'll actually listen and do the right things.

Jason Wittman, a psych who's posted here, recommends a book, "Parent as Coach". I haven't yet read it but it's supposed to be very good. He also has a call-in roundtable discussion--details are at theparentscoach.com--if you're interested.

Good luck!

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 12-05-2007 - 10:40am

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Pam