Need some mom advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Need some mom advice
11
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 1:51am

Hey everyone! I haven't been to this board in quite a while! For those of you that don't remember or are new, I'm Korie, and I'm 16, a junior in highschool. I used to post here sometimes to get some parental opinion when I was having a hard time figuring some things out, having issues with my parents and doing some really stupid things, or to share some teen insight. But I'm back because I'd like a little mom (or daddioe!) adivce.

Any my current problem? I want to date this guy, but I think he's too old. If you were to ask me the oldest guy I'd date, I would say 18, maybe 19. This guy just turned 20. He's not a weirdo creepy 20. He's not even a "been there, done that" 20. He seems a little young for his age, pretty green. He still lives and home and goes to community college. He's a nice guy, very polite, goes to church, very funny, smart, cute. Basically, he's a pretty great guy by my standards. I like him, alot...and he likes me too. He does think I'm too young, I think, but would be willing to date still. I just don't know what to do. Sex isn't really an issue. I wouldn't have sex with him, and I think he would say the same thing...i don't think he's ever had sex before. It might actually be easier to stay away from sex because it's illegal, which another barrier that isn't negotiable. So basically, looking at all these positives, I'm thinking, "Just go for it"...but the age thing really bothers me. It doesn't make me uncomfortable when I'm around him, but it does when I think about it when i'm not with him. I really just don't know what to do.

But, here's the part that I think you guys will be able to help me with the most. If I do end up dating him, how in the world can I explain to my parents that I'm dating this guy who's 20 without them flipping out? Is it possible? I want to be honest about it, but I don't know how. I'm often not honest with my parents because I think I can make pretty good decisions without consulting THEM (even when I have to consult other people sometimes), and it's easier to just go with what I think without having to convince them that I'm right when I already know I am, or abide by their decision of a situation which isn't theirs. However, I know saying that makes me sound like a cocky teenage, which i probably am, so I need to start learning how to talk to them.

Thanks so much.

Korie



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 5:02am
Hi Korie! I've never met you before, but you sound like a very mature and insightful young lady! I've got to admit, the age thing bothers me, too. And I'm old enough to have seen a LOT of relationships with that kind of an age split. Heck, I even started dating my husband when I was 21 and he was only 17! So, can I say it never works out? No - obviously it can. However, what I've seen so many times is that the relationship may start out great, but the couple soon finds out that their lives are just too divergent and they don't have much in common. Not to mention the social stigma - he might find that he's a little embarassed to admit to his friends (and his family) that he's dating a high schooler - and if that is the case, you sure don't deserve to be in a relationship where you end up feeling like your boyfriend isn't totally proud to show you off! I think you already intuitively know this - and that's why the age thing is bugging you (and him) already. As for your parents - if they don't have any direct rules against dating an older boy, you could try inviting him over to spend some time with your family first. I do NOT recommend lying about or omitting his age - just letting them get to know him a bit so they can judge him for himself and not for his age. BUT...I would probably still end up discouraging my own daughter from such a relationship, so don't be too surprised if that is what they do. There are lots of other great guys out there - so don't be in too big a rush to grow up, Korie! Good luck and keep us posted :-)
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 7:46am

How about you invite him home for dinner (obviously with mom's approval) and just say he's a friend, and see what they think?

When I was in college I dated a guy already out of college, 4 years older than me, and we had fun, but it never became serious (I wasn't interested in that). Since I had no intentions of marrying him but I did enjoy his company and we had a number of common interests, it was more like a 'big brother' friendship than a boyfriend (although he did want more; I didn't!). I enjoyed the time and although wasn't 21 yet (he was 24, me 20) my parents didn't seem to mind. No, I wasn't 16 and him 20, but that age gap did make it so that I was only interested in 'doing stuff' for fun, which it was.

I'd say strike up the friendship, bring him home, see if you can get your family comfortable with him, tell them that it'll just be a 'for fun' relationship (and that IS possible, as I said above!) and go from there. Just because you hang out with an older guy doesn't mean he's out to do something to/with you that you are unwilling to do - as you said, you make the rules on that account (as did I). You're a very mature and bright girl, and I think you'd be aware of where you'd go and what you'd do with him, and if it was something out of your league/not to your 'rules', you'd just say no (as I did; and that can then break or strengthen that friendship). I'd hope your family would realize that and just accept him for the friend he is.

Note - having a few technical degrees, almost all of my friends (and all the people at work other than the secretary) are guys/men. That meant in school(after about 17) I was almost exclusively around guys/men, and obviously developed friendships with them, but that didn't mean there was more to those friendships. Personally I don't see an issue if you have your head on straight (and having 'read' your comments for the last year I know you do) and are up front in your relationships.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 9:53am
Hey Korie!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 11:52am

My oldest son started seeing a 17 year old a few days shy of his 20th birthday. She was in her third year of high school but was graduating at the end of the year(theyve made it harder to do that but,at the time, it just meant taking an English class one summer)

I wasnt thrilled about the age difference but, like your guy, my son was shy and inexperienced. He did a in school romance in high school(as most kids do in junior high)but this was his totally first relationship. She OTOH had dated extensively

I was appalled at the reactions I got, expecially on some of the IVillage boards(not this one but others). Had they crossed paths in HS, it would have been a freshman senior relationship which is not exactly non-existent. Yet there were so many negatives expressed, 99.9% of which were directed at my son.

They have stayed together and it seemed to ease once she was out of high school(which, for you, is a ways off)

So, yeah, be aware peoples attitudes can be pretty squirrelly on this topic. Many, many people are going to assume the worst of him. Frankly, Im more worried about him than you :)

The friend angle sounds great to me..it would be especially useful if you two had something in common-both played piano or both loved baseball games-whatever. Then you could emphaszie that commonality to take the heat off the dating/sex connection

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 3:41pm

Korie, talk to your parents. You know Korie, you sound like a bright young woman. I was impressed until I read your last paragraph. It shows that you still have a great deal of growing up to do.

Korie, nobody is always right. Nobody. And your parents are responsible for you and your well-being. You might not agree with them but hear them out. Try to understand where they are coming from and remember, they are not perfect. They also have years of life experience over you. Take advantage of that experience and wisdow, Don't shut them ou.

Take your mom out for a coffee. Tell her about this young man. Invite him over to meet your parents.

As for my opinion, your gut is telling you that it is not a good idea to date this young man. Follow your gut. If she were my daughter, I would advise her not to. Why? Simple. Why is a 20-year-old college student (& young man) interested in a 16-year-high school girl?
You are still in high school. He is in college. He is at a different stage in his life or, atleast should be. Can he not find a young woman in college, on his same intellectual level, to date? If he is too immature for girls closer to his age, that is a danger sign. You will outgrow him fast. No,dear Korie, follow your gut.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 4:43pm

What do you think will happen if your parents find out his age and "flip out"? Will they forbid you see him or would they be open to meeting him and allowing contact in a certain setting, like in your home when they are present? Would you honor their wishes, or arrange to see him without their knowledge? What is the chance that upon meeting him, they would decide to let you date him without any restriction beyond the usual rules for dating a guy your same age?

Before going any farther with any of it I think you should think about these scenarios. You already have some doubts about this friendship/relationship. Is it worth going further? Are you willing to deceive your parents over him? I commend you for wanting to be honest with them. Ideally you are also thinking about their feelings, and you want to rebuild your relationship with them. (you didn't say if/how much they are aware that you are not always honest with them and what their reaction has been to that).

We went through something like this with my dd when she was 17. Initially she told us that the guy was 19 so we wouldn't flip out. Later she admitted that he was really 21, right before we met him. He turned out to be a very nice guy, polite and respectful and understanding of the fact that due to her age she had rules to follow and parents watching with hawk's eyes. Since the same-age guys that she had dated in the past were "rebels" and basically losers this guy was quite an improvement. He was mature in the sense of supporting himself etc but probably less emotionally mature than some 21yo's. Dd's friends didn't have a problem hanging out with him and I think he was usually okay with being around her friends. His friends DID have a problem with her age so they rarely hung out with them. IMO that played greatly into their breakup althought there were other issues that probably would've broken them up eventually. (BTW my ds who is 2.5 years older than dd could never understand why a guy would want to date a girl that much younger either) They were together for 6-7 months and remained "friends" but rarely see each other. Seeing that this "older guy" was not some kind of wolf in sheep's clothing allowed us to lighten up in the future about dd and the age of her dates, but that was also changing as she got older, we *had to* loosen up...you still have a long time until you will be 18 or out of HS when your parents will be able to be more comfortable viewing you as mature and adult.

I was pretty disappointed that she had lied in the first place but concede that I would have "flipped out" about his age and likely tried to forbid them dating. Which in my dd's case would have meant more lying and sneaking around. Another disappointment that she couldn't or wouldn't respect her parents enough to observe our wishes, or at least be willing to work with us in a way for everybody to get some of what they wanted. I know, teens don't see that as a form of respect.

I don't know what to tell you about how to get your parents to accept him if you decide to proceed with dating him. I wasn't able to come up with good solutions for some of the problems with my dd including this one. Maybe my best advice is that if you want to build a good relationship with your parents then be honest with them and allow a sense of trust to grow. Lies of omission and deceit in any form erode trust. When they see you displaying good judgement in some areas they will become more confident in your judgement in general, including dating and older guys.

Probably more than you wanted to hear but I hope that there is something in this reply that helps you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 10:50pm
First, I want to say that I think it's admirable that you're thinking this through so thoroughly. It is a problem that my husband and I thought about with our oldest. My best advice would be to try and talk candidly to your mom about it, if you can. I can't say don't date him, because I know what it's like to like someone regardless of age. If he thinks you are too young, that could also cause a potential issue. Is there anyone at all you're interested in at school? Could you remain friends for a while and see what happens there? It's hard for me to say what to do, because this hasn't happened here yet Good luck to you, and talk to your mom!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 9:19pm

Thanks everyone for the replies and great advice. I guess for now, I've decided just to take things slow. Yeah, I think that might be a bit hard, but I'll just keep reminding myself that there's no reason to rush. Just wait a several months and see if our relationship needs to be any more serious. Right now we generally hang out in groups. I met him at work, and then found out he was in my friend's band, so we have some of the same friends. Most of my friends are 2 years older than me, so I guess it's natural to meet older people. I think it's good that we have mutal friends. We can just continue hanging out in groups and I'm not going to push for any alone time. I'm hoping that I can just introduce him to my parents as a friend and they can get to know him. Then if we get more serious, they might be more accepting of him.

Korie



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 12:26pm

Hi, I'm kind of late chiming in but wanted to agree that it's always best to come out with the truth first - you will make a lot of points with your parents simply for telling the truth! I know that works well for me and my teens. Even if they still tell me things I don't always want to hear! I don't know your parents, but if you feel more comfortable talking to your mom it's entirely possible that she won't hit the roof when you tell her old this boy is, first of course, telling her about "who" he is, the things you have in common, etc.

Having said that, I'm also uncomfortable with the age difference and apparently so are you. I've made alot of mistakes in life, and several of them came from ignoring that "little voice" inside me.

When my sister was 18 (and I was 29) she dated a 32 year old man, in fact she married him and had his son. They are now divorced and he still acts like a child when he doesn't get his way (the ex, not the son!). The fact of the matter is that this man was emotionally immature, and could not deal with women his own age. This is what all the men in our family were saying at the time - father, brother, and bil (my dh, who was a year younger than him). But none of us could do much, she was going to do what she wanted to do...just yesterday she was telling me how, being 34 now, she can't imagine what her ex wanted to do with her, at 18. She would never dream of dating a younger man now. You have to wonder what is wrong with her ex. The woman he cheated on her, whom he married, is two years younger than my sis! As I've said, he still tries to impose his views on others, is emotionally immature and has anger management issues.

I realize the age spread is not as extreme in your case, but you have to consider all of the above in your decision. Is he emotionally immature? Do you think he can't deal with girls his own age? Good luck in your decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 11:04pm

Hi Korie. Sorry for the late post.

At this point, you’ve probably already decided what you’re going to do. How is it working out?

From what you posted, it looks like you agree that a 16 yr. old dating a 20 yr. old is not considered "normal" (whatever that may be) in most circumstances.
One of the typical reasons parents give, is that there is a fairly large difference in developmental maturity and experience in those 4 years, and a 16 yr. old is not mature enough to realistically live in a 20 yr olds world. Also, dating someone beyond high school usually distracts from the whole “high school experience” thing.
Yet you don’t describe a typical 20 yr. old.

<<>>

If you’ve already brought this up with them, I’m curious how they handled it.

Of course, without knowing your parents, I can only speculate as to the level of "flipping" that takes place. If you just give the minimal amount of information to your parents in the manner accustomed to most teens, you already know world war 3 will probably happen. Even under the best of circumstances, if you fully explain to your parents the same information you provided to us, it still probably wouldn’t go over very well; probably just less hysterical.

I’m trying to imaging my reaction if my daughter came to me with this. To be fair, please try to step in your dad’s shoes for a moment – Remember, he doesn’t know *anything* about this 20 yr. old "man" that his daughter is contemplating a relationship with…...hmmm
Personally, as a father, here’s what would pop into my head… Either:
1) This man is a predator who is trying to bring my 16 yr old into his adult world. (Daddioe spontaneously combusts in "major freakage")
Or
2)This man is not adept or comfortable handling a relationship within his own age group. (Daddioe has a "significant fit", but asks more questions)

Either way, your work is cut out for you. I’m wondering if it's worth it? From what you describe, this friendship has just naturally developed by common interests (the band) and common friends. Why not keep it at that? You are very wisely keeping this non-sexual. Why bring the “D” word into the picture? Is it possible to remain friends and hang out without turning this into a dating thing?

Please let us know how it’s going and what you decide.
D

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