Need Your Opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Need Your Opinion
6
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:25am

Most of you know the struggles I have had with my daughter and her boyfriend. I have a question concerning my daughter that I am not sure if its normal behavior for a girl of this age. With every boyfriend she has had she changes with what she likes and dislikes. Examples: she used to hate pink would never consider wearing it for anything, until she met this guy who loved pink, then she liked pink, used to love cats, but one guy hated cats so she hated cats, used to hate a certain type of pizza but now because her boyfriend likes it she does too, and there are way more examples. And here is a big one that really floored me. She has been brought up in church and had strong beliefs concerning God and prayer. When she was dating this one guy all at once she didn't believe in prayer. Is it normal for a girl to change what they like and not liek for the guy the are with. Should I be concerned. I tried talking to her dad but all he would say is that she is a people pleaser. I just don't want her to lose a sense of who she is and what SHE likes and dislikes because I am afraid along with everything else it will make her very unhappy.

Update: boyfriend dropped another class at school because he said it was to much, also is not going to another class because he doesn't want to particiapte (choir of all things) and said if he doesn't get an "A" he will just drop that class too. He says he can't handle all this because of his adhd. He is on medicine for this and has been since like 6 years old. The only thing is he is not even trying, he just says he can't do it. I don't have much experience with adhd and was wondering if someone out there may be able to help me with this. He will be 20 next month but doesn't seem to have a desire to get off his medicine and will say he doesn't even try to pay attetention in class because he can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
In reply to: ks13mom
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:21am
I definantly see your concern. People who are followers can be led down a path that is harmful at times and I would want to protect my child from that. I think it is normal to be unsure of who you are during the teen years when you are going through so many changes. I think journal writing could be helpful to her-to be able to go back and read the things she has written would help her realize who she is and what is important to her. She may not even realize how much she changes for the people she is hanging out with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 12:49pm

I don't have any btdt experience, but imo this is not normal behaviour. Little things are fine, like suddenly liking the color pink. Kids are going to change alot during their teenage years. I remember changing my mind about little things when I was younger -especially if someone comes into your life and makes you see things from a different perspective. But you are talking about some major things. It sounds like your dd really doesn't know who she is, and is quite a follower. Maybe if you bring it up to her, gently, that your concern is not so much that she is changing her mind but that others are changing it for her? Of course, leave the bf out of it completely.

As far as bf and adhd, it doesn't sound like his problem is entirely adhd. After all, why take the meds if they are not helping? That's insanity. Either he needs to find something that helps or stop taking them. The fact that he's 20 means that his parents probably have little influence over him anymore. I don't think you're lacking compassion for his situation, but you're just wondering why he tries so little. Lack of motivation is quite common in add and adhd kids. They've kind of given up on a system that has let them down so much. Perhaps he will be different once he gets out into the world and finds what he is good at (it probably won't be anything that keeps him at a desk). It's obvious to me that he's using his adhd as an excuse, and I kind of wonder why he's even attending college with so little interest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:07am

sounds like his ADHD has been his excuse all his life. He's always been told he can't do more, shouldn't do more. Keep it simple, keep it easy because he has ADHD. He might, or he might just be plain lazy. Sounds to me like he's just plain lazy. Doesn't want to participate in choir, LAZY!

As for your dd, um, she's in trouble. Sorry, I'm gonna give it to you straight. I am a "people pleaser." As a teen, I tended to change what I liked and didn't like based on who I was dating and what my friends were doing. I didn't know what I liked because I was always trying to be what other people wanted me to be. Turns out, they didn't really care if I liked or hated cats or pizza.

Your DD needs a strong conviction. Maybe she should be on dating hold, take some time out from being part of a relationship, learn a little about herself. My son is also a people pleaser. He (like me) believes he can fix people. His beliefs don't change, but he will bend over backwards to help people, to fix people. There is nothing wrong with helping people, but there is something wrong with being used. It's a very easy step to go from liking the same color and food, to being used. Keep talking to her. Get her a journal. Get her writing to herself. This will give her the chance to say what she "believes" today, and read it next month and see if she's really changed or if it's the people around her.

((HUGS)) I think you need it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 6:20am
Thank you all for your help. If anyone has anymore please let me know. I will be gone til late tomorrow evening. My daughter is in a piano competition at the state level. I am proud of here but also worried cuz boyfriend seems to bringing her down and her heart isn't in this like it usually is. Any advice or suggestions is greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 12:24am
I agree w/ the OP's and would like to add a doorway to 'the journal' writing conversation. Rent and watch the movie "runaway bride" (julia roberts movie). If you haven't seen it, it is a cute story of a woman who changes her likes and dislikes to her boyfriends. when i watched it , i saw myself in it to some extent. but it would be a great opener to talk. k-
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 7:51pm

I suggested the journal writing but she refuses to do it. I think she is afraid to face some things. I also already did the Runaway Bride thing. She is just refusing to admit things. She hates to admit to being wrong but in the case if seh doesn't she isn't going to be happy.

Last night her friend that knew her boyfriend before my daughter did was with us, and somehow my daughters boyfriend came up in conversation. I am trying real hard not to be putting him down in front of my daughter, and I said something like he sure knows his sports, and friend who knws him said "the thing is that is all he knows and nothing else, and daughter said Unfortunatly you are right. So she knows but she just won't let go.