needing some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
needing some advice
2
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:10am

Im not real sure which board was best to post this on, but here goes:

My daughter is 19 yrs old. She has been in a relationship with this guy that is now 22 yrs old for one and a half yrs.
We have never really been too impressed with him but we just dealt with it.
He has never really "dated" her. They have gone to the movies and maybe to WalMart but usually they just stay right here in my house all the time. He claims to not have any money to go out. And yes, he is right. He still lives at home with his dad and he has alot of bills....a new truck, a new motorcycle, cell phone, credit cards and all the basics like insurance and such. He pays no rent or utilities.
My husband got him a good job where he works, this guy screwed that up and lost it and all the benefits.
During all this time, I, myself, was seeing all the little things that he was doin or kinda not doin.....I would bring these things up and my daughter and everyone else thought I was just picking on him.
Well, over time, she has stopped all contact with her friends, she sits at home and waits for him to come over. She never goes anywhere except to work and to school cause she is in college.
I came across an old cell phone the other day.....I found some text messages that were exchnged between the two of them. He was cussing her out, being verbally mean to her in these messages. Telling her how things were gonna be and if she didnt like it....his exact words were....f*** you and this relationship.
When I saw this it only confirmed what I had been thinkng and believning all along.
I showed them to my dh, and we talked to our daughter about it. She admitted that it wasnt right how he was treating her. We told her that we didnt like it.
We also told her that we knew she was 19...a young adult...so we couldt make her stop seeing him, but that if she did see him she couldtn do it here at our house because we couldnt sit and look at him knowing how he really was. We also talked to her about letting him do her this way...Told her she didnt deserve it and that she was better than that.
She took it upon herself to break it off with him. He came over to get his stuff and me and dh talked with him in front of her. He so much as admitted that he didnt think there was anyting wrong in the way that he treated her. He said he was raised that way.
Well, within a 2 week period, we found out she was lyiing to us telling us she was having no contact with us when she really was. We told her that if she was gonna see him, fine, just dont lie to us about it.
During this time, she seeked advice from my sister in law and mother in law. They both got her side of the story, looked at us like we were being controlling and advised her to tell us to back off, get out of her business, and for her to follow her heart and see him and give hima second chance.
Now, all this blew up in our faces one night. My heart was breaking because I knew deep down inside that the things that my daugter was saying to me wasnt things that she really meant, but yet she said them. Then we found out that our family put these ideas in her head...they knew all of it was about to happen and never said a word to us at all about it. The catch here is that when it did happen, I went to talk to both of them, not knowing where she got her advice...I was cryin my eyes out to them and both never said a word about anything.
I found out the next day where all this came about. My daughter admitted that she didnt mean half of what was said, that she didnt want anything to change except that she wanted to give this guy another chance.
Now, I feel really betrayed by my inlaws and my husband does too. I think that even if they didnt agree with some of the things that we were talking to my daughter about, that they should have at least told us that some thiings were fixing to come to a head and for us to be ready...but they never said a word...we were totally clueless.
I know that we have to let our daughter make her own mistakes, make her own choices and if she needs us we need to just be there....and I think I can do that.
But, to be betrayed by our family members that we are reallyclose to and talk to on a daily basis really hurts.
Does anyone have any advice....we are just totally clueless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:33am

IMO, your DD, an adult, went to family members that she trusted for advice, they told her what they thought, and kept her confidence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 8:36am

I would have to agree with Rose, perhaps one more idea. Do you see any evidence of physical abuse, that cannot absolutely be tolerated? Is the verbal abuse demeaning in any way? Just some things to watch for. Relationships at this age sometimes get very passionate and verbal. Although it should not get to the point of causing self esteem issues, if he putting her down on personal issues.

I will have to admit, my almost 20 year old dd gets a little nasty in the few spats that her and b/f have. They have been together almost 3 years.

The best you can do is keep a watchful eye, but continuing to call her out on this relationship is only going to cause hard feelings. Any of us with older teens, young adults, have had that experience at least once.

Good luck

Andie