New, about teenage son
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| Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:16pm |
I swear, being the mother of teenagers is going to do me in.
Sunday night we were at my mother's house for dinner and our son showed us a cut on his arm. It was pretty deep, and when we asked how he got it he said it was from work the night before. We asked him if he told his supervisor and said that it probably should have had stitches.
So about an hour after we got home, my husband came upstairs and said I needed to come down so ds could tell me something. It turned out that he did get a small cut at work, but then when he got home he made it deeper himself with a knife because he was upset at some things that happened at work with one of the supervisors. You could have knocked me over with a feather.
After I had my freak-out I asked him if he had cleaned it out, and he said not really, so I took him in the bathroom and it took about an entire QUART of hydrogen peroxide to clean it, and put antibiotic ointment on it and bandaged it up.
Yesterday was spent getting him into a counselor and taking him to the dr. to see if needed to be stitched up, or could be at that point. It had healed quite a bit, so the dr. just used steri-strips. He asked him what happened and if he did it himself, and my son looked at me and I gave him a look like, "You telll him or I will," because I was NOT going to cover up for him and lie about it.
This kid has been giving me a run for my money for the past several months with attitude and refusing to communicate. When I ask him what's wrong I usually get "it's personal and I don't want to discuss it." It is so hard to identify the line between giving them the personal space they need, room to grow, and being an involved mother. He usually doesn't want my involvement and tells me I'm overprotective and I hover too much. This incident would indicate to me that he has NO BUSINESS telling me that!!
I couldn't sleep until about 5 a.m. Sunday night because I was so upset, and last night my husband suggested I take a sleep aid. Supposedly there aren't any side effects (it's an over the counter), but I've been out of it all day. I think I'm also drained from yesterday. Once I took care of getting ds help, it's like my system was on overload. I had the hardest time focusing, etc. I think it was the shock of everything.
I have been surprised to find that more than anything, I am ANGRY with him for doing this. I feel more like, "How dare he" than fear about what could have happened.


I was a cutter and my daughter was a cutter. Both of us have been cut free for quite some time.
This is my advice.
If your son is engaging in self-injurious behavior (SIB) such as cutting, here are steps to take in order to receive proper assistance.
DOs
#1 Do reassure your child they are loved.
#2 Do be accepting and open minded.
#3 Do try to maintain your child’s personal space and privacy.
#4 Do encourage getting help. Make them a part of the process.
#5 Do see your family doctor and get a therapist referral.
#6 Do ensure the therapist understands self-injury.
#7 Do ensure your child likes their therapist.
#8 Do understand it may take several therapists to find a right match.
#9 Do consider getting help for yourself if you have trouble.
#10 Do be patient.
DO NOTs
#1 Do not freak out.
#2 Do not focus on the self-injury, it is not the problem.
#3 Do not make demands or ultimatums that they stop self-injuring.
#4 Do not force your child into therapy.
#5 Do not assume your child is mentally ill.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW:
Self-injury (SI) is a coping resource. People self-harm in order to escape from a distressing state of mind. By itself, SI is not a mental illness or a diagnosis of anything. Causes of self-injurious behavior are very complex. It often associated with some form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse during childhood. Frequently people who self-injure are unable to express either anger or sadness in appropriate ways. Self-injury can be addictive. Most self-harm is done in private. It is not a way to seek attention. It is not a symptom of someone who is suicidal.
These websites go very deep into the topic of self-injury. You will learn a lot if you are willing to read them.
LifeSIGNS - http://www.selfharm.org/
Self Harm a National Inquiry - http://www.selfharmuk.org/
Secret Shame - http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html
Psyke Self-Injury Information and Support - http://www.psyke.org/
Self-Injury: A Struggle - http://self-injury.net/
Here are some resources specifically geared towards family members. (YOU)
http://selfharm.org/others/index.html
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/ffriend.html
http://self-injury.net/familyandfriends/
http://www.vinland.org/scamp/institute/friends.html
LifeSIGNS offers a free book on Self-Injury. You can find it here:
http://www.selfharm.org/files/lifesigns-sia-booklet-2007.pdf
Good luck.
Your advice was absolutely wonderful. With your permission, I would really like to put it in the resources section of my website, http://TheParentsCoach.com The only other cause of cutting that I am aware of, that you didn't cover, is that cutting sometimes is a way that teens who feel powerless about their situations and not in control of their lives can feel in control.
Physiologically, pain stimulates the endorphan system which is exactly the same system that produces pleasurable feelings. That has been offered as a reason why this behavior had the possibility of being addictive.
The most important part of your advice is about loving your teen, unconditionally. For parents who are horrified by this behavior, the first thing they need to do is to deal with their stuff by getting educated and getting counseling assistance, if needed. Without doing that, they will be of no use to their teens at percisely the moment when they are needed the most.
My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com &nbs
I can't add anything to pp's very good and informative post.
Good luck!
You are definitly not alone in this world of raising our teenagers . It is intense , stressfull to say the least and very very frustrating . they do all grow up although sometimes I do find it hard to believe my son ever will but yes they do . this isnt forever. just hang it there as best you can . when they do grow into adults we will still worry but you know someone told me once you can only do the best you can to guide them and they either take the advice or they dont . and if they dont then it is their life to learn it the hard way . so i tell myself time to time as well :)
I understand the "how dare you". For me it would come partly from how it makes me look as a mom, and partly from the grief and aggravation I now have to endure. I imagine there is a guilt component. I would not worry about it as you have done nothing wrong.
My son has threatened to cut himself when I tell him he can't do certain things (like drive to the shore.) I know he doesn't mean it, but he threatens it because he knows I won't like it. He is trying to shock me. This is why I understand "how dare you" because I think some may do it to get the parents mad. (not that I have any experience in dealing with it--this is just my guess.)