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| Fri, 07-28-2006 - 2:06am |
I am new here--I want to give you a little bckgrd on me. I have 5 children-g,b,g,b,g in that order and my kids are the love of my life. Before having children I vowed to be the best mother I could be--I knew that I wanted children--always. I would do anything for my children--all of them. They mean so much to me.
My oldest dd and I are very close. She tells me everything...and turns to me for advice. (She even gave me her myspace password. how's that for faith?) She really is a great girl! She is shy, introverted, sweet, kind, caring and generous. She is so different from her friends. (I have even had my friends make the same comment, that she doesn't fit in with the kids she calls friends.) Her friends (from my observations) are fast...they swear, they do not talk to their moms, they can pretty much go anywhere, with anyone at any time, they have boyfriends and are engaging in sex...they are rowdier... overall...different.
It seems that she is always the one that is left out. Whenever she does anything with these girls, it is usually b/c she asked them to do it--and I am always the one going all out so these girls can have a great time--ok not entirely true--I do it for my daughter. I guess I try to buy her friends and make things perfect so they will love dd like I do. (Not good, huh?)
These girls decided the other night (they are often having get together's where they exclude dd) to call dd and rag on her. When dd hung up the phone...I seen the look of despair in her eyes. She was so sad. I could not help myself...I picked up the phone and called one of the girls back and told her not to call my house and start mess with dd. (I know, I still cannot believe I did that.)
I just feel like dd has such a hard time connecting with other girls her age. I mean A: Why did they not invite her to the sleep over? b: why do they never extend an invitation to dd. c: What do I do to help her strengthen her friendships (besides stay out of them, lol, I learned my lesson. Cut me some slack though--she is my first born! lol)
I mean, I know I am over protective...No, I don't let her go to the mall and roam. I prefer that if she is going somewhere that an adult be present. Am I damaging her social life? Is it me? Should I be letting her go wherever she wants and whenever she wants? Or should I back off a little? I mean dd does not think twice about telling me the good, the bad and the ugly. Are we too close? I am in tears thinking about this....I wanted to do all the right things for my children. I don't have the answers right now.
I do not know how to fix her social life and make her that popular girl she wants to be. I buy all the name brand clothes so she will fit in (Abercrombie, Hollister, etc)--I do also explain to her that her clothes do not make her---but I am a firm believer in the theory that if you look good you feel good. I give her the best of the best--are these girls jealous? Should she be picking better friends?
She is about to start HS soon and I want to ensure that I am doing all I can (or not doing what I shouldn't be doing) to make this successful for her. For those of you with high school aged children....how is life there? Now that we survived middle school, are we out of the woods? (Middle school is supposed to be the worst part ...right?)
Ok well that is all from me. I am sorry if my thoughts are all over the place--I am just so emotional when it comes to my kids. Any advice you can give me will be appreciated.
~Mary

Hi Mary,
I read your post and I wanted to help.
Hi Mary! Your dd sounds very similar to my oldest dd, now 18. She hung with this crowd in Jr High that started getting racier each year, drinking, paryting, having lots of BF's, etc., and that just wasn't my dd. She was so shy and nervous about all that stuff. Even now, it's just not her lifestyle - she is still very much a prude and cautious about how she spends her down time, very responsible and she has goals, has always had goals. I think it's very commendable that your dd finds it easy to confide in you. My dd has always been like that with me as well - at times I felt like I was her only 'friend' and confidante, which is not really normal according to many, but as moms, we want to be there for your dds and some of us are better than others at drawing a fine line between mom and friend, eh? It is a fine line that you really want to try not to cross.
I will tell you, my dd slowly detached herself from those rotten girls who pulled similar stunts on her as your dd's friends did to her. She was always the one inviting them, but they would have sleepovers and parties and never invite her - OR - she chose not to go because she knew they'd basically be drinking and making out all night. *Keep that in mind, your dd may be choosing not to attend some of these events for similar reasons.
There were a few months, perhaps almost her entire 8th and part of her 9th grade years where she was somewhat lonely because she simply did not have a friend she could trust. She suffered through it, she was interested in guitar, so we got her lessons. She is an avid baker, so we tried some cooking classes and encouraged her to try new things in that regard, we bought her new kitchen tools and appliances so she could stretch her imagination and skills. Slowly, she realized that she didn't need to be part of a 'group' - all she needed was one or two good friends. Eventually, she found one, then two and then three. She was okay, she IS okay. She's better with one or two close friends, but not so much in a crowd. Right now she has 2 girls that she hangs with occasionally. She's still a homebody and the one girl she is VERY close with is often not around, but dd is okay. Along the way, she's learned to be more self reliant and to tap into herself to find new and innovative ways to be her very own best friend. She's also leaned on me a lot, but lately she's matured so much and is so busy with work and getting ready for college, that she often does things on her own rather than 'need' company.
Find out or feel your dd out for what her interests are and her natural talents and then nurture them - encourage her to take it to the next step. I would strongly suggest she fill her time outside of school with events or clubs or interests that are not tied to her friends in school - she needs to develop and make new connections. Is she old enough for a part time job? I know that at 15, many kids can become camp counselors in training at the local Y or in town recreations parks, or perhaps at a local farmstand. Just something so that she isn't placing those kids' interest in her as her only value. She needs to realize that she's valued by herself and for who she is without them and feel good about it. KWIM?
Give her a little extra attention, but not the pitying kind, and hang with her once in a while alone, without her siblings. Each child should have that one on one time with you once in a while anyway (easier said than done). Best of luck - she'll come out of this okay.
ps: As far as calling those kids back - that's nothing. I have a friend who routinely gets in her kids' business. They are so used to it, that they don't even care anymore and usually it takes the other kids by such surprise that they stop whatever it was they were doing! However, I would do some role playing with your dd to help her learn ways of thinking & reacting faster and stronger; and with role playing she can learn how to speak up for herself - you can give her some suggestions on what to say, etc. BOTH of my dd's needed role playing to learn this and it does work! Niether of them have any problem saying what they mean anymore! lol
Hi Mary and welcome to the board.
Dear Mary:
I can sympathize w/ your feelings when your DD's friends are mean to her. My DD is going into 12th grade now and 2 years ago in the spring, she had an argument w/ her best friend, which somehow spread to the whole group taking sides w/ the other girl against my DD. My DD is the real social type. She can't stand to be alone and she was always having fun w/ this group of girls. Well, that summer was really hard for her. She basically only had 2 other friends who would still do things w/ her (which sounds like it should be enough, but not everyone was available) and she was too young to work, so she spent a lot of time hanging around the house alone. That was the year that the Red Sox ended up winning the world series and she became a baseball fanatic, I think just for something to do. Anyway, this was something she just had to work out herself and somehow they all made up and now she is friends w/ the whole group again.
Your DD is going to have to learn to make friends on her own. You can't do it for her and going overboard to do stuff for the other girls so they will be friends w/ your DD is just going to backfire. If they are having sex before high school, I wouldn't even want my DD to be friends w/ girls like that. Hopefully in h.s., she will have a bigger group of kids to choose from and will be able to find kids who are more like her. My DSD is 16 and not "popular". She doesn't like the "Abercrombie" type stylish clothes like my DD & her friends. My DSD only wears jeans and black T-shirts. But she managed to find a best friend at school. So who cares if the friends are in the popular group? The girls go to a really big h.s. (about 500 kids in each grade) so there are plenty of social groups to choose from.
As far as going to the mall and doing things alone, I think that by the time h.s. comes, you will have to be letting your DD do more things, not everything she wants, but you have to cut the cord somewhat. I suppose it depends on where you live and whether you think it's dangerous. We have a suburban mall, and even in 8th grade, I would drop off the kids and then pick them up a couple of hours later. Maybe the first time, you could shop by yourself and let the kids go off by themselves for an hour until everybody gets used to it. Also, I dreaded getting the cell phones for the girls and having another bill to pay for, but in some cases the convenience was worth it. Before she had a phone, I would be waiting at the meeting place and of course, my DD is always late for everything. After she got the phone, I could call her and say I was waiting, plus w/ a phone, y ou know that if there is some emergency, she can always get in touch w/ you. My DSD's one friend's mother is overprotective and hardly ever lets her go out. I mean this girl is old enough to have a job, but she can't go to a movie at 7:00 p.m. even if parents are driving. I can't wait to see if she will be able to get a driver's license. Sometimes it does get my DSD so mad that she doesn't even want to call her friend cause she can never go out. So I guess in one way you do have to look around at what the other kids are doing. Not that you're going to let a 14 yr. old drink and smoke. But if everyone else is allowed to go to the mall or the movies alone, except your DD, that might give the other kids a reason to make fun of her and not invite her places.
Hi Mary,
You've already gotten some good comments, advice and feedback, I think. Just know that you are not alone when it comes to getting emotional about our kids. Most everyone has and does! You are also not alone in the whole 'girl drama' situation -- just about every mother of a daughter experiences it in some form during the teen years.
It seems to an unfortunate truth and fact that girls are at their worst, their most hateful, their most clique-y, during the middle school years. It DOES get better in high school. BTDT. My own DD's reaction to her ms girl drama was to attend a hs an hour away from home where she knew exactly ONE person in the entire student body. She had an amazing year, which was 100% her own doing. She exerted an ENORMOUS amount of energy being friendly, being careful not getting caught up in the drama, getting involved with activities she liked and enjoyed, extending herself, etc., etc. She is a better person for it. We are currently considering moving to another state and while my DD LOVES her school, her friends and has been so successful so far, she is wide open to the possibility of moving. It's not so scary after what she's been through!
I agree that this sounds like a group of girls your DD would be better off without; and feel you should encourage your DD to look for new friends once school starts again. And as others said, get her involved in activities that don't circle around kids from school.
And as others have said, I think this is a fine time for you to let her spread her wings a bit -- a trip to the mall or movies will be less stressful for you if you are parked somewhere in the vicinity with a book and a cup of coffee, or do some shopping on your own while she is occupied with her friends.
Hope this helps!
Julie
Welcome to this board! I wouldn't worry too much about this. When DD gets to high school, the groups will naturally shift. She'll find more friends that share her values and interests. I would encourage her to attend extra-curricular activities that she is truly interested in and that doesn't mean the ones that all the popular kids are in. I would much prefer my DD have a few good friends than have 100 acquaintenances.
Let's get one thing straight: these girls are not her "friends". I'm in agreement with Pam that I wonder why you would want her to associate with girls like that anyway. As for why they won't invite her anywhere, it's a sad truth that girls do not particularly want to hang with girls that will report back to their mothers. I've seen it as early as 5th grade. In your case, these girls are obviously doing things they don't want their mothers to know about. As for me, I wouldn't want my dd14 hanging out with girls like that, popular or not!
I hear things do get better in high school...my dd will start this fall, and I've got my fingers crossed. I have a ds16 but boys do not go through this.