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new boyfriend
| Tue, 03-27-2007 - 11:50am |
I am new to this board and am looking for Moms with similar experiences. My 16 year old sophomore daughter (1st child of two) has started a relationship with a junior that seems to be built on their mutual attraction only. This is really only her 3rd "boyfriend" and all they are interested in doing is kissing and making out. We have met this boy and he seems overly "charming" to us-lots of "ma'ams" and "sirs" that don't seem genuine, and our daughter admits that he is trying to impress us. Anyway, when they are at our house their activity of choice is watching movies and snuggling, and they have wanted to go to the movies and the mall. He treats her very much like an object in my opinion-calling her "my girlfriend" and patting her on the head, ALWAYS touching her in some way, calling every night for lenghthy chats, IM, etc. so I have just not felt really great about this relationship (they have no classes together and are not involved in the same activities at all) from the start. Yesterday I noticed that my daughter has a hickey on her neck and I just about fell over. (I should mention here that I am somewhat conservative.) Seeing that just confirmed to me that he views her as an object, and not a young woman. Am I over-reacting? My daughter feels I am-she doesn't think this is a big deal, though she did admit that she was surprised their making out resulted in the hickey. And she says her boyfriend is sorry-but only because he found out I was unhappy about it. My daughter and I generally have a good relationship but this has seemed to drive a wedge between us-she has made it very clear that she doesn't agree with my views about this. I am afraid if I criticize this boy too much it will drive her closer. She has never given me any reason to not trust her, but I feel in my gut that this boy is not one I'd really like her to spend time with. Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts about this? Anyone with similar situations that went okay or turned out badly? Thanks so much!

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I'll get slammed for this :p
I personally don't think the hickey itself is a big deal, I think they look trashy and I've made that clear to dd and I haven't seen any since. If it is in the course of more "activity" then yeah then you are dealing with something more, but then the hickey itself is the least of your worries.
Most teenage relationships begin with mutual attraction, heck most adult relationships begin this way as well. And yes the cuddling and im'ing and phone use are rather normal. I would definitely talk to dd about the "object" thing though. If she feels that way or maybe he's acting like he thinks he's supposed to act.
Everyone here knows, I was very leary of dd's bf when they began back in August. He was/is "big man on campus" and my dd was a relatively "new kid on the block". He's a complete over-achiever, she tends to under achieve. They definitely didn't run in the same crowd. DD was friends/had a crush on his younger brother last year - and his brother is definitely a "player" and loved to mess with girl's heads. Putting all this together I jumped to the assumption that he was therefore a player too.
I adore this kid now. Yes at first being around him was quite awkward and I didn't trust him one bit. After awhile, and I couldn't tell you when, he some how became a part of the family. He asked me the other day "You didn't like me at first did you?" That was a fun conversation lol. I had a hard time remembering at first that he was just a kid too and was learning how to have relationships too. He has been an incredible influence for dd (but definitely not controlling). While I sadly know this relationship won't last forever, I can hope dd's seen what a good guy is and won't follow in her hard-headed mom's footsteps and go for the "challenging" guys that treat you bad! My fingers are crossed that her choices stay so "nice."
If the guy is trying to impress you - that accounts for a lot. If there were no genuine feelings there why would he bother? Give it a shot, you may be pleasantly surprised as was I, because you are right, if you show your disdain that could backfire for you. I am the first to admit 8 months ago, I wanted dd's bf no where near her!! Just talk to dd about your values and concerns and go from there, touch on being treated like an object and see how she feels about it.
Good luck!
Edited 3/27/2007 12:30 pm ET by kel7col4
Well the good thing is that if the relationship is just physical it will likely run it's course soon.
My DD 17 and I have had several battles over previous bfs and her relationships. It's been a pretty rough road but I found that making negative statements about the bf only succeeded in putting up DD's defenses and it also put up a wall between us that blocked any communication. She responded better when I discussed relationships in general and what ingredients made up good relationships as oppossed to bad ones. Sometimes I would have a gossip session with her discussing real relationships of people she knew, whether they were friends of hers that were dating or her uncles and their gfs, asking her how she felt about her friend cheating on her bf and what would she do if it happened to her. Sometimes seeing someone in a similar situation made her open her eyes and see that she herself wasn't being treated the way she deserved. I also used car rides to talk to her about self respect, committment and sexual ramifications. Sometimes she would stare out the window but other times she would respond. My point is to keep trying to talk to her.
Have you talked to DD about birth control or how you feel about it?? She is 16, has been dating the same boy for a while and has been into some heavy make out sessions. I would have that conversation with her sooner than later. These feelings are very new to them and it is not easy for them to understand the difference between lust and love.
Hugs to you.
I tend to agree with what kel is saying. I also think that if you make a mountain out of a molehill (flip over the hickey and every other little thing), your dd will be less inclined to share with you. The phone calls and IM-ing, etc., are all fairly normal. And also the touching...many young bf's do this because they are acting the way they think they are supposed to.
Speak with your dd about your concerns about this moving too fast physically. Explain to her why the hickey bothers you and that you *hope* not to see any in the future. Discuss with her the importance of maintaining her girl friendships and spending adequate time away from the bf. Plan a weekly activity with dd, such as shopping, yoga - anything you can think of that you'll both enjoy. Once you've spoken about the hickey, etc., stop bringing it up - you will make her go underground about her entire relationship. It's good for her to hear it from you, but do not harp on it.
One more thing: There is nothing wrong with you limiting her phone and IM time. Parents do it all the time for various reasons and you have every right. Best of luck. Remember to choose your battles and remain aware.
I'm sorry but I'm not clear on the problem. I know I don't have a 16 yo or a daughter, but your post brought back vivid memories of my own high school social life so many years ago. There were many similarities and I was a good kid who never got in trouble and stayed virginal until end of college.
You said:
"he is trying to impress us"
- Isn't that a good thing? Better than a kid who grunts at you.
"when they are at our house their activity of choice is watching movies and snuggling, and they have wanted to go to the movies and the mall."
- What is the bad part of this? Assuming the tv-watching snuggles aren't happening alone in her room, that is. Otherwise, they aren't hanging out at parties drinking or living a wild life. Movies and the mall sounds pretty mellow. And are activities where they can talk to each other, which makes it more than just a physical relationship.
"calling her "my girlfriend" "
- I had an adult friend who always called his wife "my bride". Even after years of marriage and 2 kids. He did it because he was so in love and so awestruck that this person he so admired had agreed to be with him. Perhaps the boyfriend feels so lucky to have your daughter as a GF that he loves the sound of saying it? Heck, what's worse is a boyfriend who refers to you as "just a friend". Now THAT is bad!
"patting her on the head, ALWAYS touching her in some way"
- I grew up in a family that was very physical. Lots of hugging and touching. For us it was a normal way to express affection. The head patting... sounds alot like a juvenile, joking way to express affection. I've seen other kids do this. The touching would only worry me if it was done to control, restrict, or direct her movements (like forcing her to his car using a strong grip on her elbow, for example). Otherwise, touching is a nice way to connect! Sounds like he really feels connected. Is that bad?
"calling every night for lenghthy chats, IM, etc"
- Well that certainly sounds like more than just physical attraction there! If their only connection were physical, the talks would be short! I remember having conversations until sunrise with many a flame. Never with ones who just wanted sex. This is certainly better than a boy who can't put two words together. I think that's sweet. Plus, if she were feeling like an object, she would/could cut the conversation short. It's not like he's stalking her... she's responding. And I assume, holding up her end of the conversation.
(My son once got 81 phone calls in one week from a girl at school -- only one of which he took. If the BF did that frequently, then I'd say you should worry.)
"they have no classes together and are not involved in the same activities at all"
- I didn't share classes with any of my BFs in HS... they were ususally a year older than me. Their different activities just expanded my life because I got to meet more people and become involved with activities I wouldn't have otherwise, like sports or band or drama. It was a good thing, not anything bad.
"my daughter has a hickey on her neck"
- I agree with the other poster that, while nasty to look at, a hickey is not necessarily the end of the world. It's a bit overly passionate, yes, but at least it's passion kept well above the waist! Sorry. Didn't mean that to sound trite. It's just that even I remember the hickey stage of high school. It was not an indication of anything too horrible even then. Certainly didn't mark us girls an object. Heck, often it was the girls giving the hickeys, not the other way around. (BTW, did you check BFs neck?) Of course, it did mean my hormones were overcharged and maybe I needed a little less "alone" time with my BF.
Certainly there may be nuances you aren't expressing in your post. But based on just the things you wrote, I would relax as much as you can. From what I've read elsewhere, your daughter could have MUCH MUCH worse than this guy. The things you wrote don't seem worth worrying over. It almost makes him sound endearing.
Karen
You could find other things for her to do to indirectly limit their time together, but I don't see the makeup of their relationship as worrisome. I wouldn't consider 'my GF' or 'my BF' to be objectifying someone. It might be more of a commitment than you would like her to have at this point in time but that is really up to them(except, again, for your ability to keep her busy and limit phone and computer time)
I think casually dating multiple people is the better way to go(like in the olden days)but that isnt the way it is today. They ask someone to be the GF or BF and then its intense until it's over. I dont like it but.....I dont think we can change the teen scene
Honestly, I think you are over reacting. A hickey is not the end of the world, and either is kissing or making out. I also think if the relationship was just built on wanting to fool around there would be no IM or phone calls. I spend hours on the phone with my BF as a teen. He also did not go to the same school as I did so we never had classes together.
I am also not sure what is so bad about him calling her his girlfriend? My husband calls me his wife, because I am his wife. I am not sure what the issue is but he does not treat me like property.
I am also not sure why you have a problem with their watching movies? What do you want them to do? They are not out having sex or doing drugs, or out running around with lots of other teens. Going to the mall and watching moves is really not the end of the world!
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