new here, and have questions.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
new here, and have questions.....
6
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 9:00pm
OK, SO, we now have custody of the kids full time... ( ages 15 girl and 16 boy) My BF works nights so its just me and the future step kids... ( their mom is very irrespnsible, a psycho, and a compulsive liar... i could go on but....lol) They DO NOTHING!!! are VERY LAZY and have NO INITITIVE, and are SLOBS!!!!!!! and of course, as typical teens, they need to be told things 27 times before they actually do it!!! I really try not to nag, but I cant help myself..... I ask them to pick up their stuff, , it takes an hour, then I just find more stuff.. ( dirty dishes, ice cream containers, banana peels and half drunk cups near the computer, the list goes on......) because their dad works nights, it really is difficult for me to do this by my self... I know I cant change things overnight but I am LIVID when I come home and the place is NASTY because they are such slobs....... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! any advice is greatly appreciated.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 9:15pm
Personally I think this is between your BF and his kids. You are not their mom, not even their step-mom yet, and they are not little kids. If anyone is going to discipline them, or set rules, or help the house pull together, it will have to be their dad. And since they're so big, it will have to be a negotiation, not an order. Otherwise, they'll just defy both of you until it makes you crazy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 9:25pm

Personally I'd have a family meeting with all of you present. Set the ground rules. Food only allowed in the kitchen, table must be cleared, tash in a barrel and dishes in the sink. Rules for their rooms, computer, chores, school etc.. Everything spelled out with consequences very clear and in writing.

You bf and you need to sit down ahead of time and decide what will be the rules and the consequences and the expectations (chores, homework, contact infromation etc..).

Don't ask them to do anything. Tell them. When you ask you give them room to say "no" or "Later". It's not.. Could you please get your stuff out of the living room. You want to say. You need to take a minute right now and remove your things from the living room. (written consequence would be that if it's not done within 15 mins of your request.. you will remove it for them and they will have to do additiona chores in order to earn the item back).

I'm a firm believer in setting ground rules and expectations straight away and making them very clear.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 9:30pm

You could-when you are calm and with BF at your side-ask them what would help the situation?

Maybe a garbage can by the computer with a lid? Maybe using paper plates?

I know this is like putting a band aid on a broken leg, but it might show them that you are looking for their input and a solution as opposed to just complaining

Take 'some' of their suggestions-even if you dont like them-and who knows? Maybe it will motivate them to put forth some effort

I dont think they do it on purpose-I really dont-so dont take it personally. They are just so self centered, the consequences of their actions dont register

I would also avoid purchasing the worst offender foods. Buy grapes instead of bananas. Maybe buy can drinks and eliminate the cups-let them recycle the cans and keep the money.

Try positive-you never know. Nagging will just drive all of you nuts

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 10:02pm
You might want to try having a family meeting and discuss the "problems" with the whole family there. Discuss it with BF before hand and decide what you want to tackle first. I wouldn't lay everything on them all at one time, that is one sure way to lose them. You have to remember they are coming from a different environment and need to adjust to yours.
You may want to adress the food and dishes issue and tell them that this is not acceptable in the home they are living in now. Let them know that you want their input into ways to improve the living environment. What do they think is fair regarding food in the livingroom, bedroom, near the computer. Tell them what you would like to see happen, then set some guidelines. You may end up with "you can have food and drinks in the livingroom and bedrooms as long as you don't leave the dirty dishes and leftovers there. If you do leave them there you will only get x number of chances then you will no longer be allowed to do this." We have had the problem with our dd that she eats in the upstairs sitting room and leaves a mess of dirty dishes etc. She is no longer allowed to have food on the 2nd floor. Plain and simple. She knew the consequences and still did it, now she is suffering for it.
We have family meetings, especially when things get out of hand, like they aren't doing their chores like they are supposed to. We go through what the problems that have come up are and work on finding solutions. It is an ongoing process.
It may help to write down what you agree on, teens tend to hear and remember things like they want to. Write it down, read it back, everyone agrees on what it says and keep it.
Hope this helps.
Kristie
Oh, and I agree that you shouldn't take it personally. My kids can be the same way at times, maybe not to the degree you are telling us about, but somewhat the same. They are teens and that is what they are like.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 11:36pm

Hello,

I am new here also and I am a step mom to three kids ages 20,19,17 and two of my own 16,15. I feel your pain we have been married for 10 years there mother passed away when the kids were real little so I got them young and my first and I divorced when I was pregnant with my daughter the youngest. I went from playing baby dolls to buying first bras all in one weekend. It was great so I thought until my husband started working out of town and I was a stay at home mom who started finding clean folded laundry in the dirty clothes and by the twenty fifth load of dishes with no help I went on strike. It lasted three days I did not do laundry, dishes, clean, dinner nothing. The kids ate whatever ,on whatever, whenever I did not care. When my husband came home he found the house in disarray and the kids not wanting him to leave.
After a very long discussion of feeling like a maid versus a respected mother changes occured the kids learned how to do there own laundry and I have not done laundry for anyone else in 10 years. When I feel like I am being taken advantage of the rides,money you name it stops and they no until attitudes change they get nothing from me including my husband.
Try it I was surprised how much they like the bank and taxi of mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 11:06am

I am thinking that the kids haven't been living w/ you for that long and also that you haven't had any kids of your own. I would suggest getting some books on teenagers and/or being a stepparent. I have an 18 yr old DD who is incredibly messy. I don't even set foot in her room if I don't have to. The cat is scared to go in there. I am looking forward to seeing what happens when she's in college and has to share a room and if that changes. Still, I won't allow her to turn the common areas of the house into a mess. The kids are all trained that after dinner, they clear their own dishes and put them into the dishwasher. The teenagers do their own laundry--this can be the first thing you go after since if their laundry isn't done by them, they won't have clean clothes. Another simple rule will be that noone can eat or drink near the computer (or anywhere except the kitchen) since it could damage the computer and you can't afford to buy another one. The thought of not having instant messaging or whatever they use it for should scare them!

If they were raised by a psycho, irresponsible mother, it's no wonder that they are lazy and irresponsible themselves. They aren't doing it to bug you. Part of it is just normal teenage stuff. One book I read (called Yes, your teen is crazy), says that when you tell a teenager to do something, it does really go in one ear and out the other, and it's not really on purpose, it's more like it's not the kids' priority, so they really do forget about it. You could have basic rules, like you can't go to your friend's house until your room is clean, or something, but you do have to get your BF to be the one to make and enforce these rules so you don't come off as the wicked stepmother. It's not fair to leave it all up to you.