New here and NEED HELP W 15yo DS
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| Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:50am |
I am new to this board but a regular at the August Expecting Club so I know I will find great advice here. I have 3 kids, DS 15 (16 in Dec) DS 4 and DD 7weeks. I am about to loose it with my DS 15 he is so defiant, disrespectful and refuses to do what we ask. We are not asking him to do a lot either. I can't get him to pick up or show any responsibility. I have to ask him each day to do his chores,and wear his retainer and do his homework!! I don't know what to do. I have grounded him, taken privileges away and taken things away. He seems to not care at all. The catch to all this is he is an A-B student in AP classes?? He is 4 meritt badges and a project away from his Eagle Scout Award and I can't figure out why I can't get him to work at home! I have been asking him to get a job to help pay for his car insurance since his father and I have already bought him a car and he seems to assume that his grandparents will bail him out when the time comes and his dad and I won't have that! He doesn't believe me when I tell him he doesn't get his DL until he can pay for his insurance. My husband is a strict disciplinarian (sp) and I try to cushion some of that but he can't seem to understand if he would just do the little things we ask it would not be a big deal! We are at a loss what can we do???TIA
SMC

Well, my DS 16 is rarely a slacker, but the few times he was/is, I usually quote the Scout law at him: "A Scout is obedient," "a Scout is courtesy," "a Scout is trustworthy," etc. It gets his goat, but it also usually gets his attention enough that he pulls his act together and does what he knows he is supposed to do.
Maybe he feels that he's working hard with his schoolwork and Scouting and just wants to kick back at home. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. You've got your hands full with a preschooler and a new baby, and he needs to pitch in. Sure, it's "not fair," but life isn't fair.
Hope this helps a little.
Elizabeth J
That last post should say "courteous," not courtesy. Oh well.
Elizabeth
He sounds like a fairly normal, even above average teen to me.
As far as the car goes, I would just not mention it again, then when he says "why can't I get my license?" you can say "don't you remember that I asked you to get a job to pay for insurance?" BTW, my DD, who is now 18, had to pay for her own gas & ins. (grandma gave her a car) and even though that was the deal she agree to, still complained every month when the bill came. She also had to be constantly nagged into doing anything around the house and she was an A student in the top 10% of her class. It's just not their priority. I would be happier that he is doing well in school. A book I read said that it's not that teenagers are deliberatly not doing whatever chore is asked, it's that since it's not important to them, whatever you say goes right out of their brain and they just forget. I resorted to writing down whatever I wanted her to do on the message board in the kitchen. It saved a lot of nagging.
BTW, my cousin told me that her son was ready to go to college and hadn't completed his Eagle Scout project and the only way they could get him to finish it was because he wanted to go to a concert and they told him he couldn't go unless his project was completed.
I also wonder if you spend a lot of time w/ your little one and talking about the baby and he could be looking for some attention.
Two suggestions that worked for me
1-make a spreadsheet with what he is expected to do. Shush up and stop nagging and reminding. He needs to check the tasks on the spreadsheet. You can leave it at that or come up with positive reward like 80% accomplished and he gets to choose dinner next Wed or <80% and he cant use the for a weekend)
No "it's almost 10 and you still haven't and remember we said if you didn't...." He knows-let the spreadsheet and the prearranged consequences do the work
2-let him choose the details. When they were little, one could say "empty the garbage NOW" and hover. That backfires with my teens. I say 'the garbage needs to go out; be sure it's done by 6 tonight(I give several hours)"
This really works with mine-its 5:55, of course, but it gets done.
They need to have some say and not feel 'controlled'
And it isnt 'instant'. He may muff up for a few weeks and you quietly deal with it and run off the next spreadsheet
The car? You have it already-its likely plated and insured. How likely are you to put an ad in the paper the first week he doesnt cough up the insurance?
Again, stick to your guns, make sure GM and GF support you but be quiet and let it play out.
We've all given in to our kids. If it's 1 out of a 100, WE remember the 99 we stood firm; they remember the one time we caved; and hope springs eternal
He sounds like a good kid-he will do the right thing-just give him some room to make choices
Thanks, I will give that a try. Yes we bought the car and are carrying the insurance right now. We got a good deal so we went ahead with it. I am not planning on selling it but certainly not opposed to it either. I already told him if he didn't have the money or the responsibility that he wouldn't get the license b/c then the insurance goes up. Right now its not too bad. Anyway I will try the spreadsheet. Thanks so much for the great suggestions.
SMC
You might change up your tactics a bit and instead of dwelling on what he isn't doing, compliment him on what he is doing. I regularly tell my kid how much I respect him for the positive things he is doing in his life. He already knows where he is in need of improvement and does a better job of beating himself up than I could (or would) ever do.
I wrote a expanded piece on this on my blog: http://blog.theparentscoach.com/ It is called "Being Proud vs. Having Respect"
Jason
My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com &nbs
As a parent to a Life Scout who is 16...almost 17 who has quit working on his Eagle I know how you feel.