New here need some advise
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| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:43am |
Hi,
I am a mother to 2 girls. One is 12 the other is 5. Our 12yo is in 7th grade. She is going through all the hormonal and developmental stages right now which we are trying to get use to the mood swings. She does pretty well in school and seems to have a good group of friends.
Our problem with her lately is the fact that my dh and I can not be alone in a room or in the basement without her thinking that we are going to have sex. If my dh hugs me or sits next to me she cops and attitude and is very hard to deal with. She gets so upset to the point of crying. Is this normal behavior for some kids? She was our first so we are still learning about this emotional stuff. I am just not sure how to deal with it and I don't want to say the worng thing and scar her even more. My dh and I were in the basement last night and were talking about a pretty serious subject and come to find out she was listening in on the conversation, worried that we might have sex. Help, I just don't know what to do.
Thanks in advance.

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Yes we have asked her. Her response was that it is gross and she doesn't want to think of us doing that. These reactions of hers come and go. I just wonder if I should make an appointment with our family doctor so that she can talk out her concerns. That way she does not have to tell us if she does not want to. I am just at a loss. Thank you for your reply.
KT
Strange, most kids at that age can not bring themselves to admit that their parents are sexual beings. It's too gross to even think about. They might know "intellectually" that their parents have had sex but they just don't want to go there.
It concerns me that she is "worried" that you are having sex as if there is something wrong with that.
Have you discussed this with your family doctor? Sorry,to say this, but has something happened recently that has caused her to connect simple shows of affection with sex? Has her friends "grossed" her out with their "chatting" about sex (normal,of course). I remember when I was about that age or younger, a girl friend told me that, to keep a baby growing, you had to keep having sex. Naturally, I was grossed off. I couldn't look an adult in the eye for weeks afterwards.
I would go and have a talk with your family doctor. He/she might have some suggestions to deal with this.
I would also have a "mother and daughter" chat. Make sure that she is clear about sex (the details). But also more importantly talk to her about the difference between showing affection and sex. This is very, very important. People who care about each other are affectionate. You hug "grandpa" and "grandma", don't you? I would also make it clear that the relationship between a married couple is private,private even from their children. It is normal for a married couple to express their love in a sexual manner but that is between the couple. It has nothing to do with the kids and none of their business. And there is nothing wrong or dirty with that. God created us and he created sex. She came into being because you and her father love each other. She was created out of your love and she is a precious gift as is her little sib.
At 12, she is old enough to understand that and respect her parents' right to privacy. It is none of her business when and if you have sex. But also impress on her that responsible married adults (as you are) do not have sex at inappropriate places,at inappropriate times. (i.e. in the basement with kids in the house who can walk in unannouced).
Try to find out why she is obsessed with your sex life? Why is she worried about it? Perhaps your family doctor can help your there,especially if she will not talk to you about it.
Good luck Mom.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Thank you for our reply. I think I will call our family doctor. We have a woman doctor. And I will try to sit down with her (not making it confrontational) but have a heart to heart with her and try to find out the reason for this. Boy this is so difficult. Thank you again.
KT
My dd went thro this. For her it was just a phase and it was more about the fact that she thought I would become pregnant if we had sex!!! She is and wants to remain the only girl. That was one phase. Another phase was if dh kidded around about another women she would totally flip out, even the victorias secret commercial would get her dander up. We've explained to her about pregnancy and birth control and we've had long talks about the security of our marriage and that intimacy in marriage is important. We pointed out the divorce rate and other things and she has accepted us as a couple in addition to being mom and dad now. She is 13 now and if we kiss or hug she says things like " get a room" and laughs about it now but for a couple yrs she was not laughing it was a big deal. Each child is different and I notice some posters think its abnormal so I had to post that Ive been thro it too.
I personally think it may be a phase shes going thro but again each child is different so getting to the root of it is a good idea.
T
Terry
Thanks so much for your reply. She also gets upset about my dh talking about other women (on TV) or looking at certain magazines. She would tell me that daddy was looking at this or daddy said that. And I would just say well he is married to me and I don't have a problem with that. I do hope that this is just a phase and it goes away. But I will sit her down sometime when it is just the two of us and try to get to the bottom of it. Thank you for the encouragement.
KT
I may be completely off-base here, but something about her associating sex with negativity kind of sets off warning bells in my head. I'd have to wonder WHY she's so negative at the thought of it. Perhaps one of her friends (or even HER) has had a negative experience (ie, date rape, unwanted touching, etc) that had made it so bad in her mind? I hope I'm wrong, but it might be something to try and gently bring into a conversation with her and watch her reactions to....
Denise
HI and welcome to this board. I have 2 DD's - 18 & 24. I don't recall either one of them worrying about this. One would just giggle if DH and I were affectionate and the other gave us the whole eye rolling thing.
I must admit that I had the same concerns as Denise, that maybe something negative has caused her to react this way. Is it possible that she did actually see or hear you guys having sex? I know one Sat a.m. DH and I thought both kids were at friends houses but oldest DD came home early. The computer is in the room across the hall from ours. I didn't even know she was in the house until I got out of bed and heard her pecking away on the computer. She had to have heard. She was in her early 20s at the time so I really didn't worry too much about it. I figured if it bothered her - she could have gone upstairs. Neither one of us ever mentioned it. But at 13, the reaction might be totally different.
I'm also assuming that you've had all the age appropriate discussions about sex with her but please keep in mind that these discussions have to continue throughout adolescence. Just talking about pregnancy, STD's, etc isn't nearly enough. They need to understand all the emotional consequences/benefits to the relationships. They need to understand clearly any religious beliefs about sex. It's an ongoing thing. I still talk with my 24 y/o about her choice to remain a virgin - she calls me after a weekend away with her b/f to be reminded of why she made that choice. I also still talk with my 18 y/o even though she isn't a virgin anymore. I also agree with the posters that suggest you talk to her about how sex inside marriage can strengthen a relationship, how it is an act of love, etc.
I would most definitely talk with her about the eavesdropping. She needs to understand that this is not acceptable and that parents have adult things that they to discuss and that privacy should be respected.
Good Luck and let us know how this turns out.
Lia
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