New Here w/ Problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
New Here w/ Problems
16
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 9:33am

Hi all! I am so happy to have found this board. I have some problems that I hope I can get some insight and advice on.

Here is some history. I have 2 DDs - 12 & 16. It's the 16 I am concerned with at the moment. She is a good girl who does just okay in school, but could do much better if she tried/cared. She wants to go to college, but isn't taking the initiative at this point. We'll see what happens as her senior year will start in September.

She had a steady boyfriend who was a year older than her. They went out for almost 2 years. The breakup was mutual, happy, and they are still good friends. She has had a couple of short-term boyfriends since then - nothing serious.

Last year she started making some bad choices that cause me to no longer trust her. We don't communicate because she thinks I am judgemental (in my eyes, I am just concerned for her happiness and safety). Things like not being where she says she is, sneaking out of the house, crashing at someones house when I think she is someplace else.... I monitor emails, IMs, and can get into Myspace to learn as much as I can. I am not happy about the things I find out!

She has a group of girlfriends who are basically good girls too. The problem is she and her girlfriends are 'party girls'! They love to drink and get drunk (no drugs, to my knowledge). DH and I figured that this mainly happens on nights when we allow her to 'sleepover' someone's house, so we no longer allow that. I know that doesn't mean the drinking will stop, but it is a step in the right direction. It seemed that each time we would give her some freedom, she messes up again. DH and I recently made it clear to her that she is risking everything and that she is often putting herself in danger. We decided that we have to try to trust her and let her do things, but if she messes up again she risks getting a car (which will be happening within the next month) and the possiblity of going away to college.

Recently I read something very troubling on Myspace. There was an incident where DD got drunk, lost control and has no memory of the night. Someone told her that she was kissing several guys (and a girl) and that she had sex with a guy. I confronted DD about this. She said that most was true, but that she found out that it was a rumor that she and the boy had sex. The boy told her it wasn't true. She also admitted to having sex with her old, steady boyfriend. Somthing I didn't know. We talked about the dangers of drinking, blacking out, date rape, STDs, teen pregnancy, trust....everything. I usually tell DH everything, but cannot tell him any on THIS! DD and I made a 'deal' that I wouldn't tell, but she had to go to counseling, go to a gynecologist, and learn to turn herself around or I would tell DH and there would be no car and no college in her future. I guess this is a threat....was it the right thing to do?

On the tails of all this, we allowed DD to go to the beach with some girlfriends for the weekend - to show her that we trust her and so that she can demonstrate that she should be trusted. I HATE the fact that "WE" allowed her to do this, when I am holding this information back from DH. I reminded DD what is at risk if she screws up this weekend.

Can someone tell me if I am doing the right thing or what I should be doing? I am sick to my stomach and have NO ONE I can confide in about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 10:08am
Well I have a 16 ds who wants to go to a college over night tonight which is about 40 mintues away. Yeah Right!
She will probably party, but she will be OK. I can handle the drinking, most all
kids try it, but our school district had crack going around!!!
Hey at least she was honest with you and admitted things.... hang in there!
This having kids is way to much worry and stress if you ask me!
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 1:03pm
It is pretty normal for teens to try binge drinking, but it is really dangerous. My DD's friend ended up at the ER a couple months ago from alcohol poisoning! This drinking into oblivion is troubling because it's often the girls who suffer. Their bodies can't handle as much as a guy, not to mention the risk of date rape, unplanned pregnancy, and let me tell you.... STD's are rampant. I tend to like your approach with your DD though. You are trying to keep that trust. By not telling DH you are sort of rewarding her. But let her know that if things keep snowballing you will discuss it with him. Maybe she won't get so wild again. Keep your fingers crossed. There is social drinking and then there is the binge drinking. The latter has gotten out of control in many communities with teens. We don't want them building up their tolerance and becoming alcoholics, which they are very susceptible to when they drink while their brain is still developing.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 1:29pm

First off hugs to you - parenting teens is a challenge, and you've got alot going on.

BUT, I have to disagree with the other posters and with you. I don't think that binge drinking is just something kids do OR that it should be accepted and brushed off. IMHO, a girl who drinks to the point of forgetting what she's done needs serious counseling. Actually, I think all three of you would benefit from family counseling - you and your DH could get help in how to set and keep limits (not the same as just punishing bad behavior) and your DD might get some help in self-image and self-control.

I understand that you want to give DD some trust and room - but going away for the weekend, after she's demonstrated that she will drink to excess, make out with multiple boys in one evening, and probably sleep with at least one of them....? That wouldn't be my choice. A little room to show trust would be more like an evening at a friend's house with demonstration that they stayed sober and safe. THEN maybe a one-night sleepover.

Instead of threatening "no car" or "no college", why don't you say "If you have 6 months of sobriety, we'll help you get the car. Another six months of no incidents, we'll talk about college" These are privileges that she can learn to earn.

Sue

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 2:51pm

I agree with this post that allowing your dd to go away for the weekend after you learned about the drinking/make-out/sex incident wouldn't be my choice either. You are trusting her to do the right thing but how will you know? Maybe she will just learn not to post the wild stuff on her Myspace, or to be a better liar. I would increase her freedoms little by little as she shows that she can be trusted. I think that we have a responsibility as parents to protect our kids from themselves when necessary. BTW I agree with stopping the sleepovers. That was always a prime opportunity for my dd to do stuff that she couldn't get away with at home, as many parents don't seem to supervise much when there is a sleepover.

I'm also not so sure that keeping the info from her dad is a great idea. You know your husband, maybe he will go totally ballastic, but I could see it creating a lack of trust between you and him. What if *he* found about this and decided not to tell you? How would you feel when you finally found out? Would you wonder what else he had kept from you, regarding your kids or anything else in your marriage? What else your dd might have done that he decided you didn't need to know about? I would be hurt and angry and feel that I had been lied to by omission. I have kept a few things from my dh for a short time when the added stress would cause him a burden or until there was time for him and I to have a long discussion, but I did tell him as soon as I felt that he could deal with it.

I can understand why you are talking about withholding a car based on your dd's behavior but why college? I guess I see a college education based on the desire to further one's education and the grades necessary to get accepted into a college. I don't see it as a reward for good behavior, or withholding it as a punishment for bad behavior. I do understand that a parent might feel more inclined to part with large sums of money for a kid that has been behaving in a way pleasing to the parent! I think that I would encourage her to be thinking forward to college, maybe having something loftier to think about than the next opportunity to party would be good for her. (not that smart/college bound students don't party: the valedictorian of my dd's class studied hard 6 nights a week but on Saturday nights she made up for it). To be honest, sending your 18yo away to college can be easier on the parent than having them livng at home where you can't help but see all of that 18yo behavior!

I know that its not easy, good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 9:44am

For those who think I shouldn't be 'hiding' this from DH, we recently decided that there are some things that DD and I should be able to keep between us. This way she may be more apt to talk to me and less apt to sneak around. She needs to know that there is someone she can go to (me) to confide in. DH is okay with this. Of course, this was decided before the incident I am so upset about.

So, this being the case, I sent her away for the weekend.....and also why I am so nervous about it. I threatened her with not getting a car and not going away to college and giving up her trust if she gets into trouble while away. On the heels on 'the incident' I felt this threat was warranted.

We are in no hurry to get her a car, but are actively researching our options. This could take quite a while and she will know under no uncertain terms that if she doesn't 'calm her behaviour down', I will not work any harder on getting a car for her.

I am not really threatening "no college". I am telling her that going away to college is something that is for mature, responsible kids who know how to make good choices and who are not going to get caught up in drinking, drugs and sex and then fail out. Her behaviour this year will determine if she is responsible enough for 'sleep away' college, or if she will go to community college. In all honesty...I WANT her to go away. I just hope she can demonstrate some resonsible behaviour and show me some enthusiasm and motivation to that end.




Edited 8/6/2006 9:46 am ET by mommy2girlies
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:48pm

It sure can be tough raising teens, can't it??

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 1:22pm

Woudl you and DH have made the decision you did if you had foreseen this exact scenario?

I seriously doubt he would have agreed to the weekend away of he knew the whole truth. So, even if you wanted to stop her, how do you present a united front? He is bound to think you are being harsh!

While Im sure you had her best interest at heart when you made that decision, my advice would be to rethink it in light of new information.

He may not need to know every time she gets yet another pair of sandals...but this is big!

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 2:08pm
I don't know what your DH is like, but if he is like my DH... sometimes I just know it is better to handle things myself. My DH tends to really overreact and make all involved feel like crap. I don't think that helps. I will however give him credit for sticking to his guns when consequences need to be handed down. Regarding this weekend away.... okay so you may be second-guessing your decision now. But it can't be changed now. I know how kids can weasle their way into getting what they want. I'm guessing that's what happened, and you didn't want her to miss out when "everyone else gets to go." BTDT with some regrets. Be prepared, though, that if you do discover that she was acting inappropriately (check the Myspace), you need to have a heart-to-heart discussion without revealing your sources of finding out. Maybe something like, "I heard so-and-so was being a little wild over the weekend. I hope you didn't do something like that." Then comes the opportune time for discussing the dangers of casual sex and REALLY...Not everyone does it. She shouldn't get so drunk she loses good judgement. I still stand by my comment that there is social drinking and binge drinking... many teens drink. Some don't, but alot of them do. My DS (15) doesn't care to, but DD (17)does. We have had many discussions; my hope is that things don't go overboard, cuz she's not gonna stop socializing in this way. My mom told me.. "Behave... if you can't behave, be safe!" I do hand down consequences if things go overboard. I would also curtail the places your DD goes with those party girlfriends. They certainly shouldn't be doing it every weekend. That's overboard and putting her at risk for addiction. It's hard dealing with this and I know you will worry. I think it is our full-time job at this stage of life.
:/
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 6:57pm

Thank you for your response. In a way, I agree with what you are saying. I might be able to tell DH about the binge drinking, but, I just don't have it in me to tell him about the sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 7:09pm

Thanks to all for the responses.

Yes, I agree that maybe this is information DH should have had, but the sex part I am not sure I can ever tell him, nor do I think he really ever needs to 'know' this kind of stuff about DD. The drinking is another story.

One of the reasons I let her go is that her birthday is this weekend. This group of girls usually makes a big deal out of each other's birthdays. If she were left home alone, she would be sitting home with no friends. I thought of and suggested several things we could do as a family, but you know how they are and that they usually prefer friends over family. So, I let her go.....with the threats and with the promise that she would restore our trust in her. So far, everything 'sounds' ok, but I'll see what they all say on Myspace. Actually, I just talked to her a minute ago and she sounds bored!! Today is her birthday, and although she was with friends, it turns out that they didn't do anything special for her ;-( I guess that would have taken some planning ahead on their part.

So, as of now, counseling is scheduled, I will make the gynecologist appointment, the car is on hold until she can consistently stay out of trouble, and she has to prove herself academically to have the priviledge of going away to college (or go to community college and work). Does this sound okay?

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