New Here w/ Problems
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| Sat, 08-05-2006 - 9:33am |
Hi all! I am so happy to have found this board. I have some problems that I hope I can get some insight and advice on.
Here is some history. I have 2 DDs - 12 & 16. It's the 16 I am concerned with at the moment. She is a good girl who does just okay in school, but could do much better if she tried/cared. She wants to go to college, but isn't taking the initiative at this point. We'll see what happens as her senior year will start in September.
She had a steady boyfriend who was a year older than her. They went out for almost 2 years. The breakup was mutual, happy, and they are still good friends. She has had a couple of short-term boyfriends since then - nothing serious.
Last year she started making some bad choices that cause me to no longer trust her. We don't communicate because she thinks I am judgemental (in my eyes, I am just concerned for her happiness and safety). Things like not being where she says she is, sneaking out of the house, crashing at someones house when I think she is someplace else.... I monitor emails, IMs, and can get into Myspace to learn as much as I can. I am not happy about the things I find out!
She has a group of girlfriends who are basically good girls too. The problem is she and her girlfriends are 'party girls'! They love to drink and get drunk (no drugs, to my knowledge). DH and I figured that this mainly happens on nights when we allow her to 'sleepover' someone's house, so we no longer allow that. I know that doesn't mean the drinking will stop, but it is a step in the right direction. It seemed that each time we would give her some freedom, she messes up again. DH and I recently made it clear to her that she is risking everything and that she is often putting herself in danger. We decided that we have to try to trust her and let her do things, but if she messes up again she risks getting a car (which will be happening within the next month) and the possiblity of going away to college.
Recently I read something very troubling on Myspace. There was an incident where DD got drunk, lost control and has no memory of the night. Someone told her that she was kissing several guys (and a girl) and that she had sex with a guy. I confronted DD about this. She said that most was true, but that she found out that it was a rumor that she and the boy had sex. The boy told her it wasn't true. She also admitted to having sex with her old, steady boyfriend. Somthing I didn't know. We talked about the dangers of drinking, blacking out, date rape, STDs, teen pregnancy, trust....everything. I usually tell DH everything, but cannot tell him any on THIS! DD and I made a 'deal' that I wouldn't tell, but she had to go to counseling, go to a gynecologist, and learn to turn herself around or I would tell DH and there would be no car and no college in her future. I guess this is a threat....was it the right thing to do?
On the tails of all this, we allowed DD to go to the beach with some girlfriends for the weekend - to show her that we trust her and so that she can demonstrate that she should be trusted. I HATE the fact that "WE" allowed her to do this, when I am holding this information back from DH. I reminded DD what is at risk if she screws up this weekend.
Can someone tell me if I am doing the right thing or what I should be doing? I am sick to my stomach and have NO ONE I can confide in about this.

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Deb
My DD is the same age as yours: The oldest of two, 17, and starting her senior year.
Maybe you've posted your story here before, but would you mind sharing? I'm curious to know what other kids are up to and the consequences you mentioned.
As I said in an earlier post: I really have no one to turn to and none of my friends or family have kids this age.
Deb
I agree to your withholding information about her sexual escapades from her father. IMO, he doesn't want to know. I would do the same if I were in your shoes. However, you need to tell him about the binge drinking. You've put yourself in a very difficult position: either risk telling him and she stops talking to you, or risk your marriage. I'm glad you made her agree to counseling. It does sound like her drinking is out of control. I certainly did my share of drinking as a young adult, but I never lost memory. To me, that is a red flag, and very frightening. I hope you keep on top of it. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing! It's nice to know I am not alone!!
DDs recent boyfriend was bad news too! He was the kind of kid that can't look you in the eye. She had sneaked around to see him and lied about him. It turned out he quit school early in the year last year and never graduated. I found this out and she said she couldn't tell me because of how 'judgemental' I am. True. This is a girl who needs motivation; not someone to bring her down. Nonetheless, I gave him a chance... figured I didn't know the circumstances...a child of divorce... who know why he dropped out...going to get GED....a pretty hard thing to do....let's give him a chance. This ended in more sneaking around so we forbade her from seeing him. We second guessed ourselves on this, realizing that this may bring them closer. Long story short: she told me today we were right!!! WOOHOO!! She said he treated her badly - called her fat and stupid (she is neither). She also said we should never forbid her from seeing someone again. My response was "as long as you make smart choices, we don't have to!!"
Good news today!
Hi -- welcome to the board.
I have 3 daughters -- ages 20, 19 & 16. My 16 year old is also dealing me fits right now. She hangs out with people that she knows I don't approve of -- I think she does it just because she knows it pisses me off.
I am also glad to know that I am not the only on the checks out MySpace to see what is going on with the kids my DD knows/hangs out with. I have found out several things by doing that, that my DD hasn't even mentioned -- not about her but about people she goes to school with and has hung out with at one time or another.
I know that she will get past this phase in her life (being rebellious) however, I just hope she doesn't make a bad choice that messes up her life before then. She is very angry at her dad because he turned out not to be the great and wonderful person she always made him out to be. So she takes her anger out on everyone.
I can sympathize with you on not telling your DH about what you found out. I assume from reading that your DH is your DD's natural father. Well, even so, it is very hard for dad's to deal with the fact that their daughters are having sex. Not to say that we as mother's don't have a hard time with it, I think we just deal with it differently.
Not sure this helps or not but I hope so.
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