New Here w/ Problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
New Here w/ Problems
16
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 9:33am

Hi all! I am so happy to have found this board. I have some problems that I hope I can get some insight and advice on.

Here is some history. I have 2 DDs - 12 & 16. It's the 16 I am concerned with at the moment. She is a good girl who does just okay in school, but could do much better if she tried/cared. She wants to go to college, but isn't taking the initiative at this point. We'll see what happens as her senior year will start in September.

She had a steady boyfriend who was a year older than her. They went out for almost 2 years. The breakup was mutual, happy, and they are still good friends. She has had a couple of short-term boyfriends since then - nothing serious.

Last year she started making some bad choices that cause me to no longer trust her. We don't communicate because she thinks I am judgemental (in my eyes, I am just concerned for her happiness and safety). Things like not being where she says she is, sneaking out of the house, crashing at someones house when I think she is someplace else.... I monitor emails, IMs, and can get into Myspace to learn as much as I can. I am not happy about the things I find out!

She has a group of girlfriends who are basically good girls too. The problem is she and her girlfriends are 'party girls'! They love to drink and get drunk (no drugs, to my knowledge). DH and I figured that this mainly happens on nights when we allow her to 'sleepover' someone's house, so we no longer allow that. I know that doesn't mean the drinking will stop, but it is a step in the right direction. It seemed that each time we would give her some freedom, she messes up again. DH and I recently made it clear to her that she is risking everything and that she is often putting herself in danger. We decided that we have to try to trust her and let her do things, but if she messes up again she risks getting a car (which will be happening within the next month) and the possiblity of going away to college.

Recently I read something very troubling on Myspace. There was an incident where DD got drunk, lost control and has no memory of the night. Someone told her that she was kissing several guys (and a girl) and that she had sex with a guy. I confronted DD about this. She said that most was true, but that she found out that it was a rumor that she and the boy had sex. The boy told her it wasn't true. She also admitted to having sex with her old, steady boyfriend. Somthing I didn't know. We talked about the dangers of drinking, blacking out, date rape, STDs, teen pregnancy, trust....everything. I usually tell DH everything, but cannot tell him any on THIS! DD and I made a 'deal' that I wouldn't tell, but she had to go to counseling, go to a gynecologist, and learn to turn herself around or I would tell DH and there would be no car and no college in her future. I guess this is a threat....was it the right thing to do?

On the tails of all this, we allowed DD to go to the beach with some girlfriends for the weekend - to show her that we trust her and so that she can demonstrate that she should be trusted. I HATE the fact that "WE" allowed her to do this, when I am holding this information back from DH. I reminded DD what is at risk if she screws up this weekend.

Can someone tell me if I am doing the right thing or what I should be doing? I am sick to my stomach and have NO ONE I can confide in about this.

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Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:57pm
Yes it does sound okay. She knows you don't approve of some of her behavior; she will probably keep trying, but stay on her. Otherwise... trust me things will get out of control. I wish I could go back a year and handle things differently. Now that DD is 17 and entering her Senior year... after all that we've been through... she is suffering some strict consequences. I really was blindsided. With her being the oldest, I had no idea how to handle some things. This board is immensely helpful. Best wishes to you and brace yourself. There are some times when teens really dislike their parents when we don't let them do just anything they want. But that wouldn't be parenting now would it? I know several parents who turn the other way and let their kids do whatever they want. After a couple years of that, they are totally on the wrong track. As hard as it is, we are supposed to try to raise them to be productive and nice young men and women. So many that have no boundaries simply grow into disrespectful adults with no morals. Given that you were concerned about your DD, you probably don't want that for your her. And it's probably good to tell DH about the drinking (up to you about the sex). In the future it will be far better to put down your foot (feet?) on a united front. It works better if you are both on the same page.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 9:04pm
Deb,
My DD is the same age as yours: The oldest of two, 17, and starting her senior year.
Maybe you've posted your story here before, but would you mind sharing? I'm curious to know what other kids are up to and the consequences you mentioned.
As I said in an earlier post: I really have no one to turn to and none of my friends or family have kids this age.
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 9:14am
With my DD in the past year, we had a big problem with her choice of a BF... ughh.. I hate to even type the info out because it's painful to think about it again. It all boils down to her emotional immaturity and poor judgement I guess. She was so attached to this guy that was so bad for her. She was with him for 8-10 months... he was such a bad influence. He turned her against us and said she didn't have to listen to us... that she could do whatever she wanted to do. She constantly blew off curfew, drank and drove with no seatbelts, let him drive her car really fast out on country roads, he kept her from doing things with her friends because he was controlling, he talked her into blowing off dance and swimming practices, he rarely worked and spent all her money. Oh, that's only a small portion of the problems. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to her... cheated on her left and right which gave her an STD. She refused to listen to anybody, including her brother and us and her friends because she was convinced that he loved her (after all, he SAID he did... in her eyes that was grounds for getting married). It was back and forth all the time. She kept saying she wanted to make her own decisions about who to date, so we'd let things go for awhile praying that she'd see the light and dump this guy. Anytime we said anything it caused her to hang onto him all the tighter. Things got pretty bad... he treated her so badly; called her terrible names, degraded her in front of people and stood her up all the time, including her junior prom. Finally she dumped him. What a relief. Things became much better. She was happy, having fun, meeting new people, DOING things instead of sitting on the couch with him day after day. Last week we found out she had seen him somewhere and sort of fell in love with him again. :-( (???) We had taken her phone away as a consequence for something else. I checked messages and they were texting each other every day again. Here he was saying he love her. Ugh! My heart sank. I told DH and he was a little miffed at me for snooping. I told him I had my suspicions and that was the only reason I snooped. He called the old BF and in no uncertain terms told him that if he contacts DD anymore he will have a restraining order put on him and that HE will deal with him personally and that BF would WISH he were only dealing with the police. The BF said, "Fine with me; I don't care about her anyway." (he's a real class-act). DH said "Good then that's the last she'll hear from you. I'm glad we understand each other." He also talked to DD about whether she still loved him. She said she did. He said "Some people love cocaine or alcohol. But it's not GOOD for them." High-five to DH. I think she understood. The poor judgement on her part is what really got to us and the fact that she thought it was okay for a guy to treat her that way. I still don't know if she is over him. At this point we are just trying to not allow situations where she will see him again. He is 19 and moved 90 miles away and is partying it up and not working. Coincidently, he lives in the same city she is planning to go to college next year! I am praying that his roommates kick him out and he ends up back here before then. Also, DD and I will be touring some more campuses... maybe she'll change her mind. After this old BF she dated a guy known to do a lot of drugs and drink alot. She went to some all-night parties and said she stayed a friend's. I checked a few messages that talked about binge drinking. So now here we are... when she blows curfew... she gets an earlier curfew the next time. When she gets caught smoking weed, she gets grounded and phone yanked, etc. She HAS to learn that she can't just do whatever she wants; the fact is, she is still a minor and still under our guidance and supervision. She has had three traffic tickets and will now lose her license. There are rules in the world and things go better if we just follow them. This got long... and it's only a partial picture, but hope it helps you understand that some kids will just push the envelope. Good luck with your party girl. Keep praying.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 5:12pm

I agree to your withholding information about her sexual escapades from her father. IMO, he doesn't want to know. I would do the same if I were in your shoes. However, you need to tell him about the binge drinking. You've put yourself in a very difficult position: either risk telling him and she stops talking to you, or risk your marriage. I'm glad you made her agree to counseling. It does sound like her drinking is out of control. I certainly did my share of drinking as a young adult, but I never lost memory. To me, that is a red flag, and very frightening. I hope you keep on top of it. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 8:57pm

Thanks for sharing! It's nice to know I am not alone!!

DDs recent boyfriend was bad news too! He was the kind of kid that can't look you in the eye. She had sneaked around to see him and lied about him. It turned out he quit school early in the year last year and never graduated. I found this out and she said she couldn't tell me because of how 'judgemental' I am. True. This is a girl who needs motivation; not someone to bring her down. Nonetheless, I gave him a chance... figured I didn't know the circumstances...a child of divorce... who know why he dropped out...going to get GED....a pretty hard thing to do....let's give him a chance. This ended in more sneaking around so we forbade her from seeing him. We second guessed ourselves on this, realizing that this may bring them closer. Long story short: she told me today we were right!!! WOOHOO!! She said he treated her badly - called her fat and stupid (she is neither). She also said we should never forbid her from seeing someone again. My response was "as long as you make smart choices, we don't have to!!"

Good news today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:36pm

Hi -- welcome to the board.

I have 3 daughters -- ages 20, 19 & 16. My 16 year old is also dealing me fits right now. She hangs out with people that she knows I don't approve of -- I think she does it just because she knows it pisses me off.

I am also glad to know that I am not the only on the checks out MySpace to see what is going on with the kids my DD knows/hangs out with. I have found out several things by doing that, that my DD hasn't even mentioned -- not about her but about people she goes to school with and has hung out with at one time or another.

I know that she will get past this phase in her life (being rebellious) however, I just hope she doesn't make a bad choice that messes up her life before then. She is very angry at her dad because he turned out not to be the great and wonderful person she always made him out to be. So she takes her anger out on everyone.

I can sympathize with you on not telling your DH about what you found out. I assume from reading that your DH is your DD's natural father. Well, even so, it is very hard for dad's to deal with the fact that their daughters are having sex. Not to say that we as mother's don't have a hard time with it, I think we just deal with it differently.

Not sure this helps or not but I hope so.

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