new here.13yo dd driving me nuts! (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
new here.13yo dd driving me nuts! (long)
2
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 3:07pm

hello everyone. i'm not new to ivillage but i am new to this board and am very glad that i found it. the short version of my story is that i had my daughter when i was 13 years old ,product of date rape, family very religious doesn't believe in abortion and once i saw her couldn't give her up for adoption to my cousin. anyway, my mom was very supportive and helped me to raise my daughter. when it was time to go to college, my mom allowed me to lave home while she raised my daughter. when i came home from college, the relationship between my daughter and i was different. i understand that. i've been home now for 4 years and we've been working on our relationship since. i'm now 27v and my daughter is 13 and she has absolutely no respect for me!!!! i've gotten married and we moved to another town 2 hours from where we lived. i initially gave my daughter the option of staying with my mother since she has been with her most of her life and didn't want to leave and i would get her on the weekends. that didn't work out because she was skipping school. so now she lives with me. this child will curse me, fight me, try to runaway, any and everything!!! then she comes back the next day aplogizing like nothing has happened! we have had the police involved, she was put on probation. her grades are horrendous. her teachers and i both know that she is very smart and can do the work, she just doesn't because she doesn't want to be here and is getting back at me for making hr be here. the latest to the story is that she snuck a little boy in her window while i was in my roon asleep!!! that is the ultimate sign of disrespect to me!!! she expects to be punished, but expects to have some say in the punishment!!!!! i part of me wants to give up and let her go back with my mom like she wants but i don't really want her to leave and i especially don't want her to feel like i'm throwing her away. please please please any suggestions!!!!!! HELP!!!!!

quichael

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:03pm

It sounds like both you and your DD have alot to deal with. Have you tried family counseling? You, your DH, and your DD may need some support for a while, until you're on firmer ground. What does your DD like to do? Are there ways to get her connected with other kids, positive activities? What motivates her? Maybe you could make a deal that if she gets her grades up, you'll pay for a vacation visit to grandma. You don't say why you moved 2 hours away, but I'm sure that was hard for her - maybe a chance to visit would be a treat.

This is a hard question, but does she know the circumstances of how you got pregnant? Maybe she thinks "you got pregnant at 13, what's the big deal if I do too"

Finally, you say your daughter has no respect for you, but respect is earned - it's not a given. From her perspective, you were gone from 4-8 years old and then jumped back in as "Mom" - but you can see why that would be hard for her to accept.

Finally, driving parents nuts is part of what teenagers do - as you work through this, try to separate out what is "regular" teen stuff and what is really troublesome.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 6:34am

Sue gave some good advice, but one thing I'd like to throw in too.... does your DD feel like you really want her there, or are you so wrapped up in your new husband that she feels like the 3rd wheel?