New Here...problem with DD
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| Tue, 01-31-2006 - 1:50pm |
I am a 44 yo single father of two, 13/DD and 10/DS. My Ex, who lives close by, is pretty much a nutcase.
My DD suffered quite a bit during the divorce. She is emotionally fragile, doesn't seem to be able to keep her friendships working. Has anxiety issues, problems staying in school all day, that sort of thing. My DD maintains zero contact with her mother (my Ex).
I noticed 3 or 4 scratches on her forearm last evening. I asked how she got them, she said she didn't know. A few hours later she admitted that she did them with a pair of scissors! When I asked her why, she didn't have an answer, at least not one she was willing to give me.
I'm in a panic. I want to help my daughter. I've called her counselor, waiting for a call back.
I know that the Ex will grab onto this in our upcoming Custody Evaluation with a "see what he's causing". This is the least of my worries, because DD would never agree to move in with her on even a semi-permanent basis.
Any suggestions.

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Talk to your daughter's counselor - that is all you can do at this point. Ask her (him?) what would be the best response to this situation.
Your daughter is in one of two situations right now:
1. She doesn't realize the severity of her actions (it's very trendy among teens to "cut" lately - sheesh!).
2. She needs very very serious help.
Your counselor will be the best person to determine which of the two that is - and then you can take it from there.
Good luck.
First let me say it is wonderful that you already have your dd in counseling. After the eval, you will know what you are dealing with. My own dd has cut before and her counselor said it is not unusual for teenagers to try this and thank goodness I can report that it hasn't happened anymore. My dd said it was the only way at the time to release pent up emotions.
Good Luck
Angie
I have btdt experience on this one. My 14 yo dd has also cut, I found out about it last summer while snooping because I knew "something" was wrong. Her grades dropped, she had one friend (who imo is a bad influence). She started wearing mostly all black - you have heard the drill I'm sure. When I snooped, I was looking for drugs, etc. - I never dreamed I would read about "cutting". I confronted her, put her in counseling immediately. What I've found through talking to my church pastor (!) is that this is more common among teenage girls than you would think. In my dd's case she stopped cutting shortly after I found out. She's still in counseling, and on our third counselor we found one that my dd really likes. Counseling is useless unless you can find someone with whom they can have a connection. She also does group therapy once a week.
In my dd's case, we have a rare case of both parents together for nearly 20 years, and no separations, alcoholism, drug use, etc. We had a hard time figuring out why dd is, as you said, apparently so "emotionally fragile". It turns out dd may actually have learning disabilities. We have had her tested through the school and will know the results next Monday. She may also be suffering from depression and/or ADD. I also think some incidents may have happened at school - the "Queen Bee and Wannabe" syndrome, and unfortunately I suspect my dd may have been the "outcast". :( You've heard how means kids can be - girls in particular can turn this into an art form.
Good luck and email me if you want to further discuss cutting. I have some websites you may be interested in....
Marie
Thank you for all the input.
DD has a counselor's appointment tomorrow, her counselor (that she been seeing for about 3 years now) cleared a spot for her.
We have a psych lined up...but the initial appt. is Mar. 9! I'm going to look for another, to see if we can get in earlier. Not a lot of Teen Psych's around.
Welcome to the board. I haven't read the other posts but knowing the regular posters as I do, I'm sure this suggestion has already been made. Please take her to see a counselor if you aren't already doing so. I don't know very much about cutting - but even without that, your dd would benefit from having someone to talk to. Being a teenage girl is hard under the best of circumstances. It sounds like she's dealing with a lot.
Take care and keep us informed.
jt
I often lurk on the single parenting board and recognize you from overthere!
I unfortunately have plenty of experience with "cutting" and self injury. I would be more than happy to share whatever might help with you. You can email or IM me if you like, I can be found on Yahoo IM as Tickledwitch or you can email to chaoslover@hotmail.com
Finding your daughter doing this has to have thrown you right into a whirlwind, I am sorry. I think you are doing the right thing with the counceling. Its been very apparent to me in my lurkdom how very much of a conscienscious father you are. Stay strong. And like I said, If you have any questions or if I can provide you insite, dont hesitate to ask. Cutting is often "scary" and graphic and those not dealing with issue are very easily disturbed by it, which is why I dont know that this board is where I should post a lot of info. There is a SI board here on Ivillage, however, in your situation I dont think that it would be massively helpful. It is more for the cutter themselves and often very triggering. (Probably better for you talk to someone who has experience with it, either themselves or family, but is not dealing with it actively at this point) There is something that you do need to understand though, plenty of people experiment and stop, others are not able to stop, the endorphine rush from the "release" can be as addictive as any drug. Hopefully its been caught early enough that she's not in that stage. People who tend to cut, tend to deal with reoccurences through out life. Anyone who knows someone who has cut NEEDS to be aware that it CAN resurface at other times as with any addiction. Cutting is never about suicide, but "release" and often times just to be able to "feel something"
One last thing, many people think cutting is now the cool trendy thing. Sorry, I dont buy it. 20 years ago I knew people who self injured. The media and our society has only made the fact more well known. You may also want to spot check her now and then in the future. Most cutters will do it somewhere that can easily reached but hidden, upperarms, legs, chest or stomach. Chances are, as much as she may have "needed to " do this, she feels it is bad and wrong and not normal, if you jump all over it and she continues to feel the need to she will become a master at hiding it. If it were me, I would let her know that I am GLAD she told you, that there are other better ways to stop hurting and you WILL help her find them, and as awful as this sounds that if it DOES happen again that you'll understand. Easier to stop what you know, then what you dont. Most importance, acceptance of her and her feelings.
Oh one more thing, is she on any meds? Some meds can trigger episodes, and sometimes the build up can be months, so any new meds with in the last year or two I would also look at.
Chaos
Chaoslover
Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.
Thanaks for the responses...
Last night, while we were talking (again) I told her (again) that I loved her, and that I was very happy and proud that she could tell me what has been going on.
There are a combination of issues that I think are piling on DD.
a) Problems with friends (the cruel 13 yo girl world), she is an "Outcast"
b) Mother issues
c) Recent relocation of one of her close friends.
d) Death of her grandfather (last November)
e) I'm also giving thoughts about PMS (both Pre and Post). This incident was Post by a couple of days.
Counseling is this afternoon, and I've set up the ability for DD to talk to my fiance (P) by phone in the evenings if she wants to. DD and P get along very well, and P is kind of a neutral outlet.
DD has been on Remeron to help her evening anxiety issues so she can sleep. It had been working, but seems to be failing now.
Looking into other physical activites that we can do to help this some.
chaos
Chaoslover
Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.
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