Newbie with a Question about son
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| Thu, 01-26-2006 - 7:53am |
I have a 14yo DS who has a girlfriend who is 13yo. They have been together for about 5 mo. now. I am really worried about this relationship. I like the girl and she has a nice family and all but she is totally obsessed with my son. My DS was in a skateboard accident (no helmet) back in Oct. and almost died. He had to be life flighted from the scene to 70 mi. away. He was in a drug induced coma for 18 days on a ventilator and was diagnosed with TBI.(Traumatic Brain Injury) While he was in the hospital, this girlfriend fell "in love" HARD. I think it was all because of the fact that we almost lost DS. She would have her mom bring her to the hospital 2 or 3 times a week even though she couldn't talk to DS or touch him. She would just go in his room, watch him for about 10 min. and then they would head home. I thought it was sweet at the time. Then when we were through with rehab and all of that and got back home, she just started acting like they were married or something. She calls all the time. They webcam and IM daily. She and DS seem to think that they should be together every weekend. She thinks he needs to come to her house or she should be at mine. The last time she was at my house, we were getting ready to leave and I walked into the livingroom where they were and she was sitting in his lap. I thought that was very disrespectful to me and improper behavior for their age. Then when we left and stopped by where I work,(a restaurant) we went in and she sat in my sons lap again right there in front of my boss and his wife. It embarrassed me to no end. So now when she wants to come over, we always go somewhere public but she is still always hanging on him. Even her mom has told me that she has had to talk to her about proper behavior in public because she acts that way when her and DS are with girlfriends parents too. She even called DS the other day asking him about names for their children and she was writing them down. I just don't know what to do about her. I know DS likes her alot but I am so concerned that she is so determined that they are together forever that she will do anything to hang on to him. He has tried to break up with her in the past and she would beg and plead with him to the point that he would go back to her. She has told him on more than one occasion that her parents were middle school sweethearts and have been together ever since and her mom had her when she was 16. I don't want to get all in my DS business but the LAST thing I want now is grandchildren, especially since I would be the one to have to help raise them. I don't know what to do about it. Like I said the little girl is nice and I DO like her and her family but their relationship is like something I would expect 16 and 17 yo to be doing not 13 or 14yo!!!!!!! What can I do to change this situation and have them act appropriately for their age and avoid grandchildren any time soon? I know my DS is loving all of the touchy feely stuff. He is a 14yo boy with raging hormones. He is also the type that needs a building to fall on his head most of the time to get the point and now after his head injuries he is impulsive alot. Sorry this is so long but I needed to give you the full picture of what is going on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!

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First of all, I am so sorry about your ds's accident. You must be very relieved that he is recovering.
Now, on to the girlfriend. It's fairly common for kids that age to think they're madly in love. They have all these brand new feelings that they don't have a name for, so it must be love. We, of course, know what it is! It sounds like she romanaticized his injury and recovery and - in her young, undeveloped-cortex mind, they surivived this ... they will be together always. It could change in a week, but she doesn't know that.
A few suggestions: First, I'd talk to ds privately about the PDAs. She might have sat on his lap in front of your boss, but he didn't protest. Then if another PDA situation presents itself (after talking with him alone), I would sit them both down and have a frank discussion with them. As far as her "obsession" with him goes, you really can't do anything about it. You're going to have to ride that part out (and keep your sense of humor) and wait for it to pass. Most likely, it will. In the meantime, I wouldn't leave them alone for a minute. Your plan of going out in public when they visit is a good one.
Good luck!
jt
For what this is worth, I had a similar situation with my daughter when she was younger. She started dating at 14. They were gonna get married and be together forever. He turned out to be her worst nightmare. I am not saying this will happen to your son, but as young as they are, this relationship will probably fizzle on it's own.
If pregnancy is a concern, I would have a serious talk with your son. I have always talked to my daughter honestly and she is now 18 and a great kid. She is dating a nice guy and she came to me to see a doctor for a checkup and the pill. I think talking to them and keeping the lines of communication open is the key.
I would keep a close eye on the inappropriate behavior. Even comment on it when the time is right. The guy my daughter dated at 14 did the same thing, he hung all over her and wouldn't let her go. She grew to hate it. That is too young to have to deal with all that. I'm sure in time and with guidance your son will see that this is wrong and hopefully end it himself.
Hope this helps.
Andie
You mentioned several times in your post that the girl is nice, that you like her and you like her parents. Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on the POSITIVE. Do you know how many parents wish they liked their kids' friends? Or that their kids had friends with good role models?
In my opinion, this girl, and your son are behaving like normal teens. Teens act upon whatever is 'in the moment' with blinders on, and as if it is the ONLY thing in their life. That is normal teen behavior. Maybe they are behaving a little too maturely for their 'younger' teen years, but it isn't necessarily abnormal........
I'd take the good and run with it. Keep open lines of communication open with your son and his girlfriend and especially her parents. I don't know what your personal belief system is, but if you are open to it, talk OPENLY to your son about birth control, and make arrangements to provide it if it is necessary. Although at 13 and 14, hopefully this isn't an issue yet.
As far as the inappropriate physical behavior, sit them both down and express the fact that while you appreciate their closeness, and are happy that each has such a nice boyfriend and girlfriend, that in your home and while with you certain behaviors will not be tolerated------and limit their physical contact to whatever you are comfortable with. Hand holding, or a loose, quick hug as a greeting or goodbye.......don't leave them alone and make sure that all doors are always open when they are in your home. See if you can strike a deal with HER folks to follow the same guidelines in THEIR home.
I know that there are those instances where 'high school' sweethearts stay married their whole lives, but those are few and far between. This talk of kids names and whatnot are just harmless 'wishing' and role playing. I seriously doubt if this girl will be your sons life long partner. In my experience, (since I am a girl), the girl is usually the aggressor at this age, and is more mature and has higher expectations than the boys----so her behavior sounds like insecurity and normal 'girl' control. Again, sit them down and set specific guidelines of when they can see each other (not on school nights, once on a weekend--or whatever works for your family, and hers) and stick to it. Don't put the brakes on TOO much or it'll backfire--but keep it reasonable and flexible (to account for sports, or doctors appts, or whatever).
Good luck and it sounds like you are an 'on the ball' mom, and want the best for your son. Teen age years are so difficult.
Shels
Thanks for all of the great advice. I did talk to DS last week after the baby names thing happened. I explained to him that birth control and condoms weren't 100% and how big a responsibility babies were. I told him that abstinence was the only foolproof way to guarantee that he didn't become a dad and to protect himself from any STD's. I told him that he had his entire adult life to have sex and that he should wait and just be a kid until then. He told me then that he didn't want any babies, not now. He then went on to tell me how he wanted to finish school, work at the DOT and be in the National Guard and go overseas like his stepdad. So he seems to have his head on straight for now. I guess I will just sit back and keep my eye on the situation and speak up about any more inappropiate behavior with the two of them. DS told me today that his girlfriend wanted them to do something together this weekend but he wants to go to a friends house. Maybe I will just let him go to his friends house. Thnaks again for all of the advice.
Sheri
What does your DS think? While I would guess that most boys would love the touchy stuff, I would think that the over-closeness would begin to wear thin. They're usually just not ready for that level of commitment.
If it were my son, I think I'd talk honestly with him, and put some limits on their relationship. Not banning it, but keeping it more reasonable.
This girl reminds me of a girl who was "in love" with my brother when we were in HS. She was two years older, and therefore irresistible to my bro (he was 14, she was 16). My mother was worried, as you are, about grandchildren, and talked frankly about it with my brother on a regular basis. Eventually, he felt smothered and moved on.
HTH
Sue
My DD tried the sitting on the lap thing....didn't last long. I am not much for keeping my mouth shut when I feel something is really wrong. I got the eye roll, but (sad to say) the boyfriend would end up scared of me...lol If/when I allow a child into my home, I am taking on some resonsiblity of caring for them. There have been Several of DD's friends that I was worried about being "active" to young, and I did my best to "talk" with them(was too late for one of them, 15 and she was already preg). Since you talk to the girls mother, I'd insist 'she' do something. IMHO the way they are Both acting is disrespectful (sp?)... I would NEVER behave that way in front of my parents.
You may need to tell the girl that she stop this or she won't be allowed over. JMHO.
I don't mean to offend, but IMO this behavor needs to stop ASAP, so you have to be firm.
GL
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