No Lying - Ever!
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No Lying - Ever!
| Tue, 01-01-2008 - 3:52pm |
With all of this New Years Eve drama from last night, (mine included) do we really expect our teens to never lie to us? Did you really never lie to your parents? Do you think Mother Theresa or Ghandi never lied to their parents? I’m writing this as a catharsis for my benefit more than anyone else. Maybe I’ll convince myself....or better yet you

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As I read Julie's post about Jake, I was thinking the same thing. Of course our kids aren't going to tell us when they do something of which they know we do not approve. I've asked both my DSs plenty and warned them about the dangers of drinking, when they were in HS, and both of them always lied about it. I found out when they were 17 and 24 that both of them had drunk with friends when they were around 16. It's the driving, when they get their first dose of 'independence', I think, that gives them that sense of invincibility and the guts to try stuff they shouldn't be doing.
I never told my mom when I drank alcohol when I was underage; I wasn't a rebellious teen and was respectable in every other way. (Just went along with the crowd like so many teens do.) Unlike me, though, I don't think my mom ever ASKED me if my friends and I drank. And I don't think it's that she didn't want to know--she just trusted us.
I never banned the mixed gender parties cuz neither DS was serious about a girl in the early teen years, and once they start driving, they can pretty much do what they want with the other gender anyhow. They both hung out mostly with close-knit groups of friends and, between our discussions at home and the sexual harassment lessons in school, I think they knew how to behave properly even if they did stay overnight with the girls.
Last night DS18 stayed at a girls' home--the girls slept upstairs and the guys down. Frankly, now that they're all adults in college and doing what they want anyhow, I was surprised to hear that. Hmmmm....maybe THAT was a lie. Who knows?
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I guess I've never truly expected 100% truthfulness out of my guys.
I put 'lies of protection' in a different category than other lies. I personally have a bigger issue with lies of grandeur. I would be more upset with my son if he told someone he won a scholarship to Harvard and turned it down than if he lied when I asked him if he had been drinking last night.
The first seems more willful to me whereas the second is almost a gut reaction that smacks of self defense
I know you're right that all teens "lie" to a certain extent to their parents - even if it's just a lie by omission. I was the ultimate "goody goody" in HS, but even then I know there are things I didn't share with my parents. I know my DD tells me almost everything, but I'm equally sure that there are things she doesn't tell me.
But, I think outright lying - telling a lie when directly asked - is different. And, the message that lying is worse than telling the truth is an important one. Even if we can't stick by it 100%.
As others have said, people usually lie when they think the reaction to the truth will be worse. More openness makes it more likely that eventually the truth will come out.
Sue, mom to Leah and Seth
I don't think anyone here has said that their kid never, ever lies. But there is a lot of truth in that old boy who cried wolf fable. From a young age I told the kiddles if I didn't have truth, I couldn't take proper care of them. Don't sweat the small stuff and a kid is less likely to become a habitual liar. I mean, where does it go from here...lying to us..lying to friends, which can quickly make them very unpopular. Lying to teachers and on job applications?
What an interesting thread. I hate liars. I hate when a lie is obvious. I hate when my dds have lied to me. Do they still lie to me? Hardly ever anymore. We had to go through an awful incident in order for my now 18dd to learn the dangers of lying. After that incident, she basically tells me the truth. I know she's lied about some things, but she's a bad liar and I will call her on the lie if it's that important to me so it's all good. Sometimes I don't call her out on a lie because it's just not that important to me. It's "who cares" situation.
I do have to say that when it comes to the BIG things, BOTH dds come to me and tell me the truth. They know life will go easier for them if they just cough it up and get it on the table to discuss. I have been shocked by some of the things they tell me....things I NEVER EVER would have told my mom. Some things I didn't want to know or need to know! Haha.
I think lying has it's place in our society. I think that we NEED to lie at times for various reasons, as diamond said. If we're HONEST about it, I'd say most of us lie on a daily basis and never even give it a thought - they are called little white lies that save someone from hurt feelings, protect us from disclosing too much information or breaching another's privacy. I think those protective little lies are necessary. It's the grandiose, hurtful and malicious lies that are wrong.
Did I lie to may parents about drinking, smoking, taking the car someplace I wasn't supposed to? About friends being in the house or boys over when mom wasn't home? You bet I did. Was I wrong in doing so? Probably, but no one got hurt and life went on.
I think each situation and the lie that goes with it is independent of all other lies and needs to be looked at on an individual basis. I do not expect full disclosure and 100% honesty from my daughters anymore at this point in our/their lives. At 20 and 18, they know better and if they choose to lie about something important, I hope it comes back to bite them in the @$$.
Thanks for all the interesting replies.
I'd
No it doesn't.
She could have wanted an excuse to say "no" to her friends. I use to do that. "Hey, my Dad the "ogre" said no. It's not me. I really want to go but you know parents." It's a great face saver.
Or..
She wasn't too sure if it was really OK or not.
Next time, ask her.
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