No Respect

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
No Respect
14
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:48pm
Ok so it has now been nine days since my step son has been grounded, and only 5 days since he confessed to having his phone after he was grounded, for other reasons, and his phone was taken away. Now he isn't a big talker at all so when we asked him how he was feeling about his punishment he didn't have a lot to say. We wanted him to talk and let us know if he was sorry or didn't feel he did anything wrong, or just what was going on in his mind. So we thought that the easiest way of doing that was to get him to kinda write a letter about all of it. We asked him to write about what he did, why he did it, if he thought it was right, and how he was feeling. Along with all of this we asked him to write why for each thing, and we gave examples on the how he was feeling topic, such as "are you sorry for what you did, do you feel you did wrong, do you have any remorse for what you have one." When he wrote the letter he did not say anything about being sorry, feeling he had done wrong or anything along those lines. When we asked him why, he said that he wasn't sorry, and he didn't feel that we deserve an appology. He acts as though he has done nothing wrong and he doesn't seem to be learning anything during this punishment, meaning he is still very rude, and has a lot of lip to give. I do understand that because he is 13 this is something that he is going to do, but when I was that age I had respect and I knew where to draw the line. I'm not saying that in my room behind closed doors I didn't say horrible things about my parents but he comes right out and tells you to your face and then looks at you like "what I didn't say anything wrong." Someone please some advice sometehing thatcan get through this kids thick head and show him that he has to start showing people some respect in order to get respect. HELP!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: just__alex
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 5:47pm

There is a certain amount of truth to "if you want to get respect you have to give it" but when we're dealing with kids, they're often unsure how to give it. Everything in teen culture tells them that their parents are idiots and not deserving of respect, so they're not given many examples of how to treat parents with respect. The only way they're going to learn it is if WE treat them with respect FIRST. I'm not saying you're not already doing that, but just wanted to make a point.

One of the things I used to do with my kids, when they were being rude or disrespectful was to look at them as unemotionally as I could and say in as emotionless of a voice as I could muster "A little respect would be appreciated" or "That was incredibly rude." My kids call that "the German look" because my dad has the same look, and so did my immigrant grandmother. In any case, I do NOT give them what they're wanting if they're being rude or disrespectful... they'd better be polite about the asking if they're going to get anything from me. And they're generally pretty good now... though at 13 they did have their moments. (You gotta remember, mine are 22, 22, 19 and 15. By now the three older ones had BETTER have it figured out!)

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: just__alex
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 5:47pm

<>

Can I assume you are female?

DH apologized and admitted he was wrong during the 'honeymoon' years. I am hard pressed to think of the last time I heard it since we are well past the honeymoon years

Sometimes I feel the things moms complain about are things that are 'typical' things for a male and we might be fogetting they are young males. Talking about things and sharing feelings? I have had it happen a few times with my boys but it's when they initiate it. I initiate it and they clam up-even if they're not in trouble!!

Asking my boys to write would, in itself, be a punishment ;)

Im sorry-I know you are frustrated but, call me old fashioned and laden with stereotypes, I think you have to be sure your actions are male friendly. And get dad to have some input for this very reason

My advice-finish up the punishment and move on. He will learn with time if you are consistent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: just__alex
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:33pm

Oh my Windrush, how did I miss this one? You are so right!!! One thing I've had a lot of trouble with when it comes to dealing with my 3 DSs is their "maleness" - even as young as 12 and 13! Guys are not very verbal souls, many studies have shown that women use 3-4 times as many words in the course of a day as men do - and that difference is even noticable on the elementary school play ground. To expect a male to verbalize just how much remorse he feels and why - that is pushing the envelope a bit - I know even the most verbal of my DSs would have trouble with this one.

A little aside here on this topic - 22 y/o DSs spent the last 7 months in Iraq with the USMC. I usually talked to him about every 2-3 weeks. Now if I go that long without talking to my DD, she'd be running off at the mouth for HOURS. Talking to S (who is actually my most verbal DS) usually would go like this:
Me: How are you?
S: OK
Me: What's happening in your life?
S: Not much.
Me: Nothing exciting?
S: Not that you want to hear about.
Me: So what do you want to talk about?
S: What's happening at home?
Me: (Running off at the mouth for the next 1/2 hour, with him just inserting a few words here and there.)

So just_alex, don't assume that just because your DS isn't talking a whole lot that he isn't learning his lesson. He'll get it - the next couple of years are going to be a series of eye rolls, silences, periodic rudeness and disrespect... but I hope you end up as lucky as I feel - that my DSs and I are pretty close, even though they have a hard time saying as much. Heck, it took the major stress of basic training before I heard any of my DSs say "I love you mom" - though I always knew they felt it.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: just__alex
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:42pm
Yes as a matter of fact I am female!! HaHa what gav me away? :)
I think the part of all of this that makes it that much harder is the fact that along with the 13 year old step son we have two other children, one who is going to be 3 soon and my bio daughter who is 2 1/2 and I don't want them to grow up thinking that this kind of behavior is acceptable. I know that I probably sound as though I am maybe over reacting but I am just as stuborn in my beliefs as he is with his, so its definatly a battle.
Thank you for the advice though
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: just__alex
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:54pm

Could you clear up some confusion for me?
On November 19 you posted about this boy and said that you and your husband had "married a short time ago."
Then you posted 2 months later, on February 1st and referred to your SO as your "fiance."
There is also confusion about the ages of the children in your household. In the November post the stepsons were ages 4 and 14. Now they are ages 13 and "almost 3." What is going on here?

Edited 2/6/2007 9:05 pm ET by ivdarian




Edited 2/6/2007 9:06 pm ET by ivdarian
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
In reply to: just__alex
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:02pm
Ok I am sorry that I did that, we have been together for what feels like forever but in all honesty it has only been about a year and a half or so, I call him my husband all the time and he is not yet my husband, we are going to be married this aug. I appologize again, its just habit for me to refer to him as my husband. I did not mean to cause any confusion!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
In reply to: just__alex
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:47pm

Well, heres my two cents worth and hope I don't offend you too much.

Wow! Thats a long time to be grounded. I found that grounding my kids (13 and 15) for too long only caused them to break more rules and become resentful and sneaky. Now I fit punishment to crime. It works better for me. I.E.:

Late coming in (10 minutes grace) = Earlier in next time by the amount of minutes they were late. Late again = Grounded for a Friday night. Late a third time = That Saturday until the next Saturday etc. Unless of course they are really late and depending on the reason but usually its not good enough so they miss a weekend out. This is hard for my girls. They are rarely late anymore.

Being disrespectful = Don't ask me for anything. I won't give it to you until I am satisfied that you are truly sorry. This means no money, rides, friends over, any favours, etc.

Not doing chores = No computer time until all done to satisfaction. Complain about it = less time on the computer.

I don't usually take away the phone but will if need be. They have to be really nasty for me to cut off their air supply and its never for more than a day or two.

As for the letter. Were you asking him to write how he feels or telling him to write how he feels? If you were asking him then what he writes is how he feels at the time and you need to accept that. If you are forcing him to write and dictating what to write he will just clam up and feel resentful.

Kids do get lippy but sometimes thats the only power they have. Sometimes its just easier to let it go as long as they know that it is not appreciated or appropriate behaviour. They will feel bad for it and eventually come around. My girls eventually apologize now and mean it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
In reply to: just__alex
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:00pm

Hi there... I'm new to this board but something came to mind when reading this.

"Ginny"

Loving wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: just__alex
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:43am
I'm with you gin, those car rides, especially after dark, can lead to a wealth of "feelings" talk. Though in general, DSs are not as "feelings" oriented as DD, and probably never will be. I too, grew up in a very female world, but now live in a very male dominated home - what an adjustment, still trying to get used to all the testosterone floating in the air.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: just__alex
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:00am
You're right about teens opening up during bonding time. That bonding time is not always easy to come by, though. From the time my DS17 was 14, he rarely wanted to do anything with me. Now, occasionally, he'll go out to dinner and he does talk a bit more then. But it's still nothing like the way DS23 talks. Some kids are just quieter, more introspective, and it's tough pulling ANY expression of their emotions out of them. Fortunately, he is rarely disrespectful, but I think sometimes I'd almost prefer that to his silence! Just so I know what he's feeling.

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