No respect from DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
No respect from DD
5
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 2:27pm
I have a 15 year old daughter who does not mind me or have any respect for me at all. She is a good kid, but when it comes to me, she is rude and disrespectful. Any suggestions to make her mind and have respect?
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 4:26pm

I don't have a whole lot of advice, but when my daughter is being disrespectful, I just walk away from her.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 12:30pm

Shauna has the right idea. Teens won't mind you if there are no consequences for not minding you, kwim? Consistency is key. My dd has a friend whose parents are extremely inconsistent with the discipline - on the one hand they let her get away with everything (skipping school, smoking pot, cussing at them, etc.), then suddenly they've "had enough" and threaten to send her to one of those "teen boot camps". She runs away, the parents worry,fret and cry. She comes back and all is forgiven. So what has this teen learned? That she doesn't have to mind her parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:50pm

I suppose it depends on what you mean when you say she doesn't "mind" you. Like, what kinds of things does she do?

I see a big diff. between how my DD (17) relates to me and how my DH's DD (16) relates to him and I think our parenting styles have a lot to do w/ it. Not that my DD is perfect. She can be moody and there are days when she will jump at me for no reason. I will point that out, like if I ask her a question and she is rude then I will tell her that I don't like that kind of behavior. But I know that she does feel bad when she upsets me and she will apologize or say she was in a bad mood because of school or whatever. She is also very responsible, does well in school, works p.t., etc. I give her a good deal of freedom so that when I make a rule, it's definitely for a reason and she tends to obey it. For ex., there is a law that people under 18 can't drive after midnight. I do not make exceptions to this because then I will be in discussions all the time about why on certain days she could stay out later and then other days she can't, plus I don't want her to get a ticket. A couple of times, she has been 5 or 10 mins. late, so I told her that I really want her home by 11:45, then she won't be tempted to rush and if there's traffic or she gets a few extra red lights, it won't matter. I don't really care about the 11:45. I just want her home before midnight. Lately, she has been getting home before 11:30. I think it was the novelty of having her own car and going out in the summer, but now w/ school, she's not out as much and she doesn't go out on a school night, unless it's to a soccer game at school or something like that. The one time she was really late (like 1:30) I was waiting up and instead of yelling, I explained that it really made me worried and I expected her to be more responsible. She has never been late since.

Now my DH is kind of nit-picky about everything. He was always the kids of dad who was like, I am the boss, you have to obey me. As a consequence, I feel that his DD is passive/agressive, since she doesn't feel allowed to say what's on her mind. So she will do things that are really sneaky behind his back, while lying to cover up the consequences. Like when he would catch her being on the phone late at night, he would go in her room to say why were you on the phone? Then she would say, I wasn't on the phone, like we couldn't hear her and they would have this big battle over it. Then he will threaten her w/ major consequences which, like the OP said, he would never follow through with, so she would figure she would get away w/ anything eventually. The one thing he did follow through with was when she really ran over her cell phone minutes, he took it away for the whole summer and then in the fall, he said if you do it again, I will take it away until you can pay for it yourself. So she hasn't gone back to that. I just feel that respect is a 2-way street. In order to get respect from your kids, you have to respect that they are people and are entitled to be treated in a certain way. I have seen him yell at her, swear and call her names. Then he will wonder why she doesn't want anything to do w/ him.

So I guess I would need more of an explanation about what your DD is doing. Actually I have seen some parents on this board whose teens are really out of control and I wouldn't have a clue about what to do cause I have never been in that situation.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 2:17pm
I wanted to response to your post. I also have a daughter 17 who sounds very similar to your daughter, i.e. good grades, works pt, no drugs/sex, etc. My husband and I give her a good bit of freedom as long as she's within the limits or rules that we set (for our city, drivers under 18 have to be off the road by 11:00 pm). Our problem comes with her total sense of apathy towards us. We have to constantly keep on top of her to do chores, help out around the house, or just be a considerate family member. She just doesn't seem to want to please us or want to involve herself with us at all. I'm sure if it were up to her, weeks would go by before she would even consider having a conversation with us. The only time she comes to us and talks is when she wants something. When she does something wrong, we usually "ground" her by the only thing that's important to her and that's the car, but it's become such a battle that it's exhausting. Nothing else seems to matter to her but the car. I feel that sometimes we've created a monster. We've let her have everything she wants because she's basically a "good kid", but now she seems entitled to everything. How do we get back on track where "we're the parents and not her"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 2:29pm

I do have to agree that my DD isn't much help around the house, except that she does her own laundry. She really has no other choice since I won't do it. I think that's just part of the self-centeredness of teens and hopefully they outgrow it eventually.

I do not say I have given my DD everything since we just can't afford it. My mother gave her a used car, 10 yrs. old but only 40,000 miles on it (the typical little old lady car), but my DD has to work to pay for gas & ins. She is kind of resentful that some of her friends are given everything they want and she isn't, but that's life. Every big thing, I do make her pay for some of it, like camp for church group, which was $350 for a week away, and her class ring last year, which was also about $300 (a rip off for what it was).

I can't say that the only time my DD talks to me is when she wants something cause she does tell me what's going on in school, etc. I know that every day when I come home from work, she is usually in the office doing homework or on line, so I will go in & say hi to her and we usually chat for a few mins. Sometimes, there's not much to say but hi. But we do eat dinner together almost every night so it's kind of hard to sit there in silence w/ 5 people.

I really don't have the answer, except that if the only time she does talk to you is when she wants something, I would point that out and say that I am not inclined to give her whatever when she doesn't do her part.