Is this normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Is this normal?
6
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:33pm
My 13 yr old dd has become SO defiant lately. Her attitude stinks, she is so self centered and her dad and she are like oil and water. She can be so hateful (yelling and screaming) at her 6 yr old sister as well as everyone else. She tries to talk/be all 'gangsta' sometimes and it drives me crazy! The thing that scares me is when I ask her about why she said/did something mean (like not keeping promises, yelling mean things at her sister or us, threatening to run away), she'll just look at me like she has NO remorse and even half-smiles about it. AGH! It makes me SO mad. My husband cannot handle it at all, and she when she is disrespectful and so 'IN YOUR FACE' around him it usually escalates into a HUGE drama. Today, she told me "I'm changing Mom, I'm not going to be the same person I was" She doesn't have many girl friends, mostly guys. Whenever she has had a girl friend, it always ends.. she tells me she likes boys better because there is less drama.. Otherwise, she is a good student and plays sports. I don't want any of this to escalate into worse things like all the posts I read.
Is all this normal? What should I watch out for?
Avatar for ivillage_sista
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 4:03pm

Longtime lurker here and mom of 2 teens.


I am not sure if it is *Normal* but it surely isn't uncommon.

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 8:14pm

The one thing that bothers me the most about your DD's behaior is her lack of remorse. Otherwise, her behavior doesn't seem all that unusual. Teens misbehave, but as far as I know, they are usually sorry afterwards, even if they don't express it verbally to us.

As Real said, she may just be trying to find herself. She's a point in her life when things are changing rapidly within her. She's somewhere between childhood and adulthood and may be struggling to get beyond one point and onto the next.

Don't dispare too much, especially since she's maintaining her grades and is involved with sports. It could be worse, her grades could drop and she could choose to do nothing besides hang out.

Real offered a good suggestion; take her out and talk with her. You may not get too much information from her, but at least, she'll know you are concerned and therefore care about her.

Hopefully, in time, she'll discover herself and go back to being the young lady that you know.

Hugs,

Mily

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 8:06am
Some teens do go through out-and-out defiance. I have been through this with my now 17-yr-old DD. She started that at about the age of 13 and it lasted until about 3 months ago. Last year was the absolute worst! She started hanging out with a guy that was totally disrepecful of everyone, began dating him... he was a terrible influence on her. Influence yes, but it was HER choice to join in with his disrepect and very risky behavior. She had to drive everywhere because he lost his license. She started drinking, became sexually active, refused to obey curfew, let him come into the house at all hours while we were asleep (her room is in the basement).It was a living war almost the whole time she dated him. After about 5 months, he started really treating her like crap; he was verbally and emotionally abusive to her and I think it would've eventually escalated to physical abuse. He was cheating on her left and right. We were constantly trying to get her to dump him... but eventually had to be quiet because the more we said, the more tightly she held onto him. She didn't want to do what WE said even if it meant she would continue getting hurt. She became quite withdrawn and had a very low self-esteem. I now realize it HAD to go this way for this particular DD to learn. My advice is... keep trying. Sometimes they do listen... and sometimes they don't. It's the times they do that have meaning to them later on. Don't ever let her think you've given up on her when things get really bad. My DD thought she wanted to "be someone else" too for several years. Now I have seen her turn a corner. She started doing things that made her happy (and I think realized that those other things did not make her happy). She can still be rather selfish and unremorseful, but that is changing too. Keep that strong family bond... try to get Dad involved. My DH was uninvolved which added to my stress. Finally he got involved with interacting with the kids about 6 months ago and I think this is what caused DD to turn the corner. He bought her flowers on her birthday, started talking to her face-to-face and began treating her like a lady (in hopes that she would understand how to treat others and to find people who treat her the same). Good luck. I wish you the best!
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 8:57am

I've seen this not only with my now 15 y/o DD, but also my DSs 18, 21 and 21.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 9:25am

Went to a positive discipline seminar for my job and one of the strategies was to avoid 'why' questions by forcing yourself to focus on 'how' and 'what'

Why questions are never fruitful IME

That doesnt mean you let them do what they want. But the old 'how do you think your sister feels" or "what can you do next time you feel the anger coming on; lets come up with some strategies" will be more effective than "why did you call your sister that name"

"What are you running away from?" "what will be different when..."

It struck me as a good strategy because we get so emotional in the middle of these tirades...its good to have a strategy to fall back on

To me, its harder on the dads because IME they tend to be more controllers than teachers

I personally would not assume playing sports and keeping good grades meant all was well-Ive seen too many parent lulled into that false sense of security

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 6:57pm

I so hope I can help. I have a 13 yr old who has been a tom boy most of her life - 1 best girl friend, 3 best boy friends. Also, my 13 year old was BORN defiant! As she hit this 13th year I have found that talking to her "when I can" as an adult is making a lot of difference. Every decision I can possibly leave up to her I do. I.E. Can I stay at a friends til ??? Well you have this and this tomorrow, what do you feel comfortable with? As I've thrown the ball back in her court over the past year instead of trying to tell her what to do, she has become a lot less defiant. The decisions are hers and she usually makes pretty good ones. Now this is not FREE REIN. I give her options, discuss situations, etc. But when she does make the decision that I agree with I praise her for being mature, smart, etc. When we disagree (and it is still safe) I let her go with the poorer decision and suffer the consequences. When that happens, I don't put her down but basically ask her if she'd learned anything or would've done anything different. There is a book "Raising a Defiant Child" (I hope I got the title right). Defiant children like my daughter, or children that BECOME defiant (like my son) are in their teenage years where their brains are on full speed with no one at the wheel. Yet the more we try to take the wheel for them, the more they try to take control of their lives and take control from us "dumb parents". Give her all the choices you possibly can. When she makes wrong ones, ask if she learned anything, let it go forever, and go on. Most of all, anytime she makes choices that you are happy with, praise her, tell her she is maturing, good job, she's doing great. She may look at you like - right MOM, like I care about your opinion! But inside all children do, and over time you will see the transformation.

Oh and most of all - stop letting her press your buttons!!! She is not really wanting to press you buttons. She is hurting, unsure, angry with life or herself. My daughter gets absolutely nuts sometimes (i.e. show her a black pillow and she would argue it was white!). Makes no sense! I have finally figured out sometimes she just needs to explode! Instead of taking the mean things she says, the difiance personally, I ignore it. I don't let her goat me into a fight. I usually end up being quiet (ignoring) till it precipitates into her screaming and crying - and then I just sit by her and let her get it all out. Once it's all out, she comes back to being her sweet/kind self.

Between the teen brain, hormones, and the social challenges these kids face I have learned the hard way (with my son) JUST BE THERE. Don't take it personally. Let them run there lives, give them choices, and when they screw up (and they will) don't pick up the pieces - but don't "I told you so" either. They're smart. They know they screwed up. Let them know we are "just here".

Sorry so long. Hope I have helped you!