Not Nagging, Not Nagging, Not ...
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| Sat, 03-18-2006 - 12:08pm |
Aaaacckk! I'm venting here because I'm not nagging! DD has several huge projects for school coming down the pipe this week and she's downstairs reading! She accused me of nagging her last week. I prefer to think I'm offering little helpful reminders, but she chose to intepret my comments a little differently.
The biggie is this: DD is a delegate in her school's Model United Nations Program. Months ago, she was one of two students selected to represent her school at at two-day conference -- it's next weekend. The weekend and conference is being sponsored by a local Rotary club that is footing the bill for the entire weekend. Hotel rooms, meals, conference fees, etc. DD went to preliminary training for this weekend in January. She's know for some time what country she will represent and what issues she must speak on. She is supposed to deliver her speech at the Rotary Club luncheon Thursday and she hasn't even started it! This isn't something she can just waltz in on and fly by the seat of her pants and do well. I am a firm believer in the suffering of consequences and dealing with the repercussions of our actions, or lack thereof, in this case, but I'm having a hard time biting my tongue. If she goes in to the Rotary Club lunch next week unprepared, not only will she look bad herself, but it will reflect poorly on the school as well.
This is on top of usual weekend homework and two major projects due next week for other homework!
Last night, I said something like "I know you've got a bunch of stuff you need to get done, and dad is going out of town on Sunday, so I've deliberately not planned anything for the weekend so you can really focus on getting your projects out of the way." Thought I was being sneaky in my nagging.
Looks like it fell on deaf ears. I couldn't help myself! I had to say something about reading vs. homework already this morning. If looks could kill, I wouldn't be sitting here right now.
Okay ... breathe ... not nagging, not nagging, keeping my mouth shut ...
Jules

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type up a contract with her. SOmething to the effect of If DD does poorly on projects (confeence) then she has no one to blame but herself and if she doesnt' get off her butt and do it by this and this time, mom will not help in any form whatsoever" and have her sign it.
THat way it is on paper, and she can't look at you and say "but you didnt' help or remind me..."
I have so had it with teens and wanting thier way when I know my way is so much more helpful and better in the long run.
Good luck!!!
I can't nag either....I get into trouble and.....ARGH!!! teen way of thinking..madness!!!!
LARK
Julie,
I'm laughing (not AT you, of course). There are so many parallels between our dd's it's just downright scary.
About a month ago, she had two big tests on a Monday - Western Society and Science. She doesn't hate these classes, but neither are her favorite. She was happily watching reruns of the Gilmore girls for most of the weekend and I just decided to keep my trap shut for a change. I asked her on Sunday, "Are you confident that you've studied enough?" she replied "Yes". She got an F on the WS test and a D on the science test.
The following weekend, we talked about it. She knew she blew it - big time (she is one of those kids who has to study .... when she does, she gets very good grades, but she can't wing it like she used to years back). I told her I was sick of nagging her and she needed to figure out a way to be more organized. I ask her on Friday what her homework is for the weekend. Then I say "What's your plan?" Sometimes she does a little on Friday and divides the rest up over the weekend - sometimes she starts on Saturday. It all depends on what else we are doing over the weekend. This weekend there is a lot going on and she wrote it all down.
I feel for you - it's hard with something like the Rotary thing because it's such an honor and you want her to be at her best. That's what I mean about the parallels - dd was chosen to speak at a leadership conference this fall. She wrote her speach on the back side of some of the conference handouts about an hour before she was to speak. She did ok, but this was in front of kids and parents - the the Rotary club!
She may be feeling the consequences of procrastination on Monday - she is pretty sure she didn't make the cut for the Chamber Singers at her school ... guess why? She didn't practice! AARGH!
I feel your pain. I have no idea if any of this helped....
jt
Also lol, at the situation, not at you. In this situation, I would probably nag. I would say, let's set some time guidelines for the weekend, and then you can build breaks in for reading or relaxing, but here are the things that have to get done by Sunday night. If DD complains about nagging, I'd say "if you show me you can get all this done by Sunday night, then I won't nag you about it". Until then, I"m nagging. I've also told my DD in the past that I go to bed at 10pm, so if she wants any sort of help from me, it needs to be WELL before that. LOL we've gotten some science test studying done very late on Sunday night, but always before my 10pm deadline.
That said, my DD has always pulled it together at the last minute. Darn! No hard lessons learned!! lol A friend's DS is the same way - works like heck on the last night and pulls it off! Kids keep up on our toes!
Good luck!
Let us know how the Rotary Luncheon goes.
Sue
Update ....
I posted originally at about 10:00am California time. It is now nearly 4:30 pm.
About 11:00 I found DD in front of the downstairs computer. I was pleased, thought she was doing research for MUN conference. She was PLAYING SOLITAIRE! Command decision on my part -- if she's not working on school work, she's going be doing work for ME. I told her that I wanted her to go upstairs and pick up her room. There were too many clothes on the floor for my taste, as well as an empty ice cream carton (the pint size) and an empty box of Girl Scout cookies. Not happy with that. Remember my post of a few weeks ago about her room?
"But I was JUST getting ready to do my homework!" Ahhhh. Homework beats out housework. Who'da thunk?
She said to me after working about 12 minutes, "DO you mind if I work a little, then take a break, work a little, then take a break? My neck is getting all stiff" ???? After 12 minutes? I told her she could do whatever she thought worked best.
She got up somewhere along the way of working, taking a break, blah, blah, blah for about a 25 minute potty break and I checked the book she was reading. Page 329!!!! She just started the book this morning. Then I checked her homework. Not even TWO pages finished. I am majorily unhappy with this kid. When she came back downstairs and picked up her book again, I asked her, as if I didn't know, what page she was on. When she told me, I casually walked over to the table to where her homework was and commented on the less than two pages of World Cultures homework done. I just couldn't help myself. The words just came out of my mouth all by themselves.
"Well" she said, all snotty-like "I see how it is." Obviously NOT.
How much longer do I play this game before I really come down on her?
OK, I'm going to toss out something here that I would NEVER have said three years ago when the fight was on to get my DSs thru high school.... I'm lucky, DD obsesses about every test and every project until she's decided it's perfect... or nearly so.
If we're talking about students who are 16 or 17 y/o.... what's wrong with letting them suffer the natural consequences of not prioritizing their time wisely?
hey jt ... it seems like our girls are leading parallel lives to me too. I look forward to reading your posts because it seems like you're dealing with a lot of the same things with your dd and her school.
Boy does that WS thing sound familiar. Last week, DD told me she had a unit test in her World Cultures class on Friday. She and three other students divvyed up the study guide between them and upon hearing that, I thought she was on top of it. DD and two of the students e-mailed their portions of the study guide and one printed out multiple copies and distributed them at school.
Thursday night I asked her if she'd gotten all the study guides and she said she had, but she hadn't even printed them out! How do I make an incredulous icon? I made her print them all out so she could at least review the material on the way to school and sneak in some studying throughout the day.
When I asked her how the test was, she said "oh, it was kinda hard."
Ya think studying a little might have helped?
Julie
P.S. Do you remember when I posted about the non-uniform jacket? Well, I've been picking DD up quite a bit lately and have seen plenty of non-uniform sweaters, sweatshirts, coats, etc and I was THIS close to writing a letter to the school. DD told me that a friend of hers got a Saturday detention for wearing a non-uniform jacket on Friday and that the school was really starting to crack down on dress-code violations. I felt bad for her friend, but happy to hear it at the same time.
Seems like a lot of teens operate this way, doesn't it! Drives me nuts ...
So how do we go from turning what our teens perceive as nagging into something that teaches them self-reliance and time-mangement? I am stuck on this.
<>
I don't have a problem with doing this. In instances where she hasn't managed to pull it all together at the last minute, (and usually, she does) I have let her fall. But first, let me say DD is a freshman. She just turned 14 in October, so is a young freshman at that. She skipped a grade in elementary school and while she seems so mature in so many ways -- I tend to think of her as an 'old soul' -- she is still just 14 and well, that says quite a bit, doesn't it?
I had a talk with her last night. Her 600-page book got finished, but not the homework nor any attempt to start research for the MUN conference. After finishing the book, she watched tv with younger DS until she went to bed. Coincidentially, she and I had a long talk Friday night, debating the pros and cons of her taking an AP class in European Studies during sophmore year. It is common knowledge that the out-of-class work required for this course is a killer. I have no doubt DD could do the work and do well, and I'm sure she would enjoy the class and learn a great deal. However, I told her last night that unless she felt she was going to dramatically change the way she deals with homework and be willing to learn to manage her time better and with more discipline, then she really ought to pass on any AP classes until junior year.
This is another biggie for her. She is a bright girl and does well and it usually is with minimal effort on her part -- sorry mom_dragonfly, no offense please :). She is proud of her brains and proud of the fact she is in advanced courses, so NOT taking AP classes with the other 'smart' kids is going to be an issue with her. The fact the she is in Algebra I and not Geometry this year is a thorn in her side. I don't want to set her up to fail, and I feel like that's what I'd be doing if I encouraged her to take the AP class.
I told her that while I felt she was old enough to be able to manage her homework without my involvement, if she felt that she would like me to help her manage her time better, I was happy to do that.
I also told her that her involvement in the MUN conference is something I was very proud of and also very concerned with. I reminded her that the reason she was selected for the conference next weekend was because Mr. B felt she would represent the school well, but that if she didn't feel she could devote the time required, she should have told someone long before now. Since the conference is only a week away, and there was no way she can back out of it at this late date, she had better plan on putting some serious effort into getting her act together.
<>
We are paying for DD to attend a private high school. It was HER desire and HER choice to attend this school. I doubt DH and I would have considered it had she not pushed for it. Between tuition, uniforms, books, etc., it is just like paying college tuition. She knows that if she doesn't keep her grades up, we won't have any problem with transferring her to one of our district schools.
She is on her period and I am PMSing -- not a good combination.
Anyway, if you have any more thoughts on this and how to turn it all around, I'd be happy to hear them -- sorry so long here.
Julie
Edited 3/19/2006 3:04 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
I must apologize, I mixed up your 14 y/o freshman DD with someone else's older DD.... and if your DD were older, I'd stand by what I said earlier.
Incredulous icon??? Too funny! I've had - and continue to have - many of those moements.
Yes, I remember the non-uniform jacket post as it caused me to set out on a rant on the subject (shoes are the issue at dd's school - or they were until this year). I have to confess that, although it is frustrating at times, I do like the strictness of the rules, Dd said to me the other day "You know what we consider rebellion? Gum." I had to laugh. I used this secret info on the opening page of her freshman scrapbook (well, it's the only page I've done - which is why you haven't seen winter formal photos - but it's only March!)
http://www.twopeasinabucket.com/pg.asp?cmd=display&layout_id=800609
Sometimes I think the only difference between their schools is about 3,000 miles and boys!
jt
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