NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?
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| Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:32am |
My first post here and i'm scared !! lol. (I'm a Dad), here's the facts:
My D has *just* turned 16. She's dating a great kid, also 16. Polite, good to her, makes her happy.
Because of his horrible homelife, I allow him to sleep over at my house on weekends (rather than drive him home at midnight).
They sleep in the finished basement (no doors) on separate sofa's.
I'm sure they cuddle, kiss, etc. My wife has very open sex discussions with her and in the past she's said 'she's not ready for that yet'.
Just this past weekend my D asked my wife if they can investigate Birth control because she said she may be ready and wants to be protected if/when they decide to have sex. This obviously means they're going to have sex as soon as she's protected.
Her and the boy are both virgins so i'm not overly concerned with STD's, just pregnancy.
On the one hand i'm jumping for joy that she has this dialog with my her mom and that she's this smart as to ask for guidance and birth control - she's expressed interest in the Pill.
BUT On the other hand, I feel like a horrible parent for NOT being overly upset and ranting and screaming YOU'RE TOO YOUNG !!
Am I being stupid and too liberal ? She JUST turned 16. My wife is taking her to Planned Parenthood in a week or two where they'll discuss methods.
Is it THAT bad for a 16 y/o to have sex if she's on the pill and he's using a condom ?
Tell me we're the best parents - or tell me we're the worst parents ever.
I'm just so confused. Thank you so much in advance.
Mike.

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I believe that only you, your wife, your dd and her BF know for sure if she is ready for a sexual relationship. I commend you and your wife on maintaining a home built on trust and communication. IMO, that's key - communication. It is not for others to judge if you're great or horrible parents - that's a personal judgement call, don't you think?
I think that you may have delayed things a bit by not allowing the BF to stay overnight on weekends with dd in the same room. Nothing wrong with him staying over by himself in the basement, however. Just my thoughts on that one. My 18dd's Bf has stayed over a few times not with dd, but in the living room couch. Our bedroom is between the living room and dd's room and I am the lightest sleeper, so I would know if they were sneaking around, which I am relatively certain they aren't because my dd is a prude and would DIE is we ever caught her even KISSING bf in our presence. LOL
You and dw should perhaps sit down with the BF and dd and discuss proper use of birth control, it's limits and the importance of how doing it once does not mean your dd (or BF) is obliged to ALWAYS do it. IOW, she (or he) can decline if they feel like it. The first one or two experiences may not be what they imagined and it's okay to change thier minds. Also, be sure to discuss respect for one another's body, and discuss how much a girl's emotions can get wrapped up in a guy once a sexual relationship is established whereas, often more than not, for the guy it's just an act at this age.
The fact that you have an open dialogue going with dd and that you're asking tells me that you're a great dad. Just help dd move a little slower.
heartsandroses: What great points you made, I didn't think of half those things.
btw, dd and the bf are together in the basement, separate couches. I know they don't have sex (she'd have told my wife), so this sleeping thing may have actually encouraged this new found interest in sex.
As a guy myself, I do not understand the 'emotional' layer that girls have with sex, i'll have to investigate that, or hopefully Planned Parenthood will tell her...
That's a great point to make to her - that they don't have to keep doing it once they start. I'm also afraid that after the first time she'll be very turned OFF of sex since the first time basically is horrible ! (LoL!)
maybe you can expand on what you meant by 'respect each others body'...that raised my eyebrows.
Thank you SO much for your intelligent reply. it helped. what a great site this is.
Mike
Hi Mike and welcome to the board.
'respect each others body'..well, I think that goes hand in hand with respecting each person's right to say "no" should they not feel like being sexually intimate. As Pam said in her post, very often the sexual relationship has a way of taking over the emotional and romantic one and that may leave your dd feeling gyped. What she may be expecting is this newfound romantic and emotional tie/closeness, and for her BF it's just a physical act.
Further, by commenting on the aspect of respecting one another's bodies I was also speaking about how readily porn is in today's society. Things or images that your dd's BF may have viewed on line or with friends may not be the same idea about a sexual relationship that your dd has. There is a very broad idea about what a healthy sex life is out there, and depending on your age, it can be only from what a person's read, seen or heard about rather than what he/she has experienced firsthand.
There is so much fumbling for the inexperienced, but wouldn't you agree that preconcieved notions of what's 'hot' and expected can be traumatizing for the partner who isn't thinking along the same lines? I see nothing wrong with making sure to speak with them on this level since they are determined to take this step - it's important for them to realize that sex for everyone is different and they should go very slowly while they figure out what they are comfortable with.
Thanks cl ! I guess I just don't see what's so *wrong* about it. Probably my naivity.
You said "there is a very good chance that sex will be an expected part of all their subsequent teenage romances". And I agree with that.
But on the other hand, if they are very safe about pregnancy and disease (using say a b.c. pill and a condom each and every time) - what harm can be done to her ?
that's not a rhetorical question, but I really need to know if she can be 'harmed' in any way by having teen sex. Can this make her emotionally unstable, or give her a hard time in adult relationships/marraige ?
I guess because I grew up with teen sex (as did my wife) and nothing 'bad' came out of it for either one of us (we didn't know each other). My wife had sex at 15 semi-regularly with a few boys and she shows no negative scars.
AH !! Parenting needs to come with an answer key ! How can something so wonderful be so confusing !! Thanks again for not judging...
Call me a pessimist but I think we always know only a small part of what our kids are doing
I was a 'good' kid, probably because I was a late bloomer ;) I did all the typical exploration things but waited until college-I never even cut a single class in HS. Still, I certainly didnt keep my parents informed of everything!!!!!
What Im trying to say is that your dd may be asking for BC because the deed is already done, KWIM? I think you need to at least think that thought!
For that reason, I suspect following up with the BC is wise.
Having boys and being well past my teen girl years,Im not as tuned into the emotional aspects of sex as the moms of girls are. I would listen to their advice
Boys are IMO still the same boys they were when you were that age. I'd like to think the womens movement had changed things but, frankly, listening to my sons and their friends, it really hasnt!
So she needs to be sure this is what SHE wants because he is most likely saying whatever it takes to achieve his goal which is most likely sex at any cost.
Good luck!
Welcome, Mike! I applaud the open relationship you and your wife have with your DD. For me that's the hardest part--getting DD to talk to me, trust me, etc. I'm envious.
One more thing to really hit on with DD and BF. Just because society appears to have accepted teenage mother and fatherhood doesn't mean it's easy or acceptable. "It won't happen to me/us" syndrome can be very dangerous.
I was glad to see some of the other posters comments about the first experiences being potentially painful and almost always disappointing.
Give your DD some food for thought. Your virginity is something you can only give away once. Sex is special. She is still so young. What happens if/when this relationship ends? She no longer has that level of special to offer the next boyfriend. Or the next.
Sex does not give you any leverage to maintain a relationship. A BF is not going to stay with you *just* because you're having sex with him. And if he does, do you really want him to? Too often young people enter a sexual relationship and forget how to do the things they were doing and enjoying before sex entered the picture. Sex does not replace good clean fun; it does not provide ownership of the other person; it does not take away the fact that you need to like, respect and enjoy the other person--like it or not sex loses some of its appeal eventually and you still have to know how to get along and like the other person. It's when sex replaces all the other aspects of the relationship that things go dysfunctional. And then when she moves on to the next BF will she remember how to build a relationship without sex being part of it or will she be having sex from the get go?
Has your DD said "why" she wants to have sex? I think it's interesting and maybe a little sad that the media (specifically but other things, too) have given kids the idea that it's expected, accepted and right to be in a sexual relationship at a young age. At 16 I don't think they should be looking for new ways to express their love. I'd be really interested to know why she is planning for that step.
Just some thoughts bouncing around in my head.
Dani
H&R: Got it - I’ll be sure to have my wife mention the ‘feeling gyped’ thing that girls can possibly feel.
You can probably tell by know that my dd begged her mom NOT to tell me about this, but my wife obviously did. I have to play dumb, even though I’m on to everything.
I’ll respect my dd wishes to “not have me know”, I guess she feels weird because I���m a guy.
Yea, the porn thing scares me - I’m sure they’ve both seen it on the internet, and those people always look like they’re having a great time don’t they ? lol !
Should my wife tell her that the first time will most likely not be all “fun and orgasms” or should she learn this on her own ? The first time will most likely be awkward, painful and embarrassing, but if she knows this beforehand she’ll be even more petrified of the act. But if she doesn’t know this beforehand she’ll be mortified during the act.
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WINDRUSH: that did cross my mind, especially when I saw a condom in his wallet last month. (yea, I snooped). Part of me said it’s there ‘just in case’ and part of me thought what you thought, that maybe they did it already. But he supposedly is a virgin also so he wouldn’t be looking to nail ‘another one’.
Oh God help me thru this, lol !
thanks all !
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Dani - thank you very much. I'd say 'society' is telling her it's ok. Every tv show she watches has teens having sex, usually 'fun' sex. hanging out in parties, etc. all laughs and fun. Of course the Real World is not like this, but what does she know at 16. she'll only believe her parents so much. She claims it's 'love' but that elicits an eyeroll from most of us 'old people'.
Edited 4/11/2006 1:08 pm ET by misterman2006
That's what I don't get: WHY is it so bad ?
She's mature in every other way ( I know 16 y/o have a LOT to learn but still - she has a job, good grades, hates drugs, goes to church, etc).
What could happen to her that would be so devastating ? As a man, I can't see the 'emotional' baggage. Why does a female who has ultra-protected sex with someone she loves have to come with heavy baggage ? Is it possible that it doesn't have to ?
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