NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?
74
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:32am

My first post here and i'm scared !! lol. (I'm a Dad), here's the facts:

My D has *just* turned 16. She's dating a great kid, also 16. Polite, good to her, makes her happy.
Because of his horrible homelife, I allow him to sleep over at my house on weekends (rather than drive him home at midnight).
They sleep in the finished basement (no doors) on separate sofa's.
I'm sure they cuddle, kiss, etc. My wife has very open sex discussions with her and in the past she's said 'she's not ready for that yet'.

Just this past weekend my D asked my wife if they can investigate Birth control because she said she may be ready and wants to be protected if/when they decide to have sex. This obviously means they're going to have sex as soon as she's protected.
Her and the boy are both virgins so i'm not overly concerned with STD's, just pregnancy.

On the one hand i'm jumping for joy that she has this dialog with my her mom and that she's this smart as to ask for guidance and birth control - she's expressed interest in the Pill.

BUT On the other hand, I feel like a horrible parent for NOT being overly upset and ranting and screaming YOU'RE TOO YOUNG !!

Am I being stupid and too liberal ? She JUST turned 16. My wife is taking her to Planned Parenthood in a week or two where they'll discuss methods.
Is it THAT bad for a 16 y/o to have sex if she's on the pill and he's using a condom ?

Tell me we're the best parents - or tell me we're the worst parents ever.
I'm just so confused. Thank you so much in advance.

Mike.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:43pm
I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, so I don't know why I comes with such emotional baggage, it just does. It is "special".
Like one of the earlier posts said, really only your DD and you and your wife can decide this (really your DD), and if she is talking to her mother then that is the best way for someone to start being "active".
In my ideal world my DD will wait until marriage, preferrably at 30 years old. LOL!
I know back in the bible days women got married at 15 and started having babies, so I'm no expert here, just probably an overly protective mom. My DD is only 13.5, so naturally the prospect of something like this is beyond my worst nightmare.
It sounds like you and your DW are on the same page, and okay with this so that's what matters in your household.
Good luck!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:55pm

It doesn't ALWAYS come with baggage, for goodness sakes. Plenty of young boys and girls make the MUTUAL decision to become sexually active and they grow up to be fine, productive, baggage free adults. I would have to say that the most common reasons why there my be some baggage are....1) she's not really ready and he's putting pressure on her to have sex, or 2) the family has placed too much taboo on the whole NORMAL sexual evolution of our youth, or 3) she suffers some type or level of trauma during the event.

Again, I reiterate how important it is to make sure that they are both making this decision together and that your dd is not simply being pressured by the boy.

misterman, you had to know that everyone feels differently about this particular topic. If I had my way, I too would rather that my dd's wait until they are finished with their college educations before even so much as looking at boys, but the reality is they will not. So the next best thing is to supply plent of information, an environment that nurtures open communication, honesty and a large dose of reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 4:06pm

Sorry if i was sounding 'offended' in my posts, i really wasn't ! just asking questions - sometimes that comes across as rude in this 'cold' setting where we can't show our emotions...

Anyway, yes, I guess i'm a bit defensive since I seem to be in the minority. Both teens are making this decision, she's not being pressured and she went to her mom for a trip to planned parenthood. He's a real good kid who worships the ground she walks on - i can't image him pressuring her but i'm certainly going to tell my wife to ask.

I just can't find anyone who's in my shoes so i feel like a bad parent sometimes.
I guess i'm just really lucky. Well, i'd be luckier if she waiting until 18+, but my situation could certainly have turned out worse.

Thank you everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 4:14pm

Okay, mister:

Emotional baggage: what will happen when he gets tired of having sex with your dd and moves on? Will she feel "used", will she be "just fine with it"? These early teen relationships can be so emotionally charged and intense, sometimes much more so for girls. Be ready for the devastation to be much more intense if he's her "first". I realize a boy may not feel this way, but girls usually feel special about their "first". I personally felt cheated over my "first" b/c it was not "special" to him, though it was to me.

Secondly, I think you should look at this logically: teenagers feel pretty invisible, yeah, even in today's day. I don't think you can count on the condomn being used often once they get their relationships "started". As long as she's on the pill, they will feel that is enough. What happens if he cheats on her? Will she know? Will she care? What kind of very personal germs is he going to be sharing with her?

Now, starting at 16, your dd is starting early and she faces many years of partners and the exchanges therefrom. Read up on HPV. It is the primary cause of cervical cancer. As the OP said, the only truly safe sex is no sex.

P.S. I do agree that you're not concerned enough, however, just the fact that you're asking these questions leads me to believe you're not as okay with it as you would like...

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 4:22pm

Wow - you totally misread my post! Haha - I was referring to the other poster re: baggage.

I think all of your questions so far are very valid inquiries. I personally think your wife should tell her you know so you can openly be 'in the know', albeit not to her face, you understand. But since she doesn't know that you know, how better to get answers to your questions than a place like this - everyone is supportive and gives thier 2 cents without fear of retribution, etc. We can agree or disagree and it's okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 4:48pm

Well Mike, I’m not sure exactly what you’re looking for.
Personally, it’s hard to believe a father can be so pragmatic about this experience.
Is this your bio child that you’ve raised since birth? Or is this a step daughter that came with the package?
There is an abundant wealth of information out there that says teenagers are never remorseful for waiting to have sex.
<<>>
Teens tend to see each relationship as "the one...forever", when the reality is they usually are quite brief. What is potentially devastating is the emotional impact of breaking up after intimacy when they have barely had enough time to develop any interest in the opposite sex in the first place.

<<>>
Given the fact that teenage relationships are short lived, does your daughter share the same non-emotional attachment to sex as you do?
I’m not judging you. If she does, then your problem is solved. I would highly doubt that is the case though.
Interestingly, as a man, I see all sorts of emotional baggage with many of DD’s friends. Children who think sex "retains" a boyfriend, or think it’s just what your supposed to do after going out XX number of months, or think it will bring them closer together, etc.. There are all sorts of common, immature reasons for having sex...all with lots of baggage.

Do teens always remember to take out the garbage? Do their homework? Feed the dog? Remember their sports schedules? Your idea that they are safe with the pill and a condom is dangerous thinking. When was the last time your DD was sick and needed a prescription? Did she take it each day without reminder? How long do you think boyfriend is willing to wear a sock if she’s on the pill?

In short... no the sky is not falling if your teen decides to have sex, but I don’t think you’re looking at all the ramifications.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 5:43pm

H&Rs post triggered something in my mind...

Mike, if your DD doesn't want you to know what she's doing, how long does she think she can keep it from you? Stereotype or no, boys do talk. So do girls. It won't be long before lots of people know that they are having sex--peers and parents alike. That is just one more consequence of her decision. Is she prepared for the names, the snubbing, etc that may come from those who disagree with her decision? Not everyone thinks it's cool to have sex at 16--and she'll probably hear about it in unkind ways. So will you and your DW. Are YOU, Dad and Mom, prepared to defend your daughter and your support of your daughter's decision to those who may strike out at you?

Fallout can be damaging. Even if it is inaccurate.

Dani

One question? Is DD your only child? This can affect other siblings now and in the future also...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 8:05am

Wow. Ok, now I feel stupid. The last four posts more or less told me, in a nice way, that I’m a fool !

Momdragonfly> I don’t think she’ll feel ‘used’ as you suggested. I know teens well - i have two other kids and their friends all use my home as ‘home base’ and we’re all quite open & honest. I know which ones had sex, which ones have tried pot, etc).
They all agree that more than half their grade has had sex.
Unfortunately, they don’t view sex as ‘dear’ and ‘special’ as you may have when you were their age.
As far as feeling cheated after the relationship ends? How many wives out here are married to the man who took her virginity? Low, low percent i'm sure - meaning that 99% of the females have had this devastating feeling of being ‘used’ like a whore ? That’s what I can’t believe. I can't believe that the USA is filled with remoreseful, regret-filled women who are emotionally crippled because they felt used by their first sex partner.
I think teens today realize that the person they lose their virginity to will most likely not be their lifetime partner. This is a big change from the 1950’s, 60’s, etc.

Hearts> sorry ‘bout the misunderstanding ! Yes, I think eventually my wife will tell her that I’m in the know. I’m just going to give her this privacy for a few months or more.

Daddio> I don’t think I’m being aloof like you suggested. Maybe ‘naïve’ is the word ? Yes, she is my biological daughter and we have two younger children behind her.
I think what *you* may have a hard time grasping is someone as liberal as I am?

I do not feel that teens look at their first relationship as The One for Life. She is way too smart and mature to think that (although I would be quite happy if this boy was the One, he’s wonderful). Of course she’ll be very sad when they break up, but I don’t think she’ll be in a fetal position sucking her thumb saying ‘oh my god I had sex with him now he’s gone’.
About taking the pill - my wife will be on her like white on rice, I’m sure of it.
Remember daddio, my daughter is NOT your daughter. You may be assuming that they share similar beliefs and traits because of their age, but they are probably completely different entities. I see a lot of self-projecting in your thread. BUT, Thank you very much for your input! This is why I posed the issue, to get various responses.

Rennie> One thing about my family (kids included): we do NOT care what anyone thinks about us. I raised them to hold their heads high and live with whatever decision they make, and live proudly. And they are doing so well with it. What people say about my kids does not affect them in the least. No one in my town talks about girls who have had sex (there's simply too many) - and if anyone ever did whisper about my daughter, she'd have her head held high knowing she made a decision she can live with.

Thank you all for all your input !

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 8:34am

I don't know where you live but I have two boys ages 16 and 18 and we have teens over

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 8:57am

So the question is "Why shouldn't your daughter have sex ?"

Maybe a good question would be why should she have sex ?"

Kim

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