NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?
74
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:32am

My first post here and i'm scared !! lol. (I'm a Dad), here's the facts:

My D has *just* turned 16. She's dating a great kid, also 16. Polite, good to her, makes her happy.
Because of his horrible homelife, I allow him to sleep over at my house on weekends (rather than drive him home at midnight).
They sleep in the finished basement (no doors) on separate sofa's.
I'm sure they cuddle, kiss, etc. My wife has very open sex discussions with her and in the past she's said 'she's not ready for that yet'.

Just this past weekend my D asked my wife if they can investigate Birth control because she said she may be ready and wants to be protected if/when they decide to have sex. This obviously means they're going to have sex as soon as she's protected.
Her and the boy are both virgins so i'm not overly concerned with STD's, just pregnancy.

On the one hand i'm jumping for joy that she has this dialog with my her mom and that she's this smart as to ask for guidance and birth control - she's expressed interest in the Pill.

BUT On the other hand, I feel like a horrible parent for NOT being overly upset and ranting and screaming YOU'RE TOO YOUNG !!

Am I being stupid and too liberal ? She JUST turned 16. My wife is taking her to Planned Parenthood in a week or two where they'll discuss methods.
Is it THAT bad for a 16 y/o to have sex if she's on the pill and he's using a condom ?

Tell me we're the best parents - or tell me we're the worst parents ever.
I'm just so confused. Thank you so much in advance.

Mike.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 8:59am

You're neither the best nor the worst parents in the world. However, if you're looking to win the "best parents of a teen girl" on awards night, I suggest you consider the long term ramifications of your 16 year old dd's beginning a sexual relationship.

1. Most teen relationships have the life span of the average household fly.
2. She can only lose her virginity once.
3. And "losing viginity" is a misnomer ... it is a gift, and a profound one at that.
4. I doubt that many people reach adulthood wishing they'd had sex at an earlier age.
5 Althought STD's are not an issue in the case of these two virgins, they will be an issue in any future reltaionships.

As adults who are able to see the big picture, it is your responsibility to help your dd do the same.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:01am

Is this your bio child that you’ve raised since birth?

Daddioe, you disappoint me ...

jt (adoptive parent)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:06am


Kim, you'd make a good point if not for one thing: Your assuming that teens know *nothing* at all about the feelings of true love.

Maybe you're assuming they're all just mall hungry, MTV listening, phone talking silly chatterboxes - any many are. There are some that know what 'love' feels like and would like to have intimate relationships for the same reason you and I do.

So assuming that a teen DOES understand true love and it's consequences - there should be no reason for them TO have or NOT to have sex at all !

p.s. We live near Manhattan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:25am

I DO doubt that teens know ALL about the feelings of TRUE LOVE.
It is quite possible that your teen does. I hope for her sake that she does !!
I also hope that you can guarantee that she will ALWAY insist on a condom and will ALWAYS remember to use her birth control.
But I guess since teen sex is so acceptable in your area...then so are teen pregnancies and STD's so it won't be a problem for your family when it happens.
Kim

It appears to me that you have already made up your mind that is it acceptable for your teen daughter to have sex. I guess I am not sure why you ask the question here as it would appear that is more fitting for the debate boards.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:30am

I too am disappointed by that question, daddio.

My H has been my dd16 and dd18's stepfather since they were 4 and 6 and I can tell you that many, MANY times over these past tumultous years, he has been the logical guiding parent moreso than I. I thank God that my dd's have such an excellent dad, because thier bio dad has been a toad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:30am

Sorry ..Why?
I was making no comparison to adoption vs. bio. There IS no comparison.

I was curious if mister's "what's the big deal" thoughts on the matter were in part, contributed by the daughter being a recent addition to his life through marriage.

I understand now, that it is not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:55am

Chiming in here rather late, misterman, but if the reason you want to give your DD the green light to have sex is because 'everyone else is/has/was having sex, too' and with no serious reprecussions ... well, I don't think that is a good reason at all.

After her visit to Planned Parenthood, why don't you stop and get her a pack of cigarettes, a six-pack and a few joints too? After all, a large number of teens engage in THOSE behaviors as well and not all of them get lung cancer, become an alchoholic or a drug addict.

 

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:00am

Hi, jt. I just have a few comments on your list....

1. While it's true, "Most teen relationships have the life span of the average household fly", not all of them do. My 18dd has been with her BF for 1.5 years and at around the 6/7 month mark, they decided to become sexually intimate; they talked about it, she talked to me, they planned it, and they prepared for it...they are not sex crazed and they still do other things, and they have handled it fine; she was 17 and he was 19 at the time. I am certain that sex is not the defining factor in thier relationship and I think they've handled the responsibility quite well. Likewise, my 16dd will be with her BF for almost a year this Summer and they are still going strong. Unfortunately, against better judgement, they became sexually intimate earlier in thier relationship but they are still very respectful of one another and he is still madly in love with dd and he practically swoons when she walks into the room, he holds doors for her and always tries to make sure she's comfortable whether it be at school, on the bus, or at our dinner table. While I have no clue how long these relationships will last, I am certain that all parties took it to the sexual level willingly and happily. Both dd's told me about thier first experience honestly (within days for dd18 and within hours for dd16). About 3 months ago, my older dd told me that since she wasn't feeling as emotionally close to her BF as before they had stopped being sexual because they felt it didn't fit into the level of thier emotional committment. And he willingly agreed. Wow, talk about mature.

2. She can only lose her virginity once. So what? I would really love it if someone could explain to me what the major importance of losing your virginity once is all about. If the relationship goes south and years from now she marries the man of her dreams, does that mean her first sexual experience with him will be 'less than' or lacking somehow? I can recall with great fondness my wedding night with my H and it was in no way diminished because I had been sexual beforehand. Not even the fact that I already had given birth to two babies made it any less special for me. In fact, because I was older, more mature and more in control of my body's reactions, it was better than ever (way more than when I was 16 and fumbling around in the dark with my then inexperienced BF).

3. And "losing viginity" is a misnomer ... it is a gift, and a profound one at that. You're right, it is a gift. Giving of yourself in such a personal manner is ALWAYS a gift. Sharing that special intimate part of your being is a gift. Does a 16 y/o fully understand that? Can they appreciate it the way we as adults can? No, personally I don't think they can. I agree with you that being sexually intimate with another person is definitely a gift - something I told to both my dd's (make sure it is special, not easily given away to someone who may abuse what you've shared with them). However, I again have to wonder about the whole virginity thing. I just don't see the importance that our society, or religions have placed on that in particular.

4. I doubt that many people reach adulthood wishing they'd had sex at an earlier age. Again, I think you're probably right there. However, I can honestly say that I am glad for the personal experiences I've had. I am glad that I didn't go into marriage a virgin. I'm glad that I had more experiences that have enriched my life and my H's life indirectly. In addition, I think that my own life experiences have helped me to parent my dd's - I have been able to guide them about certain things and be aware of certain circumstances and situations.

5 Althought STD's are not an issue in the case of these two virgins, they will be an issue in any future reltaionships. STD's, pregnancy, etc., will always be an issue in our kids' lives, just like it was for those of us raised in the 70's and the 80's (sexual revolution and casual sex eras) and just as herpes and syphillis were big in the 20's and 30's and during WWII. STD's have always been around and will always be around regardless of when one loses his/her virginity. It's not a new thing invented for our children's generation only.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:12am

Well, i guess my time here is near up. There are two posters here who are using sarcasm and rudeness to make their points seem more important than mine.

Fluteluver, insinuating that because I’m not appalled at my dd, that I won’t be concerned when she gets an STD or HIV ?
And the other poster who said “why don’t you get her a six pack and a few joints ?
And the other poster who thought I was careless with my dd because he thought she may be adopted ?

Thank you so much, especially you ‘heartsandroses’ & your last posting. That one post made me so happy to see that I’m not alone in thinking this isn’t the worst thing in the world and that it doesn't have to end horribly.

To the other few, you seem quite bitter and a tad uptight. Maybe you made some bad decisions with your own children - don’t be sarcastic with me and mine.

Thank you all again for your input.
Mike.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:44am

<<>>>
no..no..no..
Apparently I was careless with my choice of words.
"Bio" / "adopted" has nothing to do with it.

There has been enough posts on this board from people in 2nd / 3rd marriages who suddenly find themselves trying to deal with someone elses' teenagers. They are unprepared and unsure what their role is. Am I a "parent" or a "friend"? I think in many of these cases, knowing the child for just a few months alters their viewpoint on issues, and they many not necessarily have the emotional investment that a bio parent OR an ADOPTIVE or STEP parent may have.

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