NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?
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| Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:32am |
My first post here and i'm scared !! lol. (I'm a Dad), here's the facts:
My D has *just* turned 16. She's dating a great kid, also 16. Polite, good to her, makes her happy.
Because of his horrible homelife, I allow him to sleep over at my house on weekends (rather than drive him home at midnight).
They sleep in the finished basement (no doors) on separate sofa's.
I'm sure they cuddle, kiss, etc. My wife has very open sex discussions with her and in the past she's said 'she's not ready for that yet'.
Just this past weekend my D asked my wife if they can investigate Birth control because she said she may be ready and wants to be protected if/when they decide to have sex. This obviously means they're going to have sex as soon as she's protected.
Her and the boy are both virgins so i'm not overly concerned with STD's, just pregnancy.
On the one hand i'm jumping for joy that she has this dialog with my her mom and that she's this smart as to ask for guidance and birth control - she's expressed interest in the Pill.
BUT On the other hand, I feel like a horrible parent for NOT being overly upset and ranting and screaming YOU'RE TOO YOUNG !!
Am I being stupid and too liberal ? She JUST turned 16. My wife is taking her to Planned Parenthood in a week or two where they'll discuss methods.
Is it THAT bad for a 16 y/o to have sex if she's on the pill and he's using a condom ?
Tell me we're the best parents - or tell me we're the worst parents ever.
I'm just so confused. Thank you so much in advance.
Mike.

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H&R,
You've raised many good points. I remember your post about your dd deciding that she wasn't ready and I admire the openness (is that a word?) you have with both of your dd's - but I think your situation.... especially with regards to the maturity levels of the teens involved ... is unique. Maybe it's because my dd is an only child and she is 14, but I cannot imagine, in my wildest dreams, a 16 year old having the maturity to deal with all the emotional issues that come with a sexual relationship. In one year and three months, I may be posting here saying something very different and I should have qualified my post by stating that I am dealing with a younger kid in my house.
As to virginity - I'm in the camp that sees the issue of being a virgin as HUGE. You can never, ever go back. It has nothing to do with the depth or the quality of future sexual experiences but has everything to do with holding on to something precious.
Please know that I am, in no way,judging your dd's or the decisions they've made or your role in those decisions. Much of this is highly subjective and I was presenting my views as just that, my own.
jt
Daddioe,
Maybe it's just sematics and I jumped on the word "bio". I do know, from reading your posts over the last year, that you are a thoughtful and relatively sane poster but I still felt the need to point it out.
I figure if I get ONE person to think before he/she speaks on this matter I've accomplished something. My dd is fairly well-adjusted when it comes to her adoption, but I know some comments have really stung.
So, forgive me. I did not meant to set a daddio-attack in motion ... I just want people to use the word "bio" carfully and with forthought.
Mike,
I'm sad that this discussion has become personal for a few posters. Thank you for bringing up this topic and for voicing your views in an intelligent manner.
While I may not agree with you on some levels, I have gained some things to think about from reading the posts. My DD is almost 14 so I know the time is approaching when I'll be in this situation, also.
Please don't let the sarcasm drive you off the board. Many of us are willing to listen and learn from each other--even if we need to respectfully agree to disagree.
Keep the communication open with your children and know that you, as their parents, really know what's best for your situation.
Dani
Gotcha Dani , thanks.
A few of you here have 14 year olds (i have one of those also in my house!) and you're right, i can't even fathom her having sex as I couldn't fathom my now 16 dd having sex two years ago.
But as a proud owner of a 16 year old as well as a 14 y/o, there is a HUGE difference.
This 16 y/o is as tall if not taller than myself, wears the same bra size as her mom, and shares my CDs, books and movies as crude as those may be.
She's in (almost) every way, my equal as a mature adult.
(Of course in that brain of hers, she IS still 16, but damn.)
Again, the jump from 14 to 16 is going to be beyond your comprehension but believe me on this - you're in for a heck of a shock !
thanks, Mike.
Your point is well taken.
My words were sloppy.
My apologies.
Relatively sane? ROFL...
I teeter on that fine line sometimes...
jt, I agree, this is a very personal issue - I totally agree with you that our perspectives change as our kids develop. When my dd's were 13, 14, even 15, my views were different based on my own past experiences and what I wanted for them and thier futures.
As I watched my dd's develop and grow to a maturity level that I myself hadn't attained until almost my early 20's I know in my heart it's because of the way I raised them. My mother never discussed any issues with us in terms of an actual discussion - it was more like, "Over my dead body..." and then we'd sneak off and do what we wanted instead. I'd rather have it the way it is in my house than have them feeling like they couldn't talk to me about these issues and instead sneak around, KWIM? *I also think that my dd16's challenges has also helped shape the way I parent.
One of the beautiful things about this board is that we're all different and come to the table with our own perspectives and experiences. I've learned a lot and even altered some of my own reactions to certain situations with my girls at times.
jt,
I think what daddioe meant was whether or not they were in a blended relationship such as a stepfamily - that's the way I took it, anyway. In other words, just whether he had raised her...the "bio" threw you off, probably.
No.. I did not feel attacked, just misunderstood by my own doing.
It seems when relationships suddenly involve thrusting teenagers together under the same roof, the result tends to run the gamut from pure joy, to bewilderment about this new teenage creature, to complete annoyance that this moody teen "come with the package."
The original question is moot with the OP, but I'm glad it was pointed out to me.
Sometimes unintentional comments sting just as bad as a direct slam. I should have been more clear.
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