NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?
74
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:32am

My first post here and i'm scared !! lol. (I'm a Dad), here's the facts:

My D has *just* turned 16. She's dating a great kid, also 16. Polite, good to her, makes her happy.
Because of his horrible homelife, I allow him to sleep over at my house on weekends (rather than drive him home at midnight).
They sleep in the finished basement (no doors) on separate sofa's.
I'm sure they cuddle, kiss, etc. My wife has very open sex discussions with her and in the past she's said 'she's not ready for that yet'.

Just this past weekend my D asked my wife if they can investigate Birth control because she said she may be ready and wants to be protected if/when they decide to have sex. This obviously means they're going to have sex as soon as she's protected.
Her and the boy are both virgins so i'm not overly concerned with STD's, just pregnancy.

On the one hand i'm jumping for joy that she has this dialog with my her mom and that she's this smart as to ask for guidance and birth control - she's expressed interest in the Pill.

BUT On the other hand, I feel like a horrible parent for NOT being overly upset and ranting and screaming YOU'RE TOO YOUNG !!

Am I being stupid and too liberal ? She JUST turned 16. My wife is taking her to Planned Parenthood in a week or two where they'll discuss methods.
Is it THAT bad for a 16 y/o to have sex if she's on the pill and he's using a condom ?

Tell me we're the best parents - or tell me we're the worst parents ever.
I'm just so confused. Thank you so much in advance.

Mike.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 1:30pm

<<>>

yes.. thank you.
I'm never using that term again.
Sperm donors do not a parent make...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 5:13pm

No sarcasm or rudeness was intended. I simply stated my impression after reading your post's regarding your teen daughter having sex. You clearly stated that you and your family don't care what people think and that you can all hold your head high. It appears that is not quite the case since my comments were viewed as rude. Maybe it really does matter what people think about you after all ? I think a couple of points were made that you didn't have answers for which caused you to now lash out at those that made those comments.

As far as being uptight or bitter...nope not at all. Our families belief, is that we wait until marriage to have sex. You may consider that uptight but that doesn't bother me at all. Bitter...I am not sure what I would have to be bitter about? Bitter because my daughter has decided to save herself until marriage? I don't think so.

To each their own...you think it is ok for your teen to have sex, and I don't think it is ok for teens to have sex.

"Well, i guess my time here is near up. There are two posters here who are using sarcasm and rudeness to make their points seem more important than mine.
Fluteluver, insinuating that because I’m not appalled at my dd, that I won’t be concerned when she gets an STD or HIV ?
To the other few, you seem quite bitter and a tad uptight. Maybe you made some bad decisions with your own children - don’t be sarcastic with me and mine."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 5:49am
Dragonfly,
Yes, I did know how he meant it, but I still felt the need to say something. Most of the hurtful remarks made to or in fron tof my dd about her adoption have not been intentionally cruel, but rather thoughtlessly worded. And that was my point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 2:11pm

<<< I think it's awesome that you post here with all these other women.>>

Haha! That made me smile today. (I know you know, just the wording was funny)

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 7:42pm

Chiming in a bit late -- you may have already given up on this place -- but here are my 2cents based on being a 42 year old mom of an almost 15 year old daughter myself.

I probably would freak out but for different reasons I think. Not so much because I think "virginity is a gift". No it isn't. Its a physical state. This is a lovely, sentimental thought but lets be real here, there's no kids around -- sex is the gift. I think for me it would be more freaking about how my kid might get emotionally hurt. I worry about my kids' ability to deal with the intensity of feelings and emotions at that age. I consider the things I went through and I worry about whether my kids could deal with those things in life.

The thing about the type of intimacy that comes with a physical relationship where there is affection involved is that when the relationship is over (and realistically it will be some day), the hurt is just THAT much more when we recall the physical closeness we had. Can your dd handle being that close to someone and then have it end? Will she be confused by how one can be so intimate and then find that intimacy gone?

I snickered when I read one poster say that many people don't get older and wish they had sex at a younger age. I guess I must be the exception then because I WISH I did!!! I wish I did because the man I finally did sleep with and then marry ended up betraying and hurting me badly. Now I am in my forties, alone and too fat and old to start over and I so, so regret not having more close relationships in my life. I so regret leaving it all for one guy who ended up being such a jerk -- for wasting all my love on one person. Maybe if I had played the field a bit I wouldn't had been so willing to devote myself to this guy for so long...its difficult to express but it isn't always in one's best interest to have ONE lover, ONE relationship in your life.

I say whether or not you think your daughter is too young its kind of out of your control, realistically. What you need to do is ensure she protects herself from pregnancy and STD of course but also that she knows she is well loved and supported in her family no matter what and that when things go sour one day, she always has you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 9:16pm

<<>>

Well, now that someone else has admitted it, I regret not having sex earlier as well!

I've always been the 'good girl' , the 'good worker', etc and, frankly, it hasnt gotten me a whole lot in this life

I wish Id lived a little less 'good' and a little more risky

And my marriage is intact so it's not hard feelings there-more of a general feeling that I haven't taken enough chances at happiness

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 8:46pm

Wow you guys are funny LOL!! Not using sarcasm.


I read with intent because I think there is a larger sociological issue. Yes I get we don't want unwanted pg, STDs, our kids to get hurt....nobody wants that.


I'm puzzled (sincerely) why the state of virginity is an issue. It implies in archaic terms that you are spoiled goods afterwards. Thats interesting. Are we spoiled goods afterwards? (rhetorical). Do we really look down on others who have had previous sexual experiences? Secondly, is it really a gift? To whom is this gift given?? Why is it that the "gift giver" is female and the male is "taking" it from her? How much of our collective knee-jerk responses to this (including my own) is entrenched in dogma with no other thought other than "it just isn't right"?


I don't think chronological age is entirely relevant. I think there are plenty of mature 16 year olds, and lord knows

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:29am

Betty wrote "I had plenty of teen sex and I never felt like I was being used by boys or that I was simply trying to keep them interested (how sad). I also never forgot my BCPs. I really think it was fine. I don't have baggage and nobody scarred me. Any hurt I got, well its sort of unavoidable isn't it? I didn't die"

OH Betty ! Thank you so much. Your post DID help me and NOT because you were one of the few that validated my concern.
But you did validate what I thought was true all along: that a teen CAN have safe sex and SURVIVE afterward , lol !!

It is NOT the end of the world, they are NOT eternally damned and having sex at 16 will NOT make her a whore, but may actually make her a well rounded satisfied adult with one less regret. The 'gift' of virginity is an ultra right wing fable. Sex is between your ears, not your legs.

A lot of you wrote about how much it's going to hurt when this teen relationship ends.
Look, VERY few of us are today with the person we lost our virginity to.
Are we ALL emotional wrecks ? No. we all got hurt, then we all made it through just fine.

The stigma of "non virgin" is not an issue anymore. Who give a flying S&*^ if someone is no longer a virgin. I don't know one soul who looks down on a non-virgin.

I do not want my children to be 30 years old and have one or no sex partners. They're missing out on the true treasure - intimacy, closeness, and the physical pleasure.
I know my dd will be just fine after this teen breakup, her friends will give her a bowl of ice cream and a good shoulder to cry on. And she'll eventually move on to a new relationship.
If that makes her a whore in some people's eyes..oh well, get over it.
If that makes "flutelover" say things like "i guess it's ok for her to get an STD" ...i hope your children will be as safe as mine and won't get a disease either. If they remain virgins until their 40. Their choice, not yours and not mine to condemn.

Thank you all for your inputs, you really did help - the agreers and non-agreers.
I came her as a two time minority - a man, and a parent who is not afraid for his teen to have safe sex. I think i'm leaving this thread a lot more informed, and a lot more confident.
Mike.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 11:56am


I agree with this thinking. When sex is reduced to a commodity, something to trade (sex for love, sex for attention etc) this is when it's perverted. OR when it's given an inflated measure of your worth it gets dehumanized. Is viginity that valued? It's a philosophical dilemma and thats why it's a hot-button.


I try to approach this issue with my boys as a one of respect for themselves and for the people around them. I do the same with drugs and alcohol. I don't make it a moral issue, I tell them like it is. Just telling kids NO is almost like fanning their flames IMO. Didn't work for Nancy Reagan's drug war and it isn't going to work here. We can all laugh at me later when my naivety has me paying for diapers for my son's mamma-baby I suppose.


BTW the most hurtful relationships I have EVER had did not involve sex at all. THOSE left marks on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 1:17pm

Hi Mike,

I have been silent over the last several weeks - just reading the posts and not replying to any. I have read all the comments made to your original post - agreed with some, disagreed with others. And I'm not really here to make a comment on your 16 year old having or not having sex, but rather to ask whether you (or any of the other posters) would take the same or a different position if the teen was a 14 year old? For that is what I am dealing with - my 14 year old dd has declared her intention to have sex with her 13 year old boyfriend (albeit a very nice boy). Needless to say, I am not at all happy with this "decision" she has made and I have talked with her as to WHY I feel the way I do (the emotional feelings which may be involved, the physical risks that may be present, the intimacy and maturity issues, the reputation issues, etc, etc.) She said he has already obtained condoms, and I have offered to take her to the doctor for birth control pills. I have made it clear that this is not something I condon, and "no, you can not do it in my house" (Maybe, she should ask bf whether his parents would let them do it at his house??? ). I told her that the bottom line was that this had to be her decision and that I would always love her. So - any thoughts that anyone would like to share with me would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance (and sorry for "piggy-backing" on your post, Mike.

Amelia (A/K/A tired mom of a teen)

Pages