NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?
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| Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:32am |
My first post here and i'm scared !! lol. (I'm a Dad), here's the facts:
My D has *just* turned 16. She's dating a great kid, also 16. Polite, good to her, makes her happy.
Because of his horrible homelife, I allow him to sleep over at my house on weekends (rather than drive him home at midnight).
They sleep in the finished basement (no doors) on separate sofa's.
I'm sure they cuddle, kiss, etc. My wife has very open sex discussions with her and in the past she's said 'she's not ready for that yet'.
Just this past weekend my D asked my wife if they can investigate Birth control because she said she may be ready and wants to be protected if/when they decide to have sex. This obviously means they're going to have sex as soon as she's protected.
Her and the boy are both virgins so i'm not overly concerned with STD's, just pregnancy.
On the one hand i'm jumping for joy that she has this dialog with my her mom and that she's this smart as to ask for guidance and birth control - she's expressed interest in the Pill.
BUT On the other hand, I feel like a horrible parent for NOT being overly upset and ranting and screaming YOU'RE TOO YOUNG !!
Am I being stupid and too liberal ? She JUST turned 16. My wife is taking her to Planned Parenthood in a week or two where they'll discuss methods.
Is it THAT bad for a 16 y/o to have sex if she's on the pill and he's using a condom ?
Tell me we're the best parents - or tell me we're the worst parents ever.
I'm just so confused. Thank you so much in advance.
Mike.

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I agree, I just don't know how to do this. I'm not suppose to even have this information, so I don't know how to go about it. I was thinking about writing a letter or calling anonymously. Parents need to help each other, but I can imagine that the mom is going to blow a gasket and I hate to be the bearer of bad news...also, the dad has heart problems. It's just a horrible situation.
I can imagine they will handle this in their typical way: raise the baby themselves, let H. have little if any responsibility for it, other than getting to "play" with baby when she wants to. That's the worst possible scenario in my mind and one I can see them doing.
H. will continue to do what she wants when she wants with no real consequences for her actions,and now will have another life that will perpetuate more of the same.
Ironically enough, I'm 99% certain that H. did this all on purpose. Even in the situation she's in, she somehow thinks having a child will give her "unconditonal love". Are you ROFL yet? Guess she is conveniently forgetting how she feels about her own parents...oh, but wait: it will be different for her. It's so typical though: she obviously craves her parents setting limits for her, showing her that they care, and no matter what she does, they won't come through for her. So sad.
I once dated a guy whose sister got pregnant and never told her parents -- while living with them throught the entire pregnancy. Can you believe that? I guess the sister was overweight and wore loose and baggy clothes anyway, so everything seemed normal to the parents. I believe they did notice her getting even bigger and straight out asked her if she was pg, but she denied it until the end, only finally admitting it when she she went into labor. Talk about sticking your head in the sand!
But about telling the parents -- I honestly don't know what I'd do. I know you don't care much for H, but is it possible that you, as a concerned mother of her bff, could talk to her and tell her you know? Without your DD around, of course! She probably doesn't have any idea what she has gotten herself into. (I still can't fathom a 14yo having sex; the thought just absolutely blows my mind.) See where her head's at? And set her on the road to reality? Offer to talk to her parents, or go with her when she does? Just thoughts ... really, I don't have any really brilliant advice.
I'm glad your DD is making other friends though!
Are you probably the only adult that knows about this? I hope you can find a way to talk to her or her mom. The girl needs help from somebody sane.
My 14 going on 15 yo is not ready for sex. Heck she just started talking to boys this year. And even the boys she talks to are of the "safe" sort of nerdy variety or family friends. Any boys who are remotely a bit faster or of the "girl chasing" type she is very nervous around.
She hasn't kissed a boy; heck she hasn't even DANCED with a boy. But that's HER and there are girls her age who are mature enough to handle intimate relationships.
At her age I wasn't having sexual intercourse but I was more comfortable with boys. I had several "make-out" boyfriend type relationships. I wasn't intimidated by boys or shy. Could I have had sex? Yeah probably but I was one of these girls who was deathly afraid of getting pregnant so I was one of those "everything but" girls until I was old enough to get my own birth control pills.
Note that in Canada, the age of consent is 14. Consensual sexual activity is not criminalized if it is between people of 14 or over unless it is in a "relationship of trust" with someone over 18 (not really sure how that is defined). AND if the persons having sex are between 12 and 14 but with a person of 16 and under, it also is not punishable. So in Canada if your 15 year old gets herself a 25 year old boyfriend and they have sex -- you can't do anything about it.
So, do we have an unusual amount of teen pregnancies and STD? Actually....no.
Look, to me its about one's attitude toward sexuality and WHY they want to have sex. Is it about a personal decision to be intimate with someone one likes or cares for? Or is it about being popular and trying to find some sort of replacement for something lacking in ones life? Is it done with self-respect and care for one's emotional and physical welfare? Or is it done carelessly and in a self-destructive manner?
Thanks for responding, mom_dragonfly. Yes, I could have started a new thread, but I suspected all those AGAINST a 16 yo having sex would also be against a 14 yo having sex. I was mostly interested in hearing from those who thought it WAS ok (or MAYBE ok) at 16 to see if it made any difference if the teen was 14. I am just one very, very tired mom. My dd disappoints me in so many ways, I'm not sure I could even begin to describe it all. Anyway, yes, I have started (2x so far) taking her (and me) to see a psychiatrist. I am cautiously optimistic that this guy may be able to help us work through some of the conflict that is currently raging in our home. Again, time will tell. And I know my post is buried deep in this thread somewhere, but I have to "publicly" state that I am so glad I found this message board. Ya'll are the keepers of my sanity, and for that I am truly thankful!
Amelia
ummm, Remember me ? lol.
I think the reason she suggested a new thread was because this was MY thread, about my questions. I won't hold it against you :)
i guess i knew my answer all along but i wanted to know i was not alone.
My 16 y/o says she wants to have intercourse with her boyfriend because she 'loves' him and wants to be closer. Not because of peer pressure or to be popular. Not because he's pressuring her. She asked for bc pills and knows to use a condom along with it.
i wanted someone out in the real world to tell me that she's not a slut or i'm not a bad dad for not screaming and tying her to a chair.
Maybe MY personal views on sex are more liberal, but that doesn't equate to being dangerous.
Someone in this thread wrote this: "You have to stop your DD from having sex. Don't leave her unsupervised, get her into therapy"
I laughed out loud when i read that because I personally feel THAT is a dangerous attitude toward sex. It's not something that has to be evil, dangerous, wrong, psychotic, etc. Being a virgin is not a 'gift', it's something we're all born with. Do we treat your underarm hair as a precious gift ? I'll say it again - sex is between the ears, not the legs. that's where the pleasure and emotion come from. the intimacy comes from the brain, as does the physical pleasure of the act.
But we are all individuals aren't we, trying to do the best we can aren't we.
thanks, Mike.
Mike,
I've not responded until now. Although I feel it's very responsible that your DD came to discuss this and her desire for birth control, I do feel that at 16, most are not mature enough to comprehend what an emotional intimate relationship really is. I often feel the reason today so many teens are more open with us parents regarding such things is because they, unlike us have been taught about Aids not just pregnancy. We as parents must be doing something right finally although often it's hard to hear those words.
So many people are quick to run off to therapy regarding kids. I'm not saying it's wrong for the right situation, but sometimes I think IF only parents would deal with some of these kids as a parent rather then be afraid of them or as a friend, maybe things would be different. IF a teen wants to have sex, they will. Is a therapist going to stop that? Nope, and the therapist and parents just won't even know. I as a mother would rather know my daughter is protected.
Too late now, but I'm not sure I ever would have allowed those sleeping arrangements from day one. Just me though, we all only want whats best for our kids and part of that is keeping them safe. People often have their head stuck in the sand. "oh, not my teen, never." Well, their perfect little world is ripped wide open eventually. Never say never!
Hi Amelia,
I guess I'm one of the people who said it was OK for 16yo to have sex....KINDOF!!! I want to qualify that I do not think its OK for anyone to have sex at any chronological age if they aren't in the right headspace. Some 16yo ARE, some 20yo AREN'T. Likely a 14yo isn't. I would say to discover a 14yo who IS ready for a sexual relationship would be exceedingly rare and likely a time machine would be involved.
The fact that your daughter has conflicts at home, as you alluded to leads me to conclude that she is not mature enough to have a reciprocal adult respectful relationship sexual in nature or not. Of course this assumes that YOU simply aren't the problem. Hold on here, let me finish. The chances of home conflict being entirely one-sided are pretty outside, but only you can
I find it very interesting, mister, that for someone who was offended by the tone some of us took to your original post, you have suddenly turned things around. I find your above remarks insulting. Our views are different, yes, and that does not mean that YOURS ARE RIGHT and mine are wrong. The opposite is also true. I stand by my point that a 14 year old that wants to have sex needs therapy. I find YOUR remarks dangerous attitudes about sex. And if you don't agree, fine. But don't insult my own beliefs. I'll stop here before I start to get really angry...
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