NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
NOT overly concerned about teen's sex ?
74
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:32am

My first post here and i'm scared !! lol. (I'm a Dad), here's the facts:

My D has *just* turned 16. She's dating a great kid, also 16. Polite, good to her, makes her happy.
Because of his horrible homelife, I allow him to sleep over at my house on weekends (rather than drive him home at midnight).
They sleep in the finished basement (no doors) on separate sofa's.
I'm sure they cuddle, kiss, etc. My wife has very open sex discussions with her and in the past she's said 'she's not ready for that yet'.

Just this past weekend my D asked my wife if they can investigate Birth control because she said she may be ready and wants to be protected if/when they decide to have sex. This obviously means they're going to have sex as soon as she's protected.
Her and the boy are both virgins so i'm not overly concerned with STD's, just pregnancy.

On the one hand i'm jumping for joy that she has this dialog with my her mom and that she's this smart as to ask for guidance and birth control - she's expressed interest in the Pill.

BUT On the other hand, I feel like a horrible parent for NOT being overly upset and ranting and screaming YOU'RE TOO YOUNG !!

Am I being stupid and too liberal ? She JUST turned 16. My wife is taking her to Planned Parenthood in a week or two where they'll discuss methods.
Is it THAT bad for a 16 y/o to have sex if she's on the pill and he's using a condom ?

Tell me we're the best parents - or tell me we're the worst parents ever.
I'm just so confused. Thank you so much in advance.

Mike.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 12:54pm

huh ? not sure what I wrote that was so offensive.

Because i chuckled when I read you saying a 14 yo needs therapy because she shows an interest in sex ? or how virginity is not a gift ?

Do you really think that a shrink is an answer to the moms problems ? Do you know what a can of worms therapy would open ?
The girl would be mortified, angered beyond belief, and not listen to a word the therapist told her and would more than likely make the 14 yo run for sex even quicker.

Also, no therapist would try to talk her out of having sex if that's what you may think.
They'd be like planned parenthood in that case. They're not there to make the judgement call.

If that's really incredibly insulting for me to say, maybe you shouldn't read my posts anymore.
Mike.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:26pm

The discussion has gone several directions.
While I have no illusions about my DD being a virgin on her wedding day, and I don’t consider non-virgins “damaged goods”, I am adamantly opposed to her having sex at an age where:
1. Relationships last a few weeks or months.
2. They have no real experience in relationships.
3. Priorities are appropriately school, family and sports.
4. It becomes my responsibility if she becomes pregnant.

Sex belongs in an adult committed relationship. Call it my conservative values if you want, but the majority of liberal therapists who share that opinion can’t all be wrong. To state there are 30 years olds who have no business having sex is irrelevant. To cite examples where others have “done it” at 14 and have grown up unscathed is irrelevant. To state that it is “her body” therefore her decision is not factual. She is a non-self supporting minor whose decisions potentially affect every member of the family. The dangers of flying in an airplane are also irrelevant.
Sure, my DD could come to me and express in very mature terms how she is ready for this big step. They’ve heard it all on TV. I will calmly go over everything we’ve gone over before. To deny that teenagers are sexual beings is just banging one’s head against the wall. There are plenty of other ways to explore their new found sexuality without putting themselves at risk.
Then, if necessary, I’ll give her the BC she needs and not think less of her than before. She knows my opinion on the subject.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:27pm

Hi Betty,

Thanks for responding, and I appreciate what you said. Yes, maybe if I was the nut, it would be easier to understand my dd's responses to me; however, that is PROBABLY not what's going on here, LOL. On the positive side, my 14 yo dd does not appear to be moving any closer to actually acting on her expressed sexual desires. Yay!! (IMO, there seems to be way too much pressure coming down on these middle schoolers from their peer group, so that they "think" they have to do it; I just wish she would hang out with a different group of kids!).

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:18am

Amelia,


You're (probably) not a nut LOL!! I agree there is sooo much pressure on kids to have sex. It was still rather taboo when I was a teen (25 years ago, oh that hurts to say). Its sad how sexualized everything has become. It's like a byproduct of capitalism. No I'm not going to quote Marx here LOL! I sincerely wish you good luck with your daughter. Betty

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