Not sure how to proceed...

Avatar for soccermom03
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Not sure how to proceed...
8
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 3:27pm

DD14 and DS18 have never been close- they've fought like cats and dogs since DD was old enough to swing back. Since DD started high school this fall and they've been riding back and DS has been driving her back and forth they have gotten closer, plus they now have some mutual friends. DH and I have encouraged this budding closeness as we are both from closeknit families and have good relationships with our own siblings.

A couple weeks ago we forbade DD from seeing her exboyfriend again. They had split up and he manipulated her into saying she would go back out with him. He is a creep and we had all had enough. A week ago Friday DD went out with a pack of friends to visit haunted houses and on the way home the boy who was driving them hit a deer. Everyone was shaken up but okay. DD and her girlfriend called DS to get come get them, and DD claimed she was so upset DS' number was the only one she recalled the speed dial number for, plus it was late and she thought he would still be out and about and didn't want to drag DH or I out.

Sunday DS confided to me that the reason DD called him to get them was because the accident happened when they were on their way home from dropping exboyfriend off at home in the next town over. She didn't want to call us because then we would know she had seen him (seeing him is the only reason she would have been over there). He felt like we should know, but at the same time he doesn't want us to say anything to her because then she will know he told us and not confide in him anymore. He yelled at her quite a bit for seeing exBF and told her hitting the deer was "bad Karma getting her back" for sneaking around.

I understand why DS went to pick her up and why it took him some time to tell us, but I am livid at DD for sneaking around and expecting her brother to lie for her. I'm also not too happy with her best friend who went along with her and covered for her all evening. I don't want to betray DS' confidence in me by letting her know he told on her, and there really isn't any other plausible way I would know except for him telling me. We plan to crack down on her even more, but I am still so angry with her and so mistrustful. Grrrr!!!

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Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 3:42pm
Uggghh - I'm so sorry that this happened.
Pam
Avatar for mily12
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Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 3:50pm

When faced with a similar situation, my DH and I have chosen not to pursue it. My two (21 & 17) are finally getting along. They now talk to each other and confide in each other. We had a similar situation present itself to us this past summer when my DD told us about something her brother had confessed to have done. If we'd discovered it on our own, we would have grounded him, however, since our only source of information was our DD, we left it alone. Our DD, like your DS, delt with the situation just as we would have and so we felt it was more important to not betray the trust.

IMHO, this is one of those situations where we have to weigh the pros and cons. Good luck.

Mily

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Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 5:24pm

I agree with Mily in that you should keep this one under your hat. What DD told DS was in confidence and you should feel lucky that DS told you. Just keep your eye out for the next time DD seeks out WB and deal with that occurance. It's nice that DD can confide in her older brother - let's keep it that way!


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Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 5:56pm

I tend to agree with the previous posters. Sounds like she learned her lesson and ds gave her the lecture too. No sense breaking the new bond they are forming.

Good luck :)




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Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 8:00am
Since I agree with not saying anything either, I wasn't even going to post, but there is something that's bothering me here. More then the problem you posted about, I appear to be in the miniority here because I'd personally have a problem with a 14 year old in a car with a "pack of friends" and a "boy" driving at her age.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 9:07am

If the location of the accident is a give away, surely you could use discussing the accident as reason to ask "I just heard the accident was in Xtown. Why were you there? Were you seeing BF?" You could be fuzzy on the details but act like it was insurance, accident related information.

Of course she might tell you Xtown was where the haunted house was......

If you are going to crack down more, you kind of have to have a reason for this change, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 11:03am
Maybe the older bro could convince your DD not to see the ex BF anymore since obviously parents don't know anything, but she might listen to him.
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Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 3:04pm

My youngest DD had one of those very manipulative b/f's. It can be very scary and I understand why you are not allowing her to see him. We also wound up going that route. I also understand that you would be upset at DD for putting DS in that position and for lying to you.

I don't think I would say anything to her just yet about it and watch her even more closely in the future. Sometimes, they will listen to the older siblings when they won't hear mom and dad. Youngest DD would call oldest DD and tell her all sorts of things about us - she would tell her that we grounded her b/c she didn't pick up her clothes or something like that. Truth was she was usually in trouble for lying to us. Her sister called us one night and was livid at us for grounding her sister over some stupid something. When I informed her that that wasn't why little sis was grounded, big sis called little sis and raked her over the coals for lying to her. Then she made little sis tell her why she was grounded since I wouldn't tell her. Then the older one chewed her out for doing that to. Little sis learned then at least not to get big sis in the middle and not to lie to her.

I would, however, watch her very closely. During this time with my youngest, I even drove by places she was supposed to be to make sure the ex b/f wasn't present and that DD was where she was supposed to be. If she went to someone's house, she had to call me from their house phone so that I could see the number on caller ID. I would just explain to her that after accident you are concerned for her overall safety and that you are going to be taking a closer interest in her comings and goings and let it go at that.

I'm kind of surprised at my stance on this b/c I usually confront things head-on with DD.

Good Luck!