now what???? DD, sex and gyno...
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:10am |
Hi,
I am really glad this board is here, and am hoping for some advice or direction on where to go with this next....
My DD (who will be 17 next month) I have just learned, has had sex.
A little background...I am a single mom of 2 daughters, my ex-husband chooses to have very little involvement, especially with my oldest dd. She has been a really good kid. AND, still is basically. ;-) She is an honor roll student, she is a dancer, who dances 5 nights a week, so she keeps pretty busy. All of this "teenage" stuff just caught up with us pretty quick. A year ago we did the fancy sweet 16 party, her and her friend had it together to help with costs, it was all real nice....Then the year that has followed has been very challenging. So many of her friends are drinking now, it is being excused by their parents, etc. In fact, she went to a "sweet 16" party for one of her very good friends last month, and come to find out, the theme was "beer pong" The mother supplied the alcohol and had both boys and girls sleep over. My things have changed in a year!
So, I have tried to keep a very open relatioinship with my dd. I talk to her often about all of these things. She got a boyfriend over the summer, who was 18 at the time (he is now 19). He is a good kid, and when the summer ended went off to college (whis is about 2 hours away) I really thought this would probably end things between them, with him being gone so much. BUT, to my surprise he still comes home EVERY weekend. And, they have been together about 7 months now. I have repeatedly talked to her about sex, and coming to me if there came a time that she was thinking about it, although not condoning it for her, I would much rather her be protected. He was a virgin too. We have had numerous conversations about it. I really thought she was going to come to me if she was getting ready to have sex. I was wrong.
She had been having irregular bleeding from her period. In fact she said that she has now had her period for more than 20 days straight. I made her a gyno appt. I also had asked her if she was telling me this BECAUSE she wanted to go on the pill. She said no.
As the gyno appt. was getting closer, we were talking more about it, I was telling her what the dr. might ask, what the exam could be like, about the cervical cancer vaccine, etc. Her appt. was yesterday. I asked her right before we were going if she had had sex before she started bleeding. She said no, not before it. I said are you telling me that you have had sex, but not just before you started bleeding. She said yes.
I can't say that I am shocked. But, disappointed that she didnt' come to me. And, truthfully the thought of her having sex makes me sick to my stomach! So, apparently they started having sex in December. And, have been using condoms.
BUT, what now???? How do you handle it once you KNOW they have had sex? I am sure I am not going to stop it now. But, do I just go along letting her think it is okay to be having a sexual relationship? Do I have a big discussion...not in my house? I really dont know where to go from here. I had the dr. talk to her about birth control, and she did get a prescription for the pill. She is having an ultra sound and blood work done for the bleeding. But, what now? Any advice?
THanks!
Jen

Pages
Jen,
How incredibly frustrating!
I could have sworn I replied to this post already...
I can understand your feeling sick to your stomach about the thought of your 'baby' having sex.
Hugs to you Jen - I'm walking in your shoes today, though with my DD 15 1/2 and her 16 y/o b/f. Just 2 months ago, DD was pretty insistent on remaining a virgin until she was at least engaged. In the past week I've found out that she and her b/f have recently become sexually active, they've been together 4 1/2 months - not long enough IMHO to take that step, but I can only talk, I can't be with her 24/7 and be involved in that decision. She's on the pill and they're also using condoms (which his mom buys for him), but I still worry about her emotionally.
I've told her not in my house, and this isn't going to change anything as far as overnighters, curfews, etc., just because I know and am willing to provide birth control does not mean I approve or have to make it easy for them. It's really hard though, because this is my baby (she has 3 older brothers) she is still so very young, and we honestly like her b/f a LOT. He's kind of a composite of all three of her brothers, we can see traits of each of her brothers in him, and it tends to be the traits of her brothers that she most enjoys about them. But still.... she won't be 16 until July. And yes, I know the age of consent in our state is 16, and her b/f could potentially be in trouble, but there is just 7 months between them, DH and I are not going there.
Rose
Hey {{{Jen}}}. BTDT with both of my dds. They both came to me almost immediately following thier first time - my 17dd withing hours, which left me very unsettled to be honest.
The thing with coming to you first is that it's just not a usual reality. Because they know that you will try to dissuade them from taking that step - so please let that go. It really wouldn't have changed anything anyway.
I'm going to tell you what I think: Keeping the lines of communication open is really important, but do not beat a dead horse. You can enforce the 'not in my house' rule (I certainly do!) and you can try and make sure they have unlimited time spent alone, but if they want to have sex, they will find a way - that doesn't mean you make it easier for them, but you do have to be realistic about the situation now. Your dd has had sex, you KNOW they've had sex, and chances are they will continue to have sex, especially now that she is on the pill. I think the best thing you could do is teach your dd about proper hygiene, making sure she goes pee after sex to cleanse the area and not get UTI's. Explain to her the importance of double protection by using condoms along with the pill. Be real with her. Learn to accept her as a sexual being, for that is what she is. Just because she's not married or isn't at what you deem the appropriate age or time in her life for a sexual relationship doesn't mean she isn't ready for it.
You say she's a great student and dancer - those are wonderful attributes - do NOT allow this one thing to diminish who she is in your eyes. If you want to keep her talking and you want her to be open with you, then you must accept this part of her natural development and be there for her. There is no need for you to imagine her having sex or being sexual. Why would you want to do that to yourself? Instead of dwelling on what you hate about this newest development, figure out where you can take it from here and build on the already trusting relationship you already have with your dd. It is so important because as she navigates her way through this and future relationships, she will need you. And if you alienate her because of your own discomfort with her sexuality, she will not lean on you when she could or would. Best of luck; easier said than done, I realize.
In regards to the drinking, I have to repeat what I've always said...your concern should be on your dd. If another parent breaks that law and you feel compelled to report him/her, then go for it. But the bottom line is that if you and your dd have had open discussions about alcohol consumption at parties, etc., then you really have to trust your dd to do the right thing. If she proves that she's a liar and cannot be trusted, well, then you alter her social life. But in the meantime, thank goodness she is open with you about all of these things - kudos to you! My dds tell me everything and at times I have to bite my tongue, but I'm so grateful that neither of them is into drinking, smoking pot or partying all the time.
I agree with all the others.
If this helps, I have a dd who 19 and a freshman in college. She has been with her b/f for 2 1/2 years, but they were only together for 6 months when they became sexually active. His first time with anyone, her second, but her second being another story which I won't go into. Her b/f is a great guy, they are very close. It never seemed to hurt the relationship, in fact, it brings them closer. Yes she did tell me, I had the same feelings you are having. I just kept thinking I can't talk to my little girl about this stuff. Of course, we do not discuss details, I do not want to know anything.
It does get easier to get used to. I just had to get the mindset that my little girl wasn't a little girl anymore. It is kind of nice now, we talk a lot about a lot of things and we are really close, still mother and daughter, but best friends too.
It is so hard watching them grow up, but it can be fun too.
Take care,
Andie
Sorry to hear this, Rose.
Well, an empty condom wrapper in the pocket of her pants when I'm doing her a favor and washing some of her jeans is pretty much a dead giveaway. Checking her cell text messages included one from T saying "my mom got some more condoms" - another giveaway. My first thought when I read that was "WHAT WAS HIS MOM THINKING???" - but that quickly gave way to she's thinking the same thing I am - if these kids are going to be sexually active, we want them to be safe and responsible about it. I'm not thrilled that my 15 1/2 y/o DD is sexually active, but that really isn't my decision to make for her. All I can do is encourage her to be safe and be there to pick up the pieces when she gets her heart broken. I finally asked her on Monday, "If I promise not to freak out, will you promise to be honest?" Head nods. "Are you and T having sex?" Head nods again. "Be safe, EVERY time." Head nods again. End of discussion. That night N told T that I knew - and he hasn't shined his face around our house since.... he told N he just felt awkward about it - this is the first time the girl's mom has known before there were consequences to be paid - he has a child out there somewhere that he and the girl involved gave up for adoption in July. I've known that for awhile too - which is part of the reason N went on the pill "to control her periods" a couple of months ago... I figured where he wasn't a virgin, chances are this step would be taken well before it would have been if he were.
But you know, this little piece of information hasn't changed who my daughter is, and it hasn't changed who her b/f is. I think she was almost relieved to "fess up" just coz she doesn't like being in the position of not being honest with mom, it just eats on her conscience something awful.
I'd like to believe that she and T will be together for a very long time, just coz he IS her first, but realistically, at 15 and 16 yrs old, she's likely to have several more b/fs before she reaches adulthood.
Rose
<>
]] Brilliant, Rose.
Good, I am glad he feels awkward!
Pages