now what???? DD, sex and gyno...
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| Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:10am |
Hi,
I am really glad this board is here, and am hoping for some advice or direction on where to go with this next....
My DD (who will be 17 next month) I have just learned, has had sex.
A little background...I am a single mom of 2 daughters, my ex-husband chooses to have very little involvement, especially with my oldest dd. She has been a really good kid. AND, still is basically. ;-) She is an honor roll student, she is a dancer, who dances 5 nights a week, so she keeps pretty busy. All of this "teenage" stuff just caught up with us pretty quick. A year ago we did the fancy sweet 16 party, her and her friend had it together to help with costs, it was all real nice....Then the year that has followed has been very challenging. So many of her friends are drinking now, it is being excused by their parents, etc. In fact, she went to a "sweet 16" party for one of her very good friends last month, and come to find out, the theme was "beer pong" The mother supplied the alcohol and had both boys and girls sleep over. My things have changed in a year!
So, I have tried to keep a very open relatioinship with my dd. I talk to her often about all of these things. She got a boyfriend over the summer, who was 18 at the time (he is now 19). He is a good kid, and when the summer ended went off to college (whis is about 2 hours away) I really thought this would probably end things between them, with him being gone so much. BUT, to my surprise he still comes home EVERY weekend. And, they have been together about 7 months now. I have repeatedly talked to her about sex, and coming to me if there came a time that she was thinking about it, although not condoning it for her, I would much rather her be protected. He was a virgin too. We have had numerous conversations about it. I really thought she was going to come to me if she was getting ready to have sex. I was wrong.
She had been having irregular bleeding from her period. In fact she said that she has now had her period for more than 20 days straight. I made her a gyno appt. I also had asked her if she was telling me this BECAUSE she wanted to go on the pill. She said no.
As the gyno appt. was getting closer, we were talking more about it, I was telling her what the dr. might ask, what the exam could be like, about the cervical cancer vaccine, etc. Her appt. was yesterday. I asked her right before we were going if she had had sex before she started bleeding. She said no, not before it. I said are you telling me that you have had sex, but not just before you started bleeding. She said yes.
I can't say that I am shocked. But, disappointed that she didnt' come to me. And, truthfully the thought of her having sex makes me sick to my stomach! So, apparently they started having sex in December. And, have been using condoms.
BUT, what now???? How do you handle it once you KNOW they have had sex? I am sure I am not going to stop it now. But, do I just go along letting her think it is okay to be having a sexual relationship? Do I have a big discussion...not in my house? I really dont know where to go from here. I had the dr. talk to her about birth control, and she did get a prescription for the pill. She is having an ultra sound and blood work done for the bleeding. But, what now? Any advice?
THanks!
Jen

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Thank you ALL! for all of your kind words and advice. I knew this was the right place to turn!
I also liked your approach, Rose, with the if I don't freak out will you promise to be honest.....
I'm really glad that my dd's boyfriend won't be coming home from college this weekend, it will give us some extra time alone to talk. This is the first weekend since Sept. that he has not come home. I really just want to make sure she understands just how easy one slip up could completely change her life.
AND, even though this sounds silly, and even feels strange to admit to, I feel somewhat "cheated" that my daughter has told some of her girlfriends about her having sex (which is expected) but, that they have shared it with their moms (as my daughter has shared with me some about what her friends do) And that these other moms knew intimate details of MY daughters life, before she was comfortable telling me about it. It is a strange feeling.
And, I do realize I have to let her grow up. It is so hard sometimes!
Thanks again all!
Jen
Rose
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