Oh, I am not ready for this stuff!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
Oh, I am not ready for this stuff!!
9
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:17pm
Hi, I am in and out here from time to time. My middle child is giving me fits. I know boys will be boys. He is 14 and they just got cell phones. They have rules about times and such. Well I got the bill and checked for times and saw 2 past the time, not long calls but still, well they are 800#'s so can see where I am going with this. I called them, they are sex #'s. Now what. do I take his phone??
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:25pm

I'd assume he'd have to have a credit card to do much on those calls...? Anyway, maybe he did it on a dare, saw something on the web, a friend said something, etc. I think what I'd do is ask him about them, and point out you have access to all the numbers he calls, and that you'll be monitoring it. Check his reaction; lay down more rules, but use this as a 'first offense' (for my ds14 it was downloading jokes and ringtones once, but that required a monthly subscription - so he paid til I could cancel) and let him keep the phone provided he can stick to your rules/monitoring. JMHO

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:36pm

When my son was 15 I caught him looking at porn on the inet. While calling the sex#s might not be as bad, if you do nothing it's likely he'd end up on porn sites if he's not already. After viewing a PBS/NPR? video online about dealing with kids and porn, I had a long talk with him about when sex is okay, respect for girls, predators on line, normal behavior vs. porn addiction, etc. Never limited his inet usage, but then he was never on it a lot to begin with. And I did (and still do) check the history to be sure he no longer visited those sites.

If you have a talk with him, you probably don't have to take the cell phone away. Good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:53pm
Why does your 14 year-old need a cell phone?
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 2:06pm

Well, BTDT, sorta. Before the age of cell phones, my older ds, when he was in middle school I believe it was, well, he and some of his buddies called one of those 900 numbers from our home phone. They got it from one of their dad's Playboys. The rule at our house is: your house, your friends, your responsibility. When I got that phone bill, I was shocked! They racked up over $100 worth of phone calls in that one afternoon! When I finally got to the bottom of it, ds had to pay me for phone bill and then it was his responsibity to get his money back from his buddies. Cost him nearly all of his Christmas/birthday money he had been saving. I did of course, call all the moms, and for the most part, they made their sons come over and apologize to me and pay ds their share of the bill. Ds did get stiffed by at least one boy, and maybe another. Anyway....my point is, he made a mistake and he paid for it. Literally. I don't know that I would take away his phone as this was his first offense. If they were 800 #s then they may not have cost extra (on top of just minutes used) but I might figure out maybe some form of monetary repayment for "wasted minutes". Or, you might, as some parents do, make him turn in his phone to you at night so he can't use it past his phone curfew. But figure out a way for him to earn it back (or just give it back after a certain amount of time) so he can earn your trust in him back. Of course, there is the obligatory lecture of trust, and that you can check who he has called at what times, etc. that will accompany all this. :)

And I never did get another phone bill that had 900 #s on it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 2:15pm

Yes. That's exactly what you do. You'll be the bad guy (in his mind), but he'll know that he violated the rules and that you mean business about cell phone usage.

After that, you'd be wise to address the sex phone issue. I'm recommending "Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation" by Stephen Arterburn as a "read" for every young man, but especially those struggling with porn or sex lines. If you (or your husband) have to read it with him, so be it. I think this is a "nip it in the bud" issue.

My heart goes out to you because I know you won't be "popular," but it's one of those "gotta do it" things.

Good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 4:27pm

Did you state a consequence for going over the time(not sure if you meant minutes or time of day)?

If so, I would follow through with that consequence only because he broke the rule you set for use of the phone

The fact that this was a sex line is really a separate issue IMO and should be addressed as such

I 'expect' my boys to explore pornography at some point. I certainly dont encourage or provide it but I expect curiosity and easy access to meet at some point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 7:55am
Yes you take the cell phone away or at the most, give it to him only when absolutely necessary. At least until he shows more responsibility. Also, you need to have a long talk with your son about respect and privilege for what you give him . Perhaps he was just experimenting or put up to it but whatever, he should be making better choices if he expects the use of a cell phone. After all, you are the one paying the bill.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 8:42am

I wouldn't take the phone away, but would definitely have quite a talk with DS. When my DSs were 15 or 16 I found internet porn sites on my computer - had them come sit with me while we looked at the stuff together, talked a lot about respecting women, the bizzare view of sex that these sites promote - never had a problem again.

IMHO, the teen boy who doesn't at least TRY to access porn in some way is very unusual. They've been trying it for centuries, the technology has changed over the years as has the graphic nature of it, but the drive to look for it has been consistent. True, back in the 30s "porn" was looking at women in skimpy lingere, but back then, it had the same shock value on people's values and mores as todays porn has on us. Sometime talk to moms who were raising sons in the 30s about this... the more things change, the more they stay the same. But it will always be the parent's job to instil morals and values in their children.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 12:52pm
get ready, this is the perfect opportunity to talk to your son about sex if you havent done so already. the reason kids do these things is because parents have their heads buried in the sand and dont want to talk to their children about sex, about drugs,about alcohol, etc... the attitude is if i dont talk about it it wont happen. not so. this is the age when your son is curious and the hormones are raging. use this incident as an opportunity for dialogue. yes he violated what you told him about the cell phone and that needs to be addressed but that is not the major issue here. this is a welcome opportunity for you to begin a new and wonderful close relationship with your son. i would ask him why he felt the need to call these numbers and go from there and tell him that his body is going to go thru major changes. i have a son who is also fourteen and he comes to me for everything with every question. after you have discussed that it is not okay to call these numbers, then tell him there will be consequences in the future. why make him feel ashamed if you have never had a discussion with him. there is an opportunity in everything to get closer to our children in everything that happens.
i hope this helps.