Oh sage BTDTs, WWYD?
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| Thu, 01-26-2006 - 11:17am |
I've recently become a part of this board and it's been a Godsend. We don't always agree, but I've gained much from the different view points. Today I need your experience.
Quick history:
DD "K" is 13.5 and in 8th grade. Also have 5 yo DD. Married 8 years. Ex is one of my best friends and a 99% great and active father.
We don't have major problems in the grand scheme of life. K is fairly irresponsible with chores, etc. because we have only recently realized (1-2 years) the dis-service we were doing her by not teaching her those things. She knows what buttons to push (what kid doesn't) and we have been in counseling for about 4 months to learn how to work together on some of the issues.
BF has been a big one. He is 15, 9th grade. Was in the same school last year, transferred the beginning of this year, and is back now. The schools are in separate buildings on the same property. I have been trying SO hard to compromise and let her do things that we as parents feel are appropriate and acceptable--group gatherings, parties, I've taken her to watch his wrestling tournaments, etc. That is a BIG change for me because I am still against them having this focused on each other to the exclusion of all else relationship.
The only reason that's relative is that she's getting more of what she wants in terms of seeing him (of course she's asking for much more so we still fight) but she is sliding backwards in the baby steps she had taken toward responsibility. Now her schoolwork is suffering and her attitude is getting worse on a daily basis.
K is a very intelligent, personable kid with leadership tendancies. She doesn't have the best influences as friends but I can only affect that in tiny ways. She is in the honor choir at school and is part of a quartet that is headed for a major competition next month. She is supposed to practice daily and doesn't, regardless of how many times I suggest, ask or demand. This morning I get a call from the school telling me she has received her 6th tardy in two weeks from the same class-1st period honor choir. Then I get an email from the choir director telling me she got disrespectful and nasty in front of the class. She's even suggested she be kicked out of honor choir for not practicing.
In other classes her grades yo-yo because she is too lazy or irresponsible to turn in the work on time. She had a 32 in math last semester that she pulled up to an 82 in the last week of the period because she suddenly turned in all the work.
K is the queen of excuses and NOTHING is EVER her fault. It gets tiring. I won't let her out of honor choir because it's the easy way out. She enjoys singing, she just doesn't want to be told when/where/how.
This is getting too long. Sorry. My question is--I feel that some type of consequence is in order for 6 tardies in two weeks. She has asked to go to a friends bday party this weekend and then spend the night with one of the girls that will be there. Is taking away both things enough, too much, not related enough? I'm having a hard time with this--her only job in life is to be a student and she is SO capable. Since we take her to school every day I'm considering walking her in to class for a week or so. Not a major embarrassment, but enough to make the point.

I have an 8th grade dd too, she just turned 14. I can really relate to the attitude problems, but frankly your dd sounds better adjusted than many, and just like a normal teenage girl to me....
At my teens' schools, the natural consequence of that many tardies would be a lunch detention, and if they fail to attend that it becomes an afterschool detention, and at least in the case of my middle schooler, that means a phone call home to the parents.
My ds is sometimes late for 1st period, and I do take him in the mornings so sometimes it is my fault. Just my two cents, but escorting her to class is a little over the top for this offense, would be extremely humiliating, and would probably have much worse consequences than being tardy for 1st period.
Hi
My DD is 14 in 9th grade and this year I've seen a big change in her ability/willingness to take responsibility for her own work/grades. I think starting HS and knowing the grades start to "count" was a big motivator - Also some maturity helped. Last year all her teachers were "mean" and "dumb" (all of them? LOL). This year she said "I figured out that if I want good grades, it's up to me" (really?!) Your DD sounds like a great kid who may be experimenting with some independence and testing limits.....exactly normal at this age. I think your punishment is just about right - enough of a loss of privilege to make the point.
Also, talk to her about Honor Choir - what's going on? Does she realize she may lose this? Does she still want to do it? This could be a passive way to say she's not that into it right now? Or a way to get more attention from the choir leader? Or she wants time with bf before school? If you can get a handle on the problem, you might be able to help her solve it.
Sue
Your DD sounds like a fairly normal 8th grader, or maybe I should say she sounds a lot like my kids were in the 8th grade... boys and DD both.
I've always let the school handle school related issues, if they're not getting ready for lunch detention or after school detention, you could always talk to them and tell them that's what you want them to do.
Thanks, ladies! It helps so much to know I'm not alone. :-)
We talked last night and, of course, it wasn't her fault. I did empathize as much as I could. I did ask her to write an apology to the teacher. She swears she wasn't disrespectful or rude to the teacher and that I always believe "her" (teacher). Knowing her I can well imagine her reaction, so I simply told her I believe both of them and that she didn't feel disrepectful but that's the way she came across.
I also took away the priviledge of the birthday party. That was devastating to her. It's so hard to watch them grieve for something they really want.
The best excuse was when she tried to blame us for not getting her to school on time. We drop her off between 7:20 and 7:30 and school starts at 7:50. I was amused with that one. I did tell her that she never expressed a problem with it and if we don't know it's wrong we can't change it.
So thank you for your thoughts. My life analogy has been that I'm a duck--all appears calm on the surface, but I'm paddling like h*ll underneath!