Oh .... where to begin ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Oh .... where to begin ...
7
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:29pm

It's been awhile since I've posted here - still see a lot of familiar faces. I guess I just need a place to vent and let it all out.

I am the mom of a wonderful 14 year old girl and I feel that the gates of hell have opened upon me.

My dd has a good head on her shoulder - but she is just 14 years old. She has never been one to give in to this whole dating thing because she's always seen it as kind of stupid. In middle school - what's dating. The boy and girl meet outside each classroom and talk - maybe on the weekend the parents get wrangled into chauffering them around to movies, mall, whatever! I know it can get dangerous out there and she tells me that there are kids in her school having sex already - I'm frightened beyond words!

She has dabbled in the dating thing - each time "dating" a guy for 1 day and then deciding it was not for her. Well - here's the root of my vent - please bare with me. Two weeks ago she came home and told me that this boy had asked her out and that she would really like to go out with him. We have a very open relationship and I listened to her - met the boy - met his parents - and decided that she could try this. For me it was more of an experiment to see just how mature she really is. So, for two weeks they talked on the phone every night - they instant messaged back and forth and they went on two dates - one to a movie (I drove and chaperoned) - one to dinner with his parents. This weekend she told me that she is just not ready for this whole dating thing. She said she felt it was really crazy that he asked her out one day and is crazy in love with her the next day. She said it was overwhelming and that she knew she was not ready for a boyfriend yet. HALLIELUAH!!!

Not only am I very happy about this - but very proud of her for making this decision by herself. So, the only thing I insisted on is that she be honest with him and tell him herself - no hiding behind e-mails and instant message screens. She did me proud - she called him and she told him that she likes him a lot as a friend and that she misses the good ole' days of just hanging out and having fun and that she is just not ready for a boyfriend or dating yet.

Well ...the boy has freaked!!! He has lost the love of his life (this week) and keeps calling the house - making prank calls - making snide remarks to and about her. She is just miserable because she has lost a good friend over this. She'll get some pampering from me - I'm proud of how mature she is about handling this. But I'm concerned that the boy is just being too emotional and it's hurting her.

Ok - sorry to go on so long and sorry to be away from the board for so long. I knew this was the place to come when I needed to "talk".

Any words of wisdom from anyone?

Jem

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:45pm
Hye Jem - good to see you.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 4:18pm

You are right to be proud of your dd - she does, indeed, have a good head on her shoulders. I've found boys around this age to be farily clingy when it comes to the object of their affection - at least that's been the case with my dd and her friends. I know the feelings for them are overwhelming and, despite what we as adults know - to them it is true love.

Most likely, you can just wait it out. You could screen her calls for her - explaining that she isn't available and she can ignore him online. If he gets mean at school, you might consider putting a call in to the prinicpal or something. These "relationships" are failry short lived - he'll lose interest soon enough.

In the meantime, talk to your dd about how she should expect a guy to behave .. she'll learn quite a bit by his bad example!

jt

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:20am

I think a call to the parents of the boy would be appropriate. You met them, they seemed like decent people. I bet they have no idea. Without information, they can't guide him in his heart break. He is probably telling all sorts of half truths and outright lies. If they are armed with the truth, they can help him work through it in a less painful way for all those involved. I know as the mom of a boy, I sure wish the girls parents had been more open with me, rather than assuming my son is a jerk. This last break up was really, really hard on him, came out of the blue and the mother is refusing to talk to me so I can't be of any help. Just knowing her side helps me to help him work through the dissappointment and pain.

Sounds like this boys acts are immature, but his pain is probably very real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 8:51am

My heart goes out to this boy because I truly like him and he's not a bad kid in any sense. I liked him the minute I met him and could not have asked for a better first love for my daughter.

He is in pain and I do believe it's real - he's sad and he's confused and it will pass and he'll go on. What I'm trying to do now is help my dd to handle this in a mature and honest fashion. I want to be sure that she's talking with him and helping him understand what happened and why. To some it might seem silly - but for me it's part of her learning how to deal with men in the future and how to have healthy relationships down the road.

I don't have boys - only the one dd - but I grew up with 5 brothers and we were very close and I know what they go through from the first time they started to like girls to their current relationships.

It is nice to have the perspective from the mother of boys - thank you. I did talk with his mother last night and I explained to her that my dd is just not ready to date - she finds it overwhelming and she misses the friendship that the two of them had before the dating began. They used to talk for hours - hang out - have fun - and that all changed - it became awkward once they started dating and she didn't want that - not with someone that she truly loves as a person and a friend.

Last night the two of them talked for a little while and she tried to explain her feelings to him - they agreed to hang out again and be friends and keep it open to dating down the road if they both still felt that they wanted to.

Jem

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:04pm

BTDT on a very major scale. For the first few weeks, I would just be patient and try to ignore it. A book I read made the statement that if after 3 letters, 15 phones and 110 e-mails, you respond, you just taught the 'stalker' that this is the cost of your attention. Stalking is an extreme case and I am by no means saying that this is what is happening but the principle will probably hold true. If you AND DD ignore this, he will learn that she is not interested in responding to this type of behavior and he will either give up all together or try a more mature approach to get her attention. If his behavior continues beyond a couple of weeks, I would talk to him myself or talk to his parents and ask that they explain to him that this is not appropriate behavior.

Good Luck and it's good to have you back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:05pm
Hmm... do you think you could talk to his parents? I know my DD would just die if I did that, but since you have met them already maybe they can be of some help in this. It sounds like their DS really needs them right now.
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:53pm

I'm glad you talked to his parents. I think it's really great that you are trying to help you DD handle this in a mature and honest fashion. It's important that she is able to communicate it with him, but also that he is able to really hear it for what it is. If we can only teach our teens to be really honest with each other, things can be so different for them. Maybe, as adults, they can leave behind the lies and just have honest relationships with other adults. No more "I'll call you tomorrow" junk.

It's very positive that dd and the boy were able to have a talk last night. This could be a relationship that really lasts forever, when they are both ready. Your dd is so smart to realize that if this is a romantic thing and it ends, she loses the friend. I've gone down that road too many times and lost very good friends because they weren't the right romantic partner for me.