OK... how do you all deal with parents
Find a Conversation
|Sat, 03-29-2003 - 5:14pm|
I've been hoping several other posts would be between this one and my last one as I don't want to appear like I'm dominating the board but here goes.
My dd turns 19 in June. She lives at home, works, and is in school part time right now upgrading her math to university level math and has registered at a college & university in our city for the fall to go full time and continue working part time, as she has now for 4 years. She is maintaining a 90 average. She is respectful, has excellent work ethics, sets her own curfews and is rarely ever home later than 11 on weeknights and 1:00 weekends. Sets her own goals for grades. And she's had a very long term bf that she's spent the last 4/6 yrs with. (with a 2 yr split in between). He works full time.
My whole family live out of town. My parents live in "L", 2.5 hrs south of us. My dd's passion is travel. Her dad gave her a trip last yr as a grad gift; she chose to take a 2 wk vacation she planned herself for the better part of a year, and chose to go with her bf. I made the decision that a relationship with her was more important to me than having a nervous breakdown over traveling together before marriage. There's a very good chance they will end up married (but in 4+ years, so as far as I'm concerned, anything can happen in that time) but this possibility is well known to my family and much be-moaned.
They say it's bcause she could 'do so much better'. They say it's because he dropped out of HS (something I'm not in agreement with but it's not my child nor my choice here). A most recent comment by my mom was asking how my dd was, and upon hearing she was ugrading her math and registered for one of two places here for the fall, and then asking how the bf was & hearing he was working full time, she remarked, 'I'm SO glad he didn't manage to drag her down with him". I asked why she'd worry about that; that I didn't believe he'd do that nor did I believe she'd allow him to do that either. No comment. But while these are valid reasons for concern, they weren't crazy about him before either, when he was till 14 and in school. They are not crazy about teens, period. They have wanted to hear truly nothing about her her whole teen years unless it was 'how is school', period, and even that was rarely asked about her. I really haven't a clue what esp my mom's issue is; my sister thinks it has to do with my dd just being in a longterm relationship or that my mom has something bothering her from when she was a teen, pregnant at 19 and unmarried (with me!); my sister was pg at 19 and unmarried, but married to him now in an excellent marriage; my 3 siblings put my parents thru h*** in their teens and my sister thinks my mom's objections have more to do with that background than my dd per se. They do not want to get to know him either in person or through hearing about him. He is never mentioned in my convos with them. So it's not just about them traveling together either; that was just added fuel. It took me till two weeks AFTER she returned from her trip to even TELL them she'd gone.
So now the problem? My dd's boss, B, has offered the bf and my dd a business opportunity; to open a new business, like a franchise, and have the bf and my dd run it. He would front them the money to start it; they'd repay it over 5 years. His business is very successful. The business would be owned outright by them after the initial debt was repaid, which could be repaid sooner if they chose to work it that way. Everything over the monthly payments to him would be their profit. They could continue to run it with employees or without. The boss wants to set this up in the same city as my parents live. My dd could go to the university there. I could live in a house my parents manage for much less money per month. The bf would live with his sister who lives there; my dd would continue to live with us. My dd and bf are still seriously debating this and have made no decisions.
Me? I guarantee there'd be ongoing problems with my family. Right *now*, this is annoying and sad to me but my dd is pretty much unaware of all of this and loves her grandparents. I realize this is *their* problem but talking to them has resulted in the phone being hung up on me; trying to ask what it is they don't like resulted in "WE just DON'T". Once saying that while I understood their reservations regarding the travelling together or lack of education the kid has (who is gifted in so many ways but one of those who 'fell thru the cracks' in school due to a LD; in spite of that, I would lay everything that he will succeed at anything he chooses to do), that there was a whoooooooole lot less objectionable about HIM than about my ex - whom my mom STILL buys b-day gifts for and happily talks about him - in spite of knowing how he cheated several times, including trying to with my own sister, knowing the violence and rages he exhibited and controlling & demeaning ways he treated me - but that just drew silence. They KNOW that he treats my dd well; they know that he is helpful to me; they know that my younger dd thinks of him as a big bro and adores him ...
Sorry for the length of this post. This is really just bothering me to no end. How DO you deal with such situations? Ignoring it definitely doesen't make it better, esp when it's the mom who gets to apparently decide when something is going to be ignored and when something isn't. Talking has not helped at all. Leaving the subject completely undiscussed for YEARS except for the odd comment she's decided to make has definitely not changed a perspective or made it less of an issue.
ANYONE WITH ANY IDEAS??? Thanks.