OMG...just got worse. Found porn..lots.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
OMG...just got worse. Found porn..lots.
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Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:01am

OK, now I am panicking. Just had a conversation with DH AFTER finding TONS of porn on SS computer. I mean tons of it, he was on it until 2 am last night. I am grossed out. We have had this issue before and it has been going on for YEARS at this point. I went back in his history and EVERY night without fail when we go to bed he is onlie surinf filthy porn. Not the kind whwn we were kids, "skinemax" and dads old playboys..I am talking raunchy nasty stuff. Even cartoon sex games that you control...meaning when you click the mouse...ummm things go into places...totally gross.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:10am

Have you tried the disengaging technique yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:39am
Well your DH obviously isn't big on being a parent. I think most parents, if they knew their kid was looking at porn to excess, would just put some kind of filter on the computer. I'm not an expert but I know it could be done, or just not let the kid have a computer. IT's not that hard. From my reading it just seems like there are so many divorced dads who won't set any limits because they are afraid their kids won't like them or won't visit them. It's kind of sad because they aren't doing their kids any favors.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:41am

<<>>

Well, you're not really disengaging if you're checking the kids computer history. What made you feel that it was your responsibility to check it? Dad's not bothered, so why are you tying yourself up in knots about it? Will tying yourself up in knots accomplish anything positive? Will it get dad to be a better parent?

Lots of kids (boys) will surf porn. Most parents will find out and put a stop to it, but it's a relatively normal thing for boys to want to do. And, even if the behaviour is allowed to persist, it really won't make the kid go blind, or turn him into a monster, or anything seriously bad like that. It's far (like a million miles) from ideal, but it's not really directly affecting you, so you might want to seriously consider just staying away from his computer. Remember, hysterical blindness is your friend, LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 12:49pm

You've probably already gleaned from my other posts what I'm going to say. To me, the idea that you can just completely disengage from this is crazy. First of all, if you really love your spouse, you are going to have a hard time "disengaging" from what he loves and what affects him. Now granted, this kid is not sounding very lovable to me at this minute, but still, he IS your dh's son. He's going to be in your dh's life for a long time. Are you really able to just disengage? He will always be the elephant in the room. Secondly, I would be VERY VERY worried that some of this will come back to bite you. He's underage and looking at scary porn. God knows what else. I'm guessing school isn't going well if he's up til 2 am or later... this kid lives with you, right? Or at least part of the time? I don't know... if I had ANY kid in my house surfing disgusting porn sites, I'd be very worried about a possible problem for me. What if he moves on to kiddie porn? It's YOUR house and YOUR network he's surfing. This is dangerous. PLEASE insist on family counseling. You may not be able to change your ss. You may never have a relationship with him. But, I don't see how this isn't going to affect how you feel about your spouse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 1:29pm

Not his computer, not his house, not his rules.

Susan L.



Robert Edward Xavier Lin - Born July 31, 2010 at 5:56AM, 6 pounds 4 ounces and 19 inches long. He spent 2 weeks in the NICU but he's doing great now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:02pm

I hope you are the OP.

There are two things I think you should do immediately. One put your foot down with DH and have HIM enforce the following:

Computer comes out of house for at least a year,seriously, this is such a breach of trust and he's obviously a little too interested in this and it will only get worse. He can go to the library if he needs to use one for school.

Two: if he, DH, refuses to do that set a user account just for DS and put the most serious parental controls on it.
As for your admin/house account, password protect it and do not under any circumstances let your SS or anyone else know the password.

Three: DH must tell DS that this is disgusting, will no longer happen and that he needs to apologize to you for bringing into your home something you have both found so gross. As for using your name, again let the DH handle that.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:50pm

I'm on the side of those who say this is a BIG problem.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 4:49pm

Well you are going to get an earful from me.

First of all, I do not for one second think your SS is a bad person. There is an open computer with porn just waiting for him in your living room. And when you go to bed he has free reign. He's not sick for looking, just curious.

What's sick is the images. I don't care what any woman or man says about it not corrupting their minds, it's gross, it's degrading to woman and it's not at all what real intimacy or sex is like in the real world. Most of the girls are sex addicts or drug addicts that pose which again is sick.

I had this problem and it made me so mad at myself that I didn't do what in the end was so simple.

Take your computer and put a new user on it. Make yourself the administrator. Put a password on your admin account and NEVER and I mean NEVER give that out, even to DH if necessary. Then take SS account and put parental controls on it that are at the highest level. If he can't call up certain things for school make him go to the library to look up what he needs. If you can't do these things then take the computer out of your home for many many months. I'm serious.

My problem did not get too bad, but I have a friend who is a psych DR and he said he counsels many men who are internet porn addicts and they have ruined their lives as a result.

For those posters who pooh pooh this stuff as "boys being boys" I say ignore them, they don't know how damaging this part of the internet really can be to everyone involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 5:26pm

<<>>

And what if DH goes out and gets him a new computer? What if DH thinks that he can handle this without step-mom's intervention?

All the ideas presented (in this and previous posts) are awesome ones (sorry to have "picked on" you Fullmom, LOL), but they are totally dependent on DH going along with it. I hope that he does.

If DH doesn't then I strongly urge the step-mom to just stop checking the kid's history. Ignorance is bliss.

FTR, our computers at home are in an open area, and are password "locked" when not in use by DH or myself. DS is supervised when he's on them. Why? Because we caught him surfing porn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 8:20am

Good parenting and great points!

In my state it's now illegal for teens to talk on phones or text when driving. Parents are worried about how their teen will handle that, with good reason I might add.

I took texting away from my DS after he had it for 10 days when he was 15. I was really mad at him. I got over it of course, but never put it back on his whole high school career. I never worried that he'd text while driving, nor text in school, or text at some dinner table, or text while working because he didn't have it. I can't tell you the relief it brought me. And he survived. I wish I'd taken away more technology some days, it's just such a distraction. Interestingly, he cared very little that he didn't have it. And trust me his friends got really used to him not having it and found other ways to reach him. Why do we just assume our kids need all this stuff when they will surely have it when they're older?

Wouldn't it be great for all of us if our phones were disabled by the very act of turning on the car. I know many put theirs away till they reach their destination, but most don't and it's really a problem.

I'm guilty and work hard at not using it when I'm driving. I don't text though, that's just insane isn't it?

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