Opinions needed please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Opinions needed please!
12
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 5:03pm

Hi everyone!

Opinions/comments please. Two weekends from now my daughter, myself, my friend and her daughter are going on a weekend holiday 10 hours away. This trip has been planned since April and the airfare and hotel is already booked. My husband is an avid camper and ATV'er and usually spends the occasional summer weekend out "with the boys". I am usually home holding down the fort as that is not my bag. My 18 year son who now has a car (you've all seen my posts about him) is still home but not working YET. I warned husband way, way back and up until now that I need him to be home that weekend as I wont feel comfortable going that far away and leaving DS home alone. Husband proceeds to tell me this morning that he now will be going away the weekend I am planning to and says DS is 18 years old and will be fine at home on his own. I am so angry! I said no, he knew I had this weekend planned and I will worry the whole time I'm away thinking of DS home alone being a new driver now with a vehicle let alone the worries about parties (although son is not a drinker but it just takes a few kids), fire, not locking doors, etc. (you know what I mean). I have no family or friends that can stay at the house and DS really only has one friend and they have animals - DS is allergic and can't really stay there too long without getting all stuffed up and sick. Son can't go with him because we only have one ATV and he would be bored staying back at camp the entire time. Husband wont take turns with him either (I know, I know - been thru this 100 times).

I am so upset about this whole thing. Husband's selfishness is horrible but I shouldnt be surprised - he's been like this all his life. Even though DS has a lack of friends, it only takes one to communicate that there's a free house and look out - been there done that! Where do you get to the point where you can trust your teen or should I say adult teen alone? HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 6:05pm

Personally I'd dig deep and send ds to spend a nice weekend with Grandma, or Uncle Joe or any other relative that has no pets.

stacy

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 7:10pm

I agree. He won't like it but too bad. He hasn't shown any great lengths of responsibility or reliability so he shouldn't be surprised.

I certainly would not cancel your plans. And as for your H - good luck trying to get him to see it your way. IMO, it' s just not worth the argument. Take matters into your own hands and do what you have to do. Go away and Have fun!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:56am
Hire a housesitter (preferably an older, retired person) to stay and keep an eye on things. Many retirees are looking for a little extra cash.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:53am
I understand how upset you are. My DH can be very selfish as well and it is so infuriating. However, I am going to disagree with the other comments and say that while I am not familiar with your previous posts regarding your DS he is 18 and you said he is not a drinker and only hangs with one friend. Your plans were made well in advance before DHs so why should you have to spend your extra money to put your mind at ease?? Moms worry no matter what. So whether DS stays at home or flys to spend time with family somewhere you will still worry about him. The only way you wouldn't worry as much would be for him to stay at home with DH but since that is not going to happen and DH doesn't have a problem leaving him home alone then maybe this is one of those times when you let your DH handle the situation and leave him completely responsible and hold your breath and pray.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 12:02pm

Thanks for all your responses. I have thought this over a lot and have decided to give DS a chance to prove he is responsible and let him be on his own for the weekend. Although he hasnt been very reliable in ways of school or holding a job, he has never given me reason not to trust him otherwise with regard to the drinking and partying. I know there's always a first time but I guess I have to remember that he is 18 and an adult now. He could be moved out on his own and I wouldnt have any control over him then anyway. I know for a fact that he's not a drinker - for his 18 birthday he was content to go out for dinner with us and his friend, I bought him one drink which he only drank a quarter of, then spent the rest of the night playing video games.

I will have husband sit down with me and we will have a chat with DS before we go. I am also going to talk with a couple of neighbors and ask that they just watch over the house and maybe check up on him a bit while we're gone. It's only for 2 nights. Maybe by next weekend he'll have a job (at least HE BETTER) and that will keep him occupied for most of the time anyway. I'll also have my cellphone with me and he can call if there's an emergency.

Husband still infuriates me! This is a tough one but I guess I have to trust him sometime. If something DOES happen, husband will be up the preverbial creek.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 1:43pm

Didn't you give your ds an ultimatum to move out in July if he still does not have a job? Maybe I'm mixing you up with another poster...

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 3:35pm

go on, take your trip, and enjoy yourself. BUT, lock up tightly anything you have that you don't want passed around at parties, or take those things with you. Seriously, I'm not trying to embarrass anyone, but my brothers looked all through my mom's things when she was out of town and her "toy" got passed around at parties. Of course, she never, ever knew, still doesn't, but all the boys friends and most of mine, knew and handled her private things.

And if anything bad happens while you are gone, DH is the responsible party for scheduling for the same weekend as you. He knew better.

I just got back from being gone for 3 weeks. DH stayed home because ds18 couldn't get the time off without losing his job. Still, I let the neighbors know that the 2 of them would be home alone, just in case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:26pm

i thought your ds was supposed to be out of the house by now.

i know that you really want to go away for the weekend - but i don't understand how you can trust your ds. sorry - i don't really have any real advice - other than telling you to change the locks on the doors and tell DS that he can't be home for the weekend....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:56pm
"but I don't understand how you can trust your DS" - are there issues here that I'm not aware of? From what I remember about this boy, he's not terribly motivated and lacks initiative - depressed and dropped out of school, etc. - but I don't remember reading anything about him being really foolish or reckless. Unless I'm wrong about that, I'd have to side with the "give him a chance, but take some precautions" camp. On the other hand, if he HAS demonstrated some really poor choices and there is a good chance of disaster, I wouldn't risk it - but locking him out if he has no place to go doesn't seem very wise, either!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 3:21pm

Yes, he lacks motivation, quit school and still hasnt found a real job. He is delivering papers in the morning right now and is making about $400 a month cash. Not satisfactory and needs another job I told him. The car we bought him last weekend is in the shop right now getting road ready so after that I will push him big time. Yes, we are passed the kick out date of July 23 but I have now given him the extension due to the car situation plus he is at least doing some papers.

Given all this, he has never given me reason NOT to trust him. Doesnt drink, smoke or do drugs and not a partier (at least not yet). I have decided to give him the chance and see what happens. I have talked to a neighbor who will look in on him and keep an eye on things which is good. Not the ideal situation but he is 18 and an adult. I told him he's never given me a reason NOT to trust him so dont start now. I guess I'll find out next Sunday.

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