opposite sex friendships?
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opposite sex friendships?
| Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:12am |
my dd14 is "best friends" with a boy who is gay. they want to have sleep overs. i am opposed and my dh is extremly opposed. the kids get so upset about this and insist that they would never be attracted to eachother. i see their point, but kids can be so experimental. i dont really think my dd would do anything crazy, but she is so spontaneous that she shocks me sometimes.
ive left them alone to run to the store in the past and ive had friends tell me i shouldnt do that either.
im just looking for some feedback.
ive left them alone to run to the store in the past and ive had friends tell me i shouldnt do that either.
im just looking for some feedback.

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Can I interject for a moment here? As the mother of two gay boys (15 and 18), both of whom have a plethora of female friends, as well as having several gay male friends myself, I just want to offer my opinion - understanding, of course, that only you know your child and can assess their capabilities.
My boys have girls sleep over all the time - in their rooms - the doors are always open, and to my knowledge, there has never been any inappropriate behavior. As to the poster who said "they mmay not be sure of their own sexuality at 14," without sounding like a "know it all" (which I am not), I pose to you a question that a gay friend once asked a straight friend - the conversation was as follows:
D(Gay Friend) - I knew when I was 12 that I wasn't like the other boys, and by 13, I knew I was gay - and attracted to boys
E (Straight Friend) - that's impossible - you can't possibly know for sure at 13 - that's ridiculous
D - really? So when you were 13, you weren't sure whether you liked girls or boys?
E - No - I knew I liked girls
I find it interesting and amusing that we consistently question whether gay teenagers are "sure" when they come out - or indicate a possibility - because after all, they're so young.
Those of you with straight children - at what point did you ask your daughters "are you sure you want to date boys? Have you given any thought to the fact that you might be gay?" You didn't - because their HETEROSEXUALITY was taken without question. We ourselves knew, when our hormones started racing, who we found attractive - there was never a point where we got to pick...I never once, in my life, found myself attracted sexually to women...and neither have my sons.
It's true that there are hormones racing all over the place - and experimentation as well - but if you're concerned about kids experimenting because they're hormones are out of control, I'd prohibit same-sex sleepovers as well - because from what my kids tell me, THAT'S where all the "uncertain" experimentation happens - particularly among girls.
For the record, my children can have opposite sex sleepovers whenever they want. They ARE prohibited from having same-sex sleepovers - unless the other boy is in the living room on the couch, and my son is in his room with the door closed (I sleep with the door open). They are also not allowed to have boys in their room unless the door is open.
Basically, I apply the same rules for "same-sex" activity that you with hetero children apply to "opposite-sex" activity - because of the difference in our children's sexuality.
I hope this didn't sound defensive - I'm dealing with sick teenagers and am swamped at work lately, so I'm a little on edge - please take me with a grain of salt.
Thanks for your well wishes, madiesmom. My poor 18 year old DS (how often do I say THAT?) had to go onstage tonight in a show that is basically about him (well, about his character, anyway) with at least 20-30 people in the audience specifically to see him, some of whom had never seen him before. With a head cold, and a custom made set of fangs, he gave the performance of a lifetime. Only MOM, who knows what he can do when he's NOT sick, saw his compensations - and I was darn proud.
Just to comment on this situation again, I am laughing as my son and his best girl friend go upstairs to go to sleep. The conversation:
DS: You can either sleep on the couch, or you can sleep on the floor in my room (God forbid he should actually give up his bed).
Mom: Actually, you can sleep in T's room (DS15) - he's visiting his dad for the weekend. His room is actually warmer than any other room in the house.
D (friend): You mean I can have a bed?
DS: Nooooooooooo! I want you in MY room.
D: F*** that! I'm sleeping in T's room.
And to sleep they went.
I never meant to judge you and suggest you questioned anyone's homosexuality - and of course, you should not assume that all DD's friends are straight (or that they're not, for that matter).
And it IS true that kids question their sexuality at young ages...but to be honest, it's usually the GAY ones who are questioning, and not because they're really not sure, but because as they begin to realize that they're not "the norm," they see the future it holds for them - and as tolerant as we may have gotten in recent years, they're still the "outsiders" where society is concerned.
One thing I have seen, however - a 14 year old boy who declares his homosexuality is most likely gay - unless they're manipulative enough to try to "use" it to get closer to girls, to actually come out at that young age, they're usually sure.
You do share a valid point - both with straight "girls" AND with straight "women."
A short story...there is a little superstition that says that when the clasp of your necklace is in front of you, and someone notices it and turns it around, you're supposed to make a wish. My best friend notices it on me more than anyone. When he takes the clasp of my necklace, I close my eyes, open them again, and say "Nope - still gay." LOL
The truth is, this will happen whether or not they have sleepovers...in school, social activities, etc. There is a trend (very disturbing to me) of gay teenage boys "making out" with straight girls because it's "fun." It seems everywhere I turn, people are making out...and yes, I can see this as giving the girl the wrong idea.
The only thing I can comment is to know your child - and your child's friends. My son has been "out" since he was 15 (and we knew way before then and chuckled at his young teen relationships with girls). His social circle consists of girls and boys, gay and straight, and they all know him and he them. He has helped his girl friends with their boy troubles, and they have helped him with his - often both knowing both parties involved. As an actor, he also has a large age range of friends - also male and female - also gay and straight. There isn't a straight girl he associates with that thinks they're going to "change" him, and being intricately involved and knowledgeable of many of his friends (and their parents), in my son's case, this is not a danger.
I won't say none of his straight female friends have never developed crushes on him - but they've also developed crushes on inaccessible straight boys...in most cases, the girls really do see the gay boys as "girlfriends."
The other thing I've noticed is that there is far more tolerance in my son's generation than there was in mine at his age, and the teen generation is definitely the first that almost universally believes in "genetic predisposition." They know they're straight, and he's gay, because they were all born that way (anyone who questions that, as I've said, need only look at every teenage boy in my family - it was a sweep unlike any I've ever seen), and I am not the only parent I know with more than one gay child. They are far less likely to believe they can change their friends than older people.
But they do think they make excellent prom dates...they dress well, are attentive to the girls, dance up a storm...and they can sit and "dish" about all the good looking guys together :)
My best friend's dd is best friends with a gay boy and he sleeps at thier home all the time. He sleeps on the couch downstairs and the dd sleeps up in her room, right next to her parent's room. This started when they were about 16/17 and it's never been a problem. Once, the gay friend asked if HIS significant other could stay over with them, and that's when my friends said, "no way".
I can totally see you and your H being uncomfortable with this but perhaps some more discussion is in order so you can be assured there will be no experimentation. OTOH, it's your house and your rules, if you want to say no, then just say no -
In my experience sleepovers of ANY sort in the teenage years is just asking for trouble -- seriously. There's just something that happens when the lights are out and parents are asleep and teens think that they are free to do what they please... Everything from sneaking out to drinking jags to sneaking people in to trying drugs -- you name it. And yes, I remember reading a "myspace" account of a kid in the area who had a few girls over for a sleepover, they got a little messy baking stuff and goofing around and ended up taking a shower -- TOGETHER. Yes, the page included accounts of examining each other's body parts in detail. And the whole time mummy was home.
Teen years are rife with experimentation and to me the issue isn't whether the boy is gay or not but that any teens spending way too much time together, alone, is asking for trouble. Alot of parents here may not agree with me and can point to plenty of "innocent" gatherings at their home but I'm a bit of a skeptic in these matters remembering how easy it was to fool MY parents when I was a teen. They seemed to prefer remaining comfortably oblivious...
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