OT-Reliquinshing parental rights?
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| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 2:52pm |
Without writing a book it will be hard to give you the background on this, but here are the highlights:
DH has a son (C)who will be 15 in July.
DH has never been an active part of C's life. A few brief attempts, but nothing meaningful. We haven't seen him for almost 7 years even though he lives 25 miles away.
C has been raised by a great stepdad and has a younger 1/2 brother.
I've never learned the real story behind this whole deal, but DH is extremely bitter about the X (gf, never married). I believe, from info gathered from other family members and friends who were around at the time, that DH had been seeing X for a short time in a non-committed way and got "caught". X wanted to get married, DH ran.
X and I have conversations from time to time about C and we get along fine. I talk to her maybe 2x/yr. She doesn't understand DHs behavior either.
I'm not making excuses for him because A) I totally disagree with the way he's handled it and we've had more than one heated argument over it; B) there's nothing I can do.
Cutting to the chase: DH was served notice today that his child support is being increased by $100/mo. It will still be less than my X pays for our DD, but DH makes very little money (a story for another day...he's looking for a new job). X didn't instigate this, in MO your child support is reviewed every five years.
DH is livid. I told him flat out the only way to change it is to sign away parental rights because, like it or not, "you're his dad." He said "No I'm not."
Does anyone have any experience with parental rights issues? I'm really concerned about the emotional toll it would have on 15yo SS. It's bad enough that his dad doesn't want to have anything to do with him, but now 15 yrs later he signs off completely. How damaging would *that* be? And will DH look back on it years from now with regret?
Should I try talking to an attorney first to see if there's a way to keep from increasing the child support? I do need to find out what the age of emancipation is in MO--we probably only have 3 more years of support to pay (maybe longer if he goes to college).
This is a biggie--I'd appreciate any insight you can offer.
Dani

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I really can spell! That should be Relinquishing...
Sorry, fingers were going too fast!
I'm in MO too - and I don't have any major advice but do know one piece of info that you might want to know. A good friend of dh's went through divorce about 18 years ago, and his wife had such a good lawyer that they forced the guy to pay for the kids' college. And she was so vindictive (no clue why) that she gave the kids the choices of the top 10 most expensive schools they could get into. And he paid because he had an awful lawyer. This can happen in this wonderful state of ours. So be sure your dh has a good lawyer...
Sue
Thanks, Suzy. We're lucky that there's no real open hostility and the X hasn't done anything to fuel the fire. The system just stays involved.
I'll definitely keep a note of that info--just in case. *I* would want to help SS with college if we can, but I have DD in the same grad year so it would be almost impossible...And I doubt DH would want to help.
*sigh* This is such a mess. More because of my DH and is inability to explain, discuss or consider.
Hi Dani,
I know and understand you're kind of stuck in the middle with this situation, but I've been divorced (now remarried) and wanted to add a couple things to this topic as well.
I hate to even say this, but it really doesn't matter if your DH "wants" to help with college or anything else for that matter. The courts decide, not him. So long as he's been paying and his name is listed as the birth father, he's responsible for this child, no matter how many other children he has. The birth mother at ANY point in time can go to court to request things be added etc., including college.
Regarding the other issue of possibly giving up all rights to this child. I know a couple where he (the bio dad) had for whatever the reason, the same feelings you've described about your DH. He did contact an attorney, flew to a different state to have a face to face with the birth mom (has never met the child) and asked her IF her husband would legally adopt the child (then teen). In the 2 states (diff ones then yours), the law was something like, the rights can only be given up if there was someone else willing to adopt such as a step mom/dad. This bio mom thought it over and contacted the guys attorney saying no. Basically, even though she felt the child belonged to her new husband fully, she didn't want to give up the income from child support. About a year after that, she went into court and was awarded college costs.
And btw, you should NOT be making any calls to lawyers about this. IF anything is to be done, your DH needs to handle it. This IS his child.
It's a sad situation. Thing is, this guy I spoke of regrets ever opening the can of worms in the first place. Just something to think about.
Thank you! You absolutely see this for what it is.
I'm not sure if his stepdad wants to adopt him or if it's ever even been addressed.
I'm not making any calls or trying to get involved (I learned that lesson when I tried to get a statement of child support paid to date when we bought our new house), I just want to have information ready to offer my husband. Unfortunately I wear the pants in our family and have always been the action taker. It's frustrating to both of us that he has to do it--especially when he'd rather stick his head in the sand (or kick sand like a child...).
Luckily the X has --so far-- never been vindictive or tried to stick us for unreasonable amounts. I don't know if the couple hundred dollars a month makes that much difference in their lives that they wouldn't consider adoption, or if she hopes my DH might someday come around, or what. There are just too many shadowy corners in this whole thing.
I may just have to let this blow over and he'll either accept the slight decrease in his miniscule paycheck or he'll be grouchy at me every Friday for the next x # of years until it's done. Heaven knows he'll never talk to me about it.
Thanks again!
Dani
You are correct to be concerned about the later affects. While each child is different in how they handle things like this, in the back of his mind, he will know that his dad "gave him up".
My vry best friend pursued this when her dd's were about 11 and 13. They are now 17 and 19 and they haven't had a normal relationship. In fact, they are both in counseling because they just don't understand how thier father could have signed the papers goving them up. He, unlike your H was married to thier mother, my friend. They divorced when the girls were 4 and 6 but from that point on he was verbally and emotionally abusive to both girls and was in their lives very little. He 'forgot' to pick them up, he showed up wasted half the time when he did remember, he once moved into an apt that was really small and allowed his GF's dd to sleep in a bed, but had his dd's sleep on the kitchen floor in sleeping bags. Eventually, my friend met and married a great guy and he wanted to adopt the girls, so my friend sought relinquichment of the exh's parental rights. She dangled in front of him the fact that he would no longer be responsible for child support, he took the bait and signed the papers.
Just last week the oldest dd in counseling was crying and couldn't stop asking what was wrong with her that her father gave her up. She said she was grateful for her adoptive father, but will always feel a sense of loss about her bio dad and his family. (They have had no contact with the entire family in 10 years).
Obviously theirs is a different situation, and since your H's son hasn't ever really had any contact with him, the impact may not be anywhere near as devastating. I would move slowly. Is there any way you could bounce this off the mother? You never know, she may be just as happy to cut that chord as well and she would also be able to provide some insight into how strong the boy's bond is with the stepdad, which would give a clue as to how he may be affected by a change like this.
Best of luck -
I commend you for trying to keep things friendly between you and the X, as well as being concerned about the impact of relinquishing rights on the child.
Personally, I think it's harder for a child to deal with emotionally if a biological parent comes right out and says "I don't want you" via relinquishing rights than it is if they're just absent.
what a mess...
what does your husband mean by this: <> is there any doubt as to him being the biological father?
I honestly don't know if signing off parental rights is worse than just 'not being involved'. my son's bio dad has had nothing to do wtih my ds for years - since ds was around 5 (he is almost 20). and that, in itself, has been devastating for DS - because even tho he won't admit it, he is extremely hurt by it. I don't know if it would really make a difference if his father would go to court and 'sign off' his rights .
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