The other shoe dropped...
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| Sun, 10-15-2006 - 11:13am |
I posted a while ago about my DD14 and her totally unsuitable boyfriend of over a year. They were "on a break" and DD was having a great time exploring single life and making lots of new friends at her HS. She started seeing a nice boy who is also a freshman and part of the same group of kids she runs around with. It was just a casual, friendly thing and they mainly went out with the whole group. DH and I were very happy and comfortable with this arrangement and DD was happy as well.
The boyfriend reappeared last week, demanding a reconciliation or he would sever all ties with DD. At first DD stood her ground, then at the end of the week caved in to him, claiming she "loved him too much to throw it all away and never speak to him again" (gag). This was the last straw for DH and I. This kid has done nothing but manipulate DD, put her in harm's way both physically and emotionally and play with her mind. DH and I agreed that we would not allow her to see him again, and told DD this on Friday. I felt his parents needed to know this so I called his mother on Saturday to tell her that we felt it was in DD's best interest that she not see (bf) anymore. I didn't say anything disparaging about her son, just that DD doesn't make very good decisions when she is with him, and that we feel they (DD and bf) have violated our trust so many times that there is simply no way we will ever feel comfortable trusting them again.
Well, she blew up at me, accused me of being unreasonable and controlling and became very defensive about her son. One of the biggest problems we've had is that his parents don't supervise DD and bf when they are at their home, and they refuse to bring him to our home. They live in the next town over, and it is about 15 miles. Neither of the kids drive (DD is 14, bf just turned 16 but isn't eligible for a license for another 6 months because he hasn't taken drivers ed) so they are dependant on adults for transportation. Several of the times that they assured us they would supervise the kids at their home they have left the kids there alone or just turned a blind eye to whatever is going on. Once, DD came home asking if her shoes could be laundered- one of bf's buddies who was over was so drunk he threw up and some splashed onto her shoe. I asked where he got the alcohol and she told me "there's always booze there- once (bf's dad) gets plastered he lets the boys drink with him". Beautiful. And they wonder why I don't want my 14 year old daughter there.
I am concerned that DD will attempt to see this kid behind our backs, though it will be difficult. Since neither of them drive (and only 1 of bf's friends drives, none of DD's do) and there is a distance factor I am somewhat confident we can keep them apart for a while until hopefully they each find someone else. I will check up on DD regularly and we plan to really restrict her social life for the next few weeks and limit it to school related functions (where our DS18-who can't stand bf- will also be in attendance) and get togethers at our home. She is understandably upset with DH and I and very angry, which we fully expected. She knows the consequences if we find out she tries to sneak around with bf- she won't be allowed to go visit her best friend who moved several states away for spring break, plus we take her computer and cell phone.
Bf's mother called me a controlling b****, and I do feel badly that it had to come to this. We never forbade DS from seeing a girl, though I remember my parents refusing to allow me to date a couple different boys. I know DD will eventually get over this, but she is genuinely devastated right now and I feel terrible that she is hurting like this. Someone, please tell me we are doing the right thing!

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Well, you know your dd better than any of us on this board, so I will just say that I did something similar with my dd this past spring/summer. She was hanging out with about 5 different kids with whom I did not like (for a multitude of resaons, none of which I will go into here). I had had it with her behavior and sent her out-of-state to visit her aunt and uncle. She was going to stay there indefinately unless she agreed to "give up" these 5 "friends" and agree not to talk to or hang out with them ever again. This was a no-nonsense, non-negotiable, cold turkey deal. I mean, I had really had it with her. I also know that many people believe that when you forbid a teen from seeing someone, that just makes them want to see the person even more. In my case, my dd asked to come home after a week and agreed with my terms. She actually came home again about 10 days later. Now, 5 months later, she has a new set of friends, she has a better attitude around the house and a better relationship with her brother, she is not smoking, and she is not engaging in any illegal activity. Her grades in school are not any better, but that is a separate issue. So the long and short of my post is to say, you need to do what you believe is right for your family and your dd. Hang in there and trust your own instincts.
Best wishes,
Amelia
p.s. Yes, I know. I may be in the minority here; but then again, no one else has a daughter just like mine, lol!
I want to warn you though, the loser boyfriend will start dreaming up many inventive ways of sneaking around to see your daughter. He will try to enlist your daughter as an accomplice. For a while you should verify everything that comes out of her mouth (or out of her friends' mouths - they will often be co-conspirators because they love the drama).
Good luck.
I have to chime in and say I believe you are doing the right thing, too. Sure, it's true that when you forbid a relationship it becomes even more desireable, but the concerns with his family and lack of supervision are huge. And also, she is only 14! He lives in another town, doesn't drive, doesn't go to the same school. It couldn't be a more perfect situation to keep them apart. Hopefully by the time that he can drive, she will have found a new group of friends, or a new boyfriend. It sounds like things were going in that direction, anyway.
Please let us know how it goes. Good luck.
I think absolutely you are doing the right thing! Hopefully the distance and lack of transportation to see each other will take its' toll and they both will lose interest.
Stand your ground on this one mom; I have a feeling it's going to be a tough road for you all.
I normally come down on the side of saying forbidding a relationship is a bad idea coz it makes the kids want to be together even more.
It turns out the girlfriend's mom was irresponsible alcoholic, dad was an heir to a great deal of money and didn't work. He sat home and pretended to be a teenager. Recorded horribly talentless music in his fully equipped basement recording studio, and smoked dope with the kids.
Pretty cool environment to a 15 yr. old.
Of course the high drama ensued. We "ruined his life." I called the mom. She was of course drunk, and actually said to me, "What's wrong with a little pot. At least we know where they are." I calmly expressed my concerns about supervision and the legality. She called me every name in the book including some I'd never heard before. Threatened to "sue me for slander." (lol)
We told DS life as he currently knows it, is now over. He will not step foot in that house and if A want's to see him, it will be at our home when we're there.
DS is now 23 and laughs about the entire ordeal. He said we absolutely did the right thing. He wasn't old enough to handle any of that, and it would have gotten much worse if we hadn't intervened.
soccermom, let her scream and yell. 14 is too young for this nonsense. Make her check in with you at all times and verify her whereabouts. It's a pita, but she needs to understand her responsibility for trust.
Considering her age and past regressions, I think you've been entirely reasonable. Who cares what bf's mother thinks of you? I mean, at the end of the day, do you really care what her opinion is of YOU? Do you allow underage kids to drink and puke in your house? Ugh - I'm so disgusted with parents like that, thier mentality just boggles my mind.
My 16dd liked this boy who lived a town over when she was 14/15 - he was 17. From the moment we met him, we knew he was trouble, he oozed sexuality and I even caught him giving me the once over = it was real creepy. He had been to several schools, he had a record with the juvenile board, etc. The fact that neither of them could drive made it a lot easier for us to forbid the relationship. We simply kept her so busy and held her responsible to the letter in regards to completing her chores and any other projects she had comitted herself to, it left no time to visit with him. He once walked all the way from his town to ours to visit her...over 15 miles one way! He eventually got kicked out of thier school and we later found out he robbed cars in a parking lot and was put in the juvenile detention center...then we found out he got some girl pregnant. DD fought so hard to be able to see him, but she really had no way except in school, but then he got kicked out so at that point, the fights ended and it was over. DD later came to me and said, "He was no good, mom. You were right to keep me from him."
I think you should go with your gut and if your gut is telling you to keep her from this boy, then do it. And don't worry about what his parents think of you - you're being a parent, they are just trying not to rock the boat and that's not parenting, it's neglect.
I probably would have gone with the idea that she could only see him at your home where you could supervise. Dont know what I would have said about the driving-perhaps offered to do half(scary cause who wants to force a drunk to drive his kid somewhere)
That way maybe it would have fizzled out in such a way that you wouldnt be seen as the guilty party(of course they find a way to blame us, anyway)
But I also agree that harsher methods are appropriate here as she is so young; it would be different if she were older and more independent transportation wise
Thanks everyone for the support and good wishes. I know deep inside that we are doing the right thing, I just needed for some reason to hear it from someone impartial. The tears have stopped (temporarily?) and we've kept her busy this weekend. I spoke with her best friend's mom and she's allowed her DD to stay over all weekend (it's fall break and a 4 day weekend) and the girls have rented chick flicks and pigged out on junk food. Yesterday we girls went to the mall for a while and out for ice cream. Last night she had the freshman boy over she had been hanging out with, along with two of his buddies, and they watched movies. Not sure the guys liked the chick flicks, but they enjoyed the buffalo wings, poppers and hot cider, lol. Next weekend will be busy as well, they have a home football game (1st round of the state tournament) and on Saturday DS18 is taking his girlfriend to a local pumpkin farm with a hayride, haunted house and maze and asked DD if she and a friend want to come along.
I'm not silly enough to rule out at least an attempt at sneaking around with ex-bf, but it looks like she is going to bounce back pretty quickly. She has great friends and let's face it, a loooooong line of boys ready to ask her out and I'm sure in time she will be ready to move on and forget ex-bf.
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