The other shoe dropped...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
The other shoe dropped...
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Sun, 10-15-2006 - 11:13am

I posted a while ago about my DD14 and her totally unsuitable boyfriend of over a year. They were "on a break" and DD was having a great time exploring single life and making lots of new friends at her HS. She started seeing a nice boy who is also a freshman and part of the same group of kids she runs around with. It was just a casual, friendly thing and they mainly went out with the whole group. DH and I were very happy and comfortable with this arrangement and DD was happy as well.

The boyfriend reappeared last week, demanding a reconciliation or he would sever all ties with DD. At first DD stood her ground, then at the end of the week caved in to him, claiming she "loved him too much to throw it all away and never speak to him again" (gag). This was the last straw for DH and I. This kid has done nothing but manipulate DD, put her in harm's way both physically and emotionally and play with her mind. DH and I agreed that we would not allow her to see him again, and told DD this on Friday. I felt his parents needed to know this so I called his mother on Saturday to tell her that we felt it was in DD's best interest that she not see (bf) anymore. I didn't say anything disparaging about her son, just that DD doesn't make very good decisions when she is with him, and that we feel they (DD and bf) have violated our trust so many times that there is simply no way we will ever feel comfortable trusting them again.

Well, she blew up at me, accused me of being unreasonable and controlling and became very defensive about her son. One of the biggest problems we've had is that his parents don't supervise DD and bf when they are at their home, and they refuse to bring him to our home. They live in the next town over, and it is about 15 miles. Neither of the kids drive (DD is 14, bf just turned 16 but isn't eligible for a license for another 6 months because he hasn't taken drivers ed) so they are dependant on adults for transportation. Several of the times that they assured us they would supervise the kids at their home they have left the kids there alone or just turned a blind eye to whatever is going on. Once, DD came home asking if her shoes could be laundered- one of bf's buddies who was over was so drunk he threw up and some splashed onto her shoe. I asked where he got the alcohol and she told me "there's always booze there- once (bf's dad) gets plastered he lets the boys drink with him". Beautiful. And they wonder why I don't want my 14 year old daughter there.

I am concerned that DD will attempt to see this kid behind our backs, though it will be difficult. Since neither of them drive (and only 1 of bf's friends drives, none of DD's do) and there is a distance factor I am somewhat confident we can keep them apart for a while until hopefully they each find someone else. I will check up on DD regularly and we plan to really restrict her social life for the next few weeks and limit it to school related functions (where our DS18-who can't stand bf- will also be in attendance) and get togethers at our home. She is understandably upset with DH and I and very angry, which we fully expected. She knows the consequences if we find out she tries to sneak around with bf- she won't be allowed to go visit her best friend who moved several states away for spring break, plus we take her computer and cell phone.

Bf's mother called me a controlling b****, and I do feel badly that it had to come to this. We never forbade DS from seeing a girl, though I remember my parents refusing to allow me to date a couple different boys. I know DD will eventually get over this, but she is genuinely devastated right now and I feel terrible that she is hurting like this. Someone, please tell me we are doing the right thing!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 11:58am
I know I'm late, but I wanted to jump in and add my support.
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 8:30pm
With your DD being only 14, I totally agree with your decision. Even with older kids, I have learned from experience that in many cases you just have to say no and express your concerns. They get mad, but if you get an inkling early on that something is not quite right, I am in favor of just putting the cabosh on things. I USED to be on the other side of the coin on this subject.... but then learned that after DD gets attached to someone who is inappropriate, it is so hard to get her to see that things are not ok. I wish I had done things differently, but I can't go back. I just know that even at 17, I may say no if her choice in guys isn't up to par. Lately, I feel like saying she should give up dating until she makes better choices in guys! Things haven't gone so well. Really, I am ready to have a conversation with her about just being content with hanging out with friends rather than date guys who use and abuse girls (and there are many who seem to hang in her crowd). Good luck. Hopefully you sent a great message for your dd not to "settle."
Deb
Debbie

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