Over protective parenting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Over protective parenting?
15
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 6:41pm

On the "urgent advice" thread, sunnymommillion made this comment:


"We are afraid of the outside world harming our kids. But I think it's key we let them know we trust them."


I decided to start a new thread to toss out an idea or two, based on what she said.


In the past few days there have been several posts about "should I let my child do this" and "my kids say I'm overprotective"

Pages

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 7:15pm

Rose that was very well said. I think the thing is that sometimes we look at what some kids are doing and wonder if we are being overprotective OR permitting something that is a little too much.
And you know how kids can be.... so and so's mom said they can go etc etc etc and we start to wonder even though we really know in our hearts what we will or will not allow, we still want to hear it from someone else.
It is a hard thing to let go though, I know you feel that too, or you wouldn't be nervous about new things. But we have to do it, they have to grow up sometime. I totally agree with what you said and this is what I have tried to do with my 2 and hopefully I have done a good job and given them a good foundation to live their lives from.

Kristie

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 10:46pm
Rose you read my mind! While I do not have children in the military...the sentiment behind your post is exactly what I was thinking as I have read several of these threads.
Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 11:42pm

thank you both for your replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 2:15am
BINGO, now I think you've hit the nail on the head. As you probably know, I have 6. I often joke that by the time my 4yo is 17 like DD I'll be tossing him the keys to whatever it is I'm driving at that time telling him to be sure that it's in the driveway, gassed and ready for me to get to work in the morning. For now though, with DD I find it hard to allow things that I KNOW I should be allowing. She has a bad habit of springing things last minute on me, then I feel rushed and tell her no. An hour later I'm telling her OK, go ahead. Not a day goes by I don't think about how my "big" problems are really insignificant by most people's standards. I have no (noticable) drug use, the drinking seems to be gone, my DS15 goes from one girl to the next like some people change underwear, but he's not using any of them, DD17 acts like she's married sometimes, but she could be active with random people (last convo about it she said she isn't active with bf anyway)... point is, I agree with your original post, but you really nailed it when you pointed out that you find it easier to let go as with each younger kid. I'm already seeing it myself, boy does DD get ticked when she sees it happening.
Another thing I've noticed myself, a trouble maker will make it more difficult to let go with the younger kids. My brother made things harder for me by having a preg gf at 16, drinking (on occasion drinking and driving), light drug use, etc etc. It wasn't until I was 17 that my mother began treating me as a (mostly) responsible kid because of how my brother had acted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 7:36am

Rose,

As one of those overprotective parents, I appreciate all of your insights. I think it's tough when it's your oldest and the first time you're dealing with all of these teen issues. Certainly my little issue with my 15yo DD doesn't come even remotely close to the worries you must have about your grown kids. I guess I just wanted a "reality check" from this board. This is my first time making some of these decisions, and I know in my gut what I think is right, but (of course), I have a 15yo who is telling me that I am wrong, that all the parents do things differently, etc., etc. I hope we can all still be comfortable coming here just to run these things by the more experienced parents!

P.S. I know that a lot of my worries come from the media. I often jokingly tell her that "I'm not going on Larry King!" if something happens to her. :-)

Elena

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 8:09am
I posted earlier in this thread that I agree with Rose...please don't think that means that you shouldn't post your questions! Everything is relative and while my 15DD is my baby, I lurk on the Parents of College students board and can be in awe of what I don't know.
It also helps me not to become to cavalier about the freedoms I allow my youngest; I think we all need each other to stay balanced:)
Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 9:14am
I'm sure if I looked at a message board for parents of toddlers, I'd probably think some of their big worries are pretty small potatoes compared to raising a teen! LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 11:00am
Once again you nailed it. I'm saying this with the utmost respect that I wish I was as confident in my parenting as you are. Dh & I come from pretty dysfunctional families. It's hard to know sometimes what "normal" is. I know I'm considered an overprotective parent but it's because I'm parenting out of fear. Wow - I can't believe I just typed that. I'm so scared that I'm going to mess up our kids (16 & 11). Truth is, I probably am by being overprotective. I've seen so much in our families that I don't want to happen to our kids that I do tend to hover too much. Dh & I talked at length about this last night. I'm the main parent as he travels alot. I worry about almost every decision I make. I can't get the what if's out of my mind. I'm not sure what the answer is for me but I see clearly that I need to quit being so overprotective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 11:45am

I couldn't agree w/ you more. Back when I graduated from h.s. in 1975, I remember a friend's parents asking mine "aren't you nervous about letting her go away to college in Boston?" My parents said that if they hadn't instilled values in me by that time, it was kind of too late.

I tried to have a conversation w/ DD (18) and I don't know if I explained it very well, about how I want her to be able to make a decision for herself based on what the right thing it to do, not just because she is afraid of getting caught. She has been given an average amount of freedom and she has made pretty good decisions. I never wanted to be one of those parents who was checking up on their kids all the time. I know that she has done some things that I haven't wanted her to do, cause who is perfect? The most nerve-racking thing was that after graduation, she & some friends got together and rented a beautiful home w/ indoor pool in Vermont for a weekend. My friend said "I wouldn't let my kids go." Well, it would be kind of hard to stop her since she has her own car and was paying her own way. I did point out things like if they had a noisy party and the neighbors saw a bunch of cars they would call the police and they would be all arrested for drinking and it was pretty far for me to drive to bail her out. But nothing happened and she was even talking about how they made sure the place was cleaner than when the got it so they would get their security deposit back.

My DSD had one friend whose mother was so over-protective that even last Chrismas, when she was 16, she didn't want her to go to the mall w/ friends. This is a suburban mall w/ a very low crime rate and I have been letting DD go there since maybe 13. The funny thing is that now the mother is going away for days at a time leaving the 17 yo DD home alone, which I probably wouldn't do. This girl doesn't drive either, so in case of emergency I don't know what she would do.

I do think that being overprotective isn't good for kids because someday they will be adults and they won't know how to do anything on their own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 3:30pm

mine are 4 dds, ranging from 15 down to almost 21 months old. i am one of those overprotective parents, at this point. oldest will be driving next year, and we've been doing some discussing that already, where/how far she can go, etc. (we're out in country, too) i have to worry about what the baby puts in her mouth (will she choke to death because of it, or could it harm her, other kids forget and leave things where she can reach, cause they think she's a big girl), thankfully i do not have to worry what the oldest puts in hers. at least not yet, but that's coming, probably about the time i can ease up worrying about the baby, haha. in some ways the aren't all that different, ya know?

sallie

Pages