Over reacting re: risque/risky behaviour
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Over reacting re: risque/risky behaviour
| Sun, 06-04-2006 - 10:25pm |
Okay, this is so immature and a little bizarre! My 15 year old (foster) son has a history of neglect/rejetion etc. that has led to very low self esteem and some poor judgement. He also tends to attrack similar people as friends. Earlier this year, he briefly had a "girlfriend" for a little while. She is barely 14 and comes from a pretty messed up background herself. It was a pretty innocent little relationship - I know they managed one kiss. Well, they drifted apart but he's always kind of wanted to get back together with her. SO...yesterday I let him go to a sleepover at a friend's house. Turns out that the two of them, a couple other boys, and this girl ended up hanging out in the backyard quite late and playing "truth or dare". They got her to "flash" them - and in exchange she wanted a peek down A's boxers. Ye gods! Other than the fact that I'm not prepared to let him sleep over at D's again any time soon, I figure I can't exactly "forbid" this type of sexual exploration. (Well, I guess I COULD "forbid" it, but my fear is that it would just continue without my knowledge. At least at this point he is VERY open to talking about these things with me. He's asked all kinds of "sex" questions that show he hasn't got a clue and has had no-one to ask. He was very afraid a few weeks ago that there was something wrong with him because he occasionally "leaks" in his sleep! He was afraid that it might be "broken" or that he might "use it all up and not be able to have kids". Yikes) What I DID do was have a conversation about boundaries and self-esteem issues. I said that I really worried that this girl might be inclined to go "too far" and do things she'd later regret in order to get/keep a boyfriend. That I felt she had shown poor judgement in being willing to expose herself to a group of boys, and that further more it is a very DANGEROUS choice to do such a thing, especially when she is the only girl present and there are no adults nearby. I talked to him about respect and dignity, and my faith in him that he wouldn't ever pressure a girl for more than she was willingly ready to give - and how about a little respect for himself, too, not letting someone "sneak a peek" in such a casual context? Good lord, it's like teenagers playing doctor! The ps to this is that he thinks she WILL get back together with him, but only because he now has a job and can spend money on her. We then had a talk about how he shouldn't lower himself that way - he needs someone who will like him for HIM (but he doesn't believe that is ever possible). Geez...can't you just see these two hooking up and recreating their own dysfunctional family patterns! Would you handle this differently or take it further? Should I be letting this girl's father know what is going on, or telling the parents of the boy hosting the sleep over? Or just quietly make sure that future get togethers are under MY supervision?

I think you handled things fine.
How about getting him a book (my mom got ds13 the What's Happening With My Body Book for Boys) that he can peruse on his own; factual and well written (that one is ok; I've heard there are better ones but ds used it a bit a couple of years back to help understand/correct some of the playground talk!). Being there for him is great; keep the communication going! Best of luck.
Sue