Overwhelmed single mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Overwhelmed single mom
7
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 9:47am

Hi all,
I am a single mom of 2 girls, 11 and 13 yrs old. It seems like lately all we do is argue and it is so exhausting. If I'm not on them 24/7 they won't do a thing. Is it too uch to ask them to flush the toilet..lol Seriously though it's that bad. I work come home, help with homework which turns into an arguement because of course they don't want to do it then I cook dinner and TRY to get them to help around the house. I have taken away the phone, T.V and still nothing seems to work long term. We are in family counseling and it helps a bit but I am at my whits end. Last night my daughter was pushing me over the edge, I was so angry i just wanted to grab her by her hair but instead I took a vase and smashed it into a milion pieces and walked outside for a few minutes because honestly I just wanted to get in my car and run away but I know running is not the solution, still I feel like I can't do this anymore. I love my daughters and they my priority in life but jeez when do I get a break and get to enjoy being a mom again? I am open to any and all suggestions. Thank you all for listening.

Mikkii

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:25am
I don't know what to tell you. I am going thru the same thing with my 13 yo girl. Right now, I have just started not doing anything she asks me. It all started when I told her one thing to do Sunday, it never got done, she kept putting it off and it still isn't done. She kept saying later, or after my bath. Well, I am not washing her clothes for one thing, when she asks me, I am going to say I will do it later, it won't take me long, or I will do it after my shower, then I am not going to do it. I am sick of punishing her, it does not work. Yelling, pleading, begging, or threatning does not work either. So I want something that will really make her think! Anything else she asks me I will say the same thing.....when she runs out of panties, it will be her problem not mine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:05am

Hi! I'm so sorry you are going through this. Some of this probably just normal adolescent stuff although one of them is a little young for that but then again she may following along with her sister.

I've never been a single mom but my DH is an alocholic (sober 6 1/2 years) so I for a long while I would have better off alone. One thing I had to learn was to control my emotions. If I let them get to me, they feed off it. When I felt my frustration rising, I would go into the bathroom and lock the door and turn on the shower so I couldn't hear the yelling and pray that they too would calm down. Once calm again, I would come out and try to deal with the issue. I would tell them that as long as we all remained calm I would deal with the issue but once they starting yelling at me, I was out of there.

It seems to me that you haven't found their golden carrot. You've said you've taken away TV, phone, grounding, etc and it's not working. All that sort of thing did with my DD was give her time to think about how evil I was and then she would get more frustrated. For us, the golden carrot was staying home on the weekends until her chores were done - that way her social life was somewhat up to her. Another less frustrating punishment for her was major chores - cleaning the garage, washing the windows, etc. I would work with her but not talk about the offense that got her in trouble in the first place. Then praise her for a job well done. You may need to get creative in order to find what works for your family.

Also I read alot of books on parenting teens. They helped me to learn to remain calm and not to let my frustration get to the point of my wanting to smash my fist through the window (that one scared me alot). Another poster states that when her kids act up is when her kids need her the most - they usually try to find sometime to reconnect in a positive way - camping, board games, etc. Let the house go for a day and spend some time with them doing something you all enjoy. Do this maybe everyother week or so for a while and see if things improve.

Good luck!!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 12:58pm

I was a single mom when my girls were younger, but I am the main parent and usually the disciplinarian in our home, so I know where you're coming from - I'd guess most of us do.

Much of what you descibe is typical teen behavior, but because you're the sole parent, it is getting under your skin really fast - you can only take that crap for so long before it drives you to smash things and want to run away!!

What has helped me along the way was having a schedule with my girls, now 19 and 17. It continues to this day. Of course, my older dd is no longer at home (college) but the 17dd still follows the plan. It's pretty simple, like tobylady said, they can't make any plans until the chores are done. And they can't be half-assed or thrown together, they must be done well...so I don't have to redo them. If chores are not completed, they don't go anywhere. Simple. Our main chore day is typically Saturday AM/PM, depending upon dd's work schedule or if we have any other plans. I keep clorox wipes in the bathroom & the kitchen for easy clean up during the week.

We have a laundry closet and on Fridays either dd or I bring it downstairs and sort it so it's ready to go on Sat while we're dusting, vacuuming and cleaning upstairs. M-F, dd's bedroom is pretty much left alone - I just tell her to put her dirty stuff in the closet and toss her blankets up when she has a friend over, but I don't really get crazy about her bedroom - she has to live in it, not me. Kitchen cleanup: we all take turns loading or unloading the dishwasher and cleaning up after dinner. *I usually do breakfast cleanup as I'm the last to leave in the mornings.

One major rule that I am super strict about is NO FOOD IN THE BEDROOMS!! And NO SHOES through the house. H is the only one who ever breaks those.

We ALL fold laundry & that takes place on Sunday evenings before we settle in for the night (if we all do it, it's done in no time).

I NOW use PeaPod on line shopping through Stop & Shop, which saves me an amazing amount of time, money and aggravation. Before I shop, I organize my meals so that each night it's relatively easy to throw something together. I have a friend who makes all her meals on Sundays and then freezes them so all she has to do is make side items - I have done that and it's helpful for less chaos during the week! I don't bother anymore because with dd's work schedule she is often not home for dinner and I can just throw something easy together for H and I. Anyway, I only have to shop twice a month and grab small stuff in between like milk and cold cuts. I swear, this is a real time saver if you have it near you. And it saves me money because there are no impulse purchases! And no kids throwing other stuff into the basket!!

Also like tobylady said, you have to find your golden carrot - something the girls truly desire and use that as a manipulation tool. Or, you can create a rewards system. Say, for each chore they complete without grief, they earn a point. After so many points, they win ____________ (fill in blank with appropriate prize such as movie rental).

Or, what we once did was hold family meetings once a month to go over dripes, negotiate chores, etc. It was helpful becaue we talked about meals, homework, dds' expectations and ours, everything. We were able to come up with a chore schedule and decide on meals we liked and those we didn't. But the main theme of our meetings that still holds today is that we're a team. Each of us needs the other to function properly so we must work as a team and share the responsibility of having and keeping our home. I'm really big on teamwork.

And lastly, it sounds like you need some time off - do you have any family that can take your girls for an afternoon so you can go for a walk, meet a friend for coffee, just be alone, take a nice long quiet bath, whatever will help you to relax and release your stress? It's hard to be a patient mom when you're stressed to the max. Try to also remember that you don't need to be everything to everyone. Your girls are old enough now to work out thier own silly arguments. When they come to you to referee, go in the bathroom, lock the door and turn on the water or fan - let them work it out. My dds would also try to drag me into it as referee and one day I said, "Work it out girls" and left the room. It took a couple of times, but eventually that type of behavior stopped and they were about 12 and 14 at that time. Once you stop reacting to every little thing, they will stop trying to get your attention like that. BUT, you must notice when they are behaving and being nice to one another - that's when you give them your attention, when they least expect it. Reinforce the positive behavior. Spend time together doing fun and enjoyable things. This time of year is a perfect time to spend a day baking and decorating sugar cookies. Or put together a tin of your favorite cookies and give them to an elderly neighbor. Or, if you live someplace where it snows, build a snow woman. Put together a care package for our soldiers or for someone in your town you know would appreciate it. Make wreaths for your home. Collect pine cones and make peanut butter bird feeders, wrap them in waxed paper and tie with some colored raffia as gifts. Make homemade play dough and get out your cookie cutters and play for a couple of hours. My kids still play with play dough! Let the housework go and learn to have fun again with your girls - thier fighting and sibling stuff is THIERs to deal with and they will.

As far as flushing the toilet...hmmm...I would be inclined to call them in each time I find it unflushed, even if they are asleep, and make them stand there with me and flush it. Eventually, it will sink in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:03pm

<>

mmmm....early 20s maybe!

I think we ALL think at some level-subconcious or otherwise-that we are more on top of things or closer to our kids than our parents, the parents down the block, our sister with older kids, whatever.We see all the teen stuff in real life, in movies, on TV but NOT OUR KIDS!

Then, boom-our kids turn into those teens we never thought we'd have!

It's a tough adjustment-all the little battles are tough but I think the underlying 'disappointment' is part of it

Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 8:19pm

Hi Mikkii.

I feel your pain! I am a single mom, too. DS is 13, and an impossible beast to get along with lately. EVERYTHING I ask him to do causes an argument, although most of the things are for his benefit. He wants to argue with me over everything, and he never does anything the first time I ask him to. I even printed out his chores so he knows exactly what is expected of him, and when it needs to be done. My thinking was that he would be able to take care of his business without me nagging him. No use.

I haven't broken anything yet, but the urge to just walk away and never look back is always there. I also fantasize about dropping him off on his father's doorstep and letting them make each other miserable.

What works for me is the element of surprise. If he doesn't do something he has been asked to do repeatedly, I drop the subject...until he wants to go somewhere, or get something. Then I remind him of what I wanted, and how I couldn't get it. He ends up doing what I asked him to do and a few other dirty jobs on top of that just to get back in good standing.
Fight fire with fire.

Best of luck to you.

Jeanette

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 10:02am

Hi all, I just wanted to say thank you for all the words of wisdom and support. Today I am feeling much better since last night our family meeting went very well. We talked about how we were feeling and our frustrations. Afterwards I made a list of the chores and the girls did them with little complaining so there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks again. Much peace, love and happiness to all!!!

Mikkii

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 10:19am

Hi Mikki - I'm so glad your meeting went well. I found that being honest with my girls over the years about how I feel helped them to open up as well, definitely made for more open communication (which at times we as parents don't want to hear, but it is better in the long run).

Making lists for each is excellent! We've done that and after a while, each dd learned which chore best suited her so I could make one list and they'd just go through it checking off when they were finished! DD17 STILL needs me to make her a list as she's got wicked ADD and just can't seem to move one from task to the next. My H laughs at that, but I notice he also needs lists! lol.

I'm happy you're feeling more 'collected' today!