parent involvment in middle school/ H.S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
parent involvment in middle school/ H.S.
17
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:35pm

My dd age 14 seems to think I'm way too involved in her school work. For the past year I have been relying on her to do her work and keep up her grades. She is a very good student (Honors classes and Honor Roll); however, her grades strongly reflect the amount of work she puts into a class. When she studies, she does outstanding! But when she does not study, it most definitely shows. Last week I took a peak into the backpack. I told her I was doing it. I found 2 Ds in English. Both on vocab quizzes. Obviously she did not prepare for either quiz, so she earned them through her own right. We had the customary "prepare and study" talk. We reviewed her assignments for the upcoming week. (This is very easy because ALL her assignments are posted on the internet) And we agreed she would bring home all the work needed to study for the THREE tests that were coming up. I respected her wish to stay home all weekend and not "hang out with the family" and do "stuff." She watched T.V. Here it is Monday and the battle has begun. I'm upset with her not getting her work done and she is upset with me because I'm "the only parent who interferes with her daughter's school work," and I should just leave her alone and let her do it herself. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Should I let her do it herself and just bug off?

DD is a great girl. We have rules in the house...no T.V. on school days...no computer on school days except for homework etc and she follows them. She has good friends, she doesn't have a boyfriend to preoccupy her. However, she just can't seem to get these study habits down and she is always telling me to keep my nose out of her school work.

How much involvement should I have with an 8th grader?

Should I punish her for this behavior since we did talk about being prepared just a few days ago? What is the right punishment. I can't take away the T.V. or the computer.

Or should I just count my blessing.......

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Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 9:31pm

Those who are in the education field do not agree on this issue. Some will tell you that by 8th grade you should have no involvement and some will tell you that until they are 18, you really should continue to be involved. Both sides present some great theories and arguments.

What worked for me, was not being involved in the individual assignments but continually talking about the future. Junior high will affect high school placement and then high school GPA will affect college choices. Again though, there is no right or wrong only what works for you and your child to stay connected to one another.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:31pm

Hey! I'm a teen that posts on this board. As teens, we do often think we need more independance than we can handle. I think the best approach would be to give her a chance. Check her grades (make sure to get exact percentage), and tell her you won't interfere with her school work at all until the next report cards come out (or give her a month, if your school doesn't give progress reports midquarter). If her grades have dropped, she can't handle it, and you can step back in. Give her a chance; everyone deserves to try. When she complains, tell her she had her opportunity and can try it again in 6 months, a year, whatever.

Good luck



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:58pm

I have 2 boys ages 18 and 16.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 8:07am

Just what I would have said!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 9:12am

I have 2 DD's close in age to yours (7th and 9th grade).

My oldest is a great student, but it's taken years for her to become organized in schoolwork. Towards the end of her 8th grade, everyone had to attend mandatory organizational/study classes to prepare them for HS. Maybe you might have something like this in your community? I've never had to check her work, but even today in 9th grade (all honors classes), I do ask what she has for homework and later, if it's done.

My younger DD in 7th grade is a different story. She can finish any and all work in maybe 10 minutes so she can get outside with friends. It doesn't matter that you can't read her work cause it's so messy, it's done to her. She's more social and it honestly didn't even click with her UNTIL this year that school was important when she heard her older sister talking about the classes in HS. It hit home and she's tried harder. I do not check her nightly work, but always ask if it's done. All her teachers send a mass email when a major test (not quiz) is coming up. I will ask if she's got any tests, she'll say no then I ask for her book, notes etc because I'm going to test her and see if she knows the material. Seven out of ten times, she doesn't know it. How could she when 10 minutes of flipping pages is studying to her! I'm thankful these teachers notify me via email a few days in advance because DH or I must quiz her nightly and for now, we're trying very hard to teach her HOW to study. Btw, I used to make excuses to myself regarding her - she's just not ever going to be a great student, she excels at other things etc., BUT what I've learned over the years is that IF I raise my expectations of her, she succeeds EVERY single time. She CAN do it, she just needs guidance.

Failure is not an option here. Your house rules sound kind of like mine. I personally wouldn't get into punishment over this, but maybe next weekend at least ask if the work/studying is done before tv or ask when she'll begin it, maybe check/review it. Although I'm not a big fan of having to take kids by the hand at this age, we've each seen that sometimes kids at this age can benefit by it. You may need to keep your nose in the work for a bit because come HS she has got to stand more on her own two feet and by doing this now, you'll teach her how.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 9:44am

Barring any documented learning disability, I have not been all that involved in my dd's homework studies, etc. I receive interim report cards if thier grades fall below a B and the teacher thinks they aren't trying. As long as the teacher believes they are giving thier best effort, I will not be notified. In the case of my 18dd, this arm's length approach has worked out fine. She KNOWS when she's not doing her best work, her grades reflect it and she suffers the consequences, ie., loss of privileges and poor grades, mandatory study class, to name a few.

My 16dd, however, is special ed due to some bio-neurological disorders, but even with her, as she has grown older, I have backed off quite a bit. I have even been told by a couple of her teachers along the way to allow dd to fail and suffer the consequences. It took a while, but she has learned from that experience. She is now a Junior in HS and I rarely, if ever, have concerns anymoer. This year she's passing all her classes, when last year she was lucky if she passed half of her classes! She does her homework on time and asks for help when she needs it. This has not been a easy road for her, but she has learned to become more responsible for her work.

I didn't read all of the other posts, but I want to add my 2 cents. IMO, the teachers and the parents really need to work together, but ULTIMATELY, it is up to the student to get the work required finished, study and do his/her best in class. I do not believe in at home punishment for in school poor behavior. I do, however, believe in the teachers and parents being on the same page in regards to expectations and I have called many a meeting to make sure that this is the way it was for my dd. Sometimes that meant I needed to learn a thing or two about letting go and sometimes it meant the teacher needed to learn a thing or two about loosening up and allowing dd to work at her own pace. Every student is cut from the same mold. When you micromanage your dd's work (responsibility), she is not learning to do so on her own. She needs to learn time management, organization, etc., and if you keep on her all the time, telling her what she needs to do next, etc., she will never learn.

Only you know how much you should be involved in your dd's school work - I think you and she should sit together and create a way to make this work, say, for instance you're allowed to check up with her twice a week. If she fails or doesn't do her homework, she has to stay for extra help or study class - you can bring her teachers in on this. If she does well, manages her time effectively and turns in all her work, she can earn something, like a movie with a GF or ice cream at Friendlys. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 10:03am

First of all you are NOT the only parent involved in their child's school and homework so don't even let her try that line.

Secondly, I wouldn't look at this as being "punishment" necessary. I think that it is your responsibility to teach her the importance of good study habits. I have been through this twice with my youngest DD (7th grade and 10th grade). Both times, I called the teachers every Fri, if DD was missing homework or did poorly on a test, she was to stay home that weekend until she completed the work and learned the material to my satisfaction. It didn't matter to me whether or not the teacher accepted or graded the work. I stressed to DD that this was about learning the material. Both times, she got the message pretty quickly. Apparently, the 10th grade lessons worked. She now goes in early on her own for tutoring, if necessary. She works very hard to stay current in her work and she studies hard for tests. If she still makes a poor grade, I just hug her and say I know she worked hard and did her best. I remind her that the important thing is did she learn the material - the grade doesn't always reflect that. If she has, then I'm okay with it.

Yesterday, I had a test. I studied but not as much as I needed to b/c I was busy all weekend with the youth at church (yes, they do come before my school work). She asked me how I did. I told her I probably didn't do as well as I could have. She hugged me and said it'll be okay. You studied and worked hard. I pointed out to her all the hours I wasn't studying and she said but you've done so well on the other tests that this one won't kill you and you'll just have to study harder next time. I really needed that positive encouragement - just as she needs it from me sometimes.

Stress to her that it is about learning the material more than about the actual grades. It has certainly made a difference in DD's study habits.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 12:29pm

Here I come with my typical unpopular replies LOL!!


Thank you to the teen who posted on this topic.


My DSs are 14 and 12. I'll just talk about 14 yo because 12yo is still perfect LOL. DS vascilates between As and Ds depending on his moody mood. I grew tired of policing him and frankly he really does need to own this issue or he will always be mommy's little boy cutting his meat and wiping his nose. He needs to OWN his education. I feel this doesn't mean butting out, but it means setting up logical consequences for his own actions.


We gave him the JH grades lead to HS success which leads to SAT scores and college acceptance and funtime career (that part is slightly a lie) paradigm. We drill him on this and Mike and I talk about our own experiences, me the party gal who deeply regrets shutting my own doors and Mike the merit scholar varsity went to hugely popular state school and had the best time. We ironically went to same HS (didn't know each other) so this eliminates variables such as my claiming HS not being very good the reason I stunk vs his HS was excellent blah blah blah. We talk about our friends who are successful and those who are stuck in first gear, and how that happened. Yes there is a correllation, albeit anecdotal, but a 14 yo isn't sophisticated enough to call you on that.


SO, he gets what he should do if he wants to be happy and successful. Then, we told him for GPA below 3.0, which honestly any kid should be able to muster (barring SpEds) things start to disappear. He called my bluff this last fall and we said goodbye to the weekly ski bus. It was a phenomenal ski year and he cried bitterly, but I told him it was his decision all along to choose to turn in a poor performance.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 2:00pm

No one else has said it, so I will. YES, you should count your blessings! And you should stay in her business! I don't think an involved parent is a bad thing. The more you know, the more you can help. My high schooler couldn't care less about his grades, which is bad because he's brilliant and could be pulling straight A's, but chooses not to. He's got a D in Algebra 3/4, but he tutors half the kids in the class and when the teacher can't figure it out, he can. I'm not kidding, he's brilliant. He also has to pull that D out in order to graduate! My DD starts middle school next year. I'm gonna be all over that! She already has a rule to do her home work as soon as she gets home from school, before she does anything else (except go potty and get a snack) and this is working. It will be interesting to see how this changes as her homework load gets heavier. She is required to sit at the bar in the kitchen to do her homework, too. She gets distracted very easy and if she is in her room, the work that takes 15 minutes in the kitchen takes 2 hours in her room. I can't see any reason to not be involved with your kids schooling. Yes, it's theirs, and ultimately, they are responsible for it. But, you are not "the only parent who interferes with her daughter's school work." I think to back out and not do anything shows a lack of concern. I know that probably offends a lot of people. I keep tabs on my kids, where they are, what they are doing, who they are doing that with and if they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. That includes schoolwork.

As for punishment, maybe a nice long lecture about keeping her word. Basically, she lied about what she would be doing, and maybe it wasn't that she "lied" as she had planned to do school work, but got distracted. Still, her word has to mean something. This wasn't a serious offense, but what if next time, it is? That's my position on it, anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 2:44pm

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With younger teens, I definitely agree with keeping tabs to a point.

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